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On November 8th my wife had arthroscopic surgery on her right knee. She tore her meniscus and the surgeon had to remove a third of it, there was some damage done to the ligament so he tweaked that and cleaned up some bone spurs.
The morning of the 8th we set our alarm clock to wake us at the unruly hour of 4:30am as we had to be at the surgical centre by 6:30. Yes it takes that long to get ready. The dog needs to go out, the cats need fed and each one needs watched so they don’t steal the food from another.
We got to the surgical centre on time we checked in sat down and just as we were seated our name was called and we were ushered through the doors where only authorized personnel are allowed to enter. After negotiating a maze of hallways we were brought to Denyce’s prep room. She was settled into the bed as they handed me her purse, her walker and showed me a little wooden chair in a corner where I was too sit.
At one point I counted 7 people in the room not including Denyce and myself. And by room I mean cubicle. There was the surgeon who autographed  Denyce’s knee to make sure he got the correct one, there was the anesthesiologist and his assistant, three nurses and some guy just standing at the ‘doorway’ and by doorway I mean curtain. They asked all sorts of questions to Denyce and to each other. Nobody waited for an answer, a nurse asked Denyce a question and at the same time the anesthesiologist told her to open her mouth, so he could take a look inside. It was a whirlwind of chaos. Then I heard the magic words, “Denyce I ‘m going to give you a shot that will allow you to relax.”
Oh how I remember those words from my own surgeries. Immediately I was off my little chair and beside the bed, I took my wife’s hand and told her, “Now comes the easy part, all you have to do is sleep and I’ll see you in about 10 minutes your time.” And with that they wheeled her down the corridor. A nurse showed me the way to the waiting room and told me somebody would be out to keep me up to date in about 40 minutes to an hour, I figured it would be more like two hours.
I took note of the time and sat down on the group W bench. The group W bench is the bench where you wait, and you wait. And. You. Wait…
At the ripe old age of 47 I was the youngest person in that waiting room. I found out it was really cataract surgery day. Really old people would scooch their way in bumping and grinding into things as they pushed the walkers along with the entire weight of their frail bodies bearing down on the handles. Walking behind them, trying to reach around to open doors and clear the isles an elderly child (mid 50’s minimum) would try to be of some assistance but usually only making matters worse. After watching several such episodes I realized the waiting room was designed to torture these poor people. They would be forced to amble up to one of the check in desks and have a seat. The old people would drop their bags move the walker out of the way, grab the chair and slowly, painfully take a seat. They would be asked their name, date of birth and then asked to sign a waiver they could not possibly see. Three minutes later they would be asked to move to the waiting area. The walker would have to be set up just so. They would gather their belongings and with the aid of a walker, ‘child’and chair combo they would stand. An exercise that took longer than the check in process itself. They would shuffle over to the waiting area, find a free group W bench and drop their bags, coats and other items of necessity, slowly and painfully they would lower themselves onto the bench.  They would let out a sigh lean back and in a minute a nurse would appear at the door that only authorized people are allowed to pass and call their name. The looks on some of the faces were priceless, others were just plain scary. They would start the process of gathering all their worldly possessions and haul themselves back into a standing position while the ‘child’ would do what they could to help. They would step towards the door and the nurse would say to the child, “oh for now we are just putting drops in the eyes we will send your mom/dad right back out you can wait here with all the stuff”. They did this each time! A few minutes later out from behind the door that only authorized personnel are allowed to pass would come an old and now blind(er) person who would have to maneuver back to their group W bench where their loved one could only hopelessly watch. We would all watch in horror as the process played itself out over and over again. Eventually the name would be called again, and once again we would watch as they made their way through the doors only this time we would not see them again. In time a nurse would come back and find the waiting ‘child’ and let them know the surgery went well and the nurse would bring the ‘child’ back behind the doors that only authorized personnel were allowed to pass and I knew they were done. I would not be seeing them again. I must have watched a thousand years of experience hobble through that door. I watched as the waiting room kept changing, I alone waited and waited as others came and went. At the hour and a half point I started to watch the door waiting for the nurse to call my name and tell me all was well and I could go see my wife.
Two hours later the surgeon come through a different set of doors. Through these doors not only are only authorize people allowed to pass. But phones are not allowed nor recording devices. He beckons me over I gather the walker and my wife’s purse. He tells me to leave them he just needs me for a moment. I admit to a little panic. Nobody else had the surgeon come out. Nobody else was told to leave their stuff. Nobody else went through THAT door! He told me everything went well and Denyce was fine. She was in recovery. He started talking very fast, telling me what he did, what he expected, and all the aftercare instructions. He did this all in a very static rapid fire style. No way could I hope to retain any of it, I didn’t even try. I knew my wife was fine and that was all that mattered. I was sent back to my group W bench and I waited another 40 minutes before a nurse came through the normal doors that only authorized personnel are allowed to pass. She told me to bring my stuff, so I gathered my purse and walker and was brought to my groggy and slightly cranky wife. We sat, we talked, we listened to the nurse as she told us what to do and how to do it and what to expect. Eventually Denyce asked me the time. I told her it was noon. We had been there almost five hours. Denyce looked at me like I was insane and told me the last thing she remembered was a nurse telling her she was being given a shot so she could relax.

Yup It’s a Renfaire

We try to go to the Pa Renaissance fair every year or at least every other year.  I won’t get into all the details because you can check them out here.  There are many shows to watch including magicians, jugglers, story tellers, musicians, singers, bawdy and comedy acts.  There are interesting shops to wander through, a few old time rides, for an additional coin of the realm (US Greenbacks) you can even ride an elephant. The human chess match between the Queen of England and the King of Scotland is not to be missed, and of course one does not want to miss the Royal Joust. There are endless food stalls selling everything from Turkey legs to bacon on a stick, Deep fried Oreos to Scotch egg eating competitions.  And then there are the costumes,  some are simply amazing and others, well others are just interesting but I like to see them all from those who are paid to be at the faire and those who fork over the $30.00 for the privilege to attend.

When you remove all the glitter, glamour and glitz it is simply the nerdiest place on earth.  A place where nerds from far and wide come to congregate, to drink and make merry where the Trekkies manage to blend in with the twihearts and the elves mingle with the crusaders.   A magical place where a 40 year old Harry Potter can sit with a 60 year old Robin Hood and both be served by the same tavern wench who wears a flint lock pistol on one hip and a sword on the other.

But just when you didn’t think it could get much nerdier it does.  We were heading off to see the falconer, along the way we noticed three teenage boys sitting at a picnic table playing dungeons and dragons!  Really boys, did your mom kick you out of the basement?

I don’t understand people. I just don’t.
Oh an example you want? Okay. Recently we saw the movies The Avengers and Battleship. I didn’t really like the Avengers. However I really enjoyed Battleship. Obviously some people will like The Avengers better, no problem we like what we like. However I found the reason why people liked The Avengers over Battleships odd. The overwhelming consensus was that they didn’t like Battleship because it wasn’t believable or realistic. One person I spoke to who loved The Avengers wouldn’t even go to see Battleship because they heard that it wasn’t realistic.
Am I the only one who finds the flaw in this thinking? You can tell me if I’m wrong, but I found both movies unrealistic.
The Avengers is about a group of superhero’s battling a god in an effort to save mankind.
Battleship is about Aliens attacking earth and some Navy guys are battling the aliens to try and save mankind.
How is one of the movies more realistic than the other? I don’t understand.
You want another example? Okay.
Let us imagine you are walking across a parking lot and somebody backs out of a space, rather than paying attention to where they are driving they are paying attention to the conversation they are having on their cell phone. When told to hang up the phone and pay attention you are told ‘to mind your own f*****g business! How is it not your business when you are about to be run over?
The reality? My wife and I were walking across a parking lot and some lady backing out of a space almost ran us over because she was, of course, not looking where she was going, she was too busy talking on a cell phone. My wife tells her to hang up her phone and pay attention! The driver rolls down her window and yells at my wife to mind her own F***** business. My wife starts yelling back that it is everyone’s business when you are a hazard on the road, that when you risk the life of other people then it is everyones business.  Imagine our surprise that when my wife stopped yelling at the driver the whole parking lot started clapping and cheering and yelling “You tell her lady”. Yup my wife got a standing ovation in a parking lot by putting a stupid person in her place. The lady in the car turned beat red rolled up her windows put down her phone and got the heck out of dodge. It was a good day but I still don’t understand people.
You want yet another example? Okay one more.

I have to be a little delicate on this one because it concerns work. A technician requested from me a very specific piece of equipment. We simply did not have any. He tells me he needs one. I tell him that is wonderful and I’m sorry, but I don’t have one. He starts to tell me why he needs one. I interrupt him and explain that it really doesn’t matter why he needs one because I don’t have one regardless of the reason why he needs one. Obviously he didn’t understand the nature of the problem because he insisted on telling me why he needed one. After he got through his explanation he aseemed quite surprised that I still didn’t have one to give him.
Seriously, I don’t understand people.

The Real Tweeters

Before I start this post, I want to add a line from my last post about famous lines from the movies  “As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly”  WKRP in Cincinati.  Those that remember the show, there is no need to explain you are grinning already.

May 18th is my official day to remove the outdoor Christmas decorations.  I was about to pull the wreath off the front door when I realized that there was a birds nest in the middle of the wreath complete with eggs.  I wasn’t sure if the nest was real as the wreath is pretty woodsy looking.  I confered with my wife who assured me that the wreath did not come with a nest.  When I went back out to look again Momma bird was a little upset, so I went on to other things.  Monday May 21st I took a picture of the eggs and two birds had hatched.  Every few days I would sneak out and take snap another picture.  June 5th I walked up to the nest as usual and snapped my picture and got out of the way.  I walked across the driveway and when I looked back all five baby birds exploded from the nest landing in the various trees.  The following are the pictures in order.

Baby Birds

52912

All eggs hatched

52912

Getting bigger

531

62

And two minutes later they flew

Best Movie Quotes

Okay so I decided to list ten of my favourite entertainment quotes:  Feel free to add some in the comments section.

1 “Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in Hell”  From the movie 300

2 “next time someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!”  Ghostbusters

3 “Release The Kraken!”  Clash of the Titans

4 “I could have had a pissed on carpet”  The Big Lebowski

5 “Fill your hand you son of a bitch”  True Grit.

6 “Timmy’s in the well”  Lassie

7 “Poop in his hand! Poop in his hand!”  G-Force

8 “I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.” High Fidelity

9 “Get your stinking paws off me you damned dirty ape”  Planet of the Apes

10 “Nobody puts baby in a corner” Dirty Dancing.

(bonus quote),  “My precious…”  Lord of the Rings.

We needed a new roof.  We chose a black metal maintenance free roof that is guaranteed for life.  But should you try to call us on the telephonic equipment don’t be surprised if we don’t answer. We only have cell phones and the metal roof blocks the cell signal in certain spots within our house.  Not to worry though, you call always call Millheim Pa ask the Amish person who picks up the phone to speak to Henry, then tell Henry you are trying to reach the guy who lives across the street from Amy, the one with the new lawn mower and the shiny black metal roof, who is making a racket with his working chipper shredder.

Okay, since you asked so nicely I will explain.

Millheim Pa sports a large Amish community has a population of 907 people consisting 322 families. Millheim also happens to be located 45 minutes away from our home.  We were in Millheim because my wife works with Jamie, Jamie’s husband, Nick is a general contractor who owns his own contracting business Nickolas Klaue Construction.  We were hiring Nick to put on our new roof. For you locals, if you are working on a project I’d give Nick a call.  His rates are reasonable.  He does good work, he was done in the time he said it would take and when done he cleaned up everything.  We could not be more satisfied.  My wife started talking to Nick about our two lawn mowers that don’t work.  Nick suggested that we visit Millheim small engine repair because even if the mowers are not worth fixing, Henry the owner would probably take them as a trade.  My wife and I loaded up the ole’ SUV with the incredibly heavy chipper shredder that I have not been able to start in two years and went off in search of Henry and his Millheim Small Engine Repair.  We spoke to Henry and told him Nick sent us.  We discussed the mower situation and he said bring them on down and we can work something out, after all we are friends with Nick.

Two weeks later we went to pick up our chipper shredder.  Rather than bring the mowers down we decided to take pictures.  From the pictures alone Henry offered us a deal.

While filling out paper work the woman who works for Henry noticed our address and says to my wife.  “Do you know Amy?”  To which my wife replied yes we do, Amy lives across the street from us and is the sister to our neighbor John with whom we are good friends.  The woman explained that she knows Amy and her husband quite well but does not know John, but knows of John because Linda’s daughter is currently dating John.  “Really” we said, we know John is dating but we didn’t know who, nor do we know this Linda.  The woman explained that she knows Linda well but not Linda’s daughter and it is Linda X.  The name to me sounds familiar.   Suddenly I perk up, I know a Dean X we work together or at least in the same company, just different departments.  Dean also lives on our street.  Yes the woman explained, Dean is Linda’s son so John is dating Dean’s sister.

So 45 minutes from home, a complete stranger is informing us of the socio-geographic landscape of our street.  Nothing like life in small town, but wait my big city friends, the saga continues.

The woman helping us with the paper work notices that my wife works at Penn State.  “Oh, I used to work there” she says, “where do you work at Penn State?”  My wife starts to explain and the woman interrupts my wife because the woman used to work at the same lab my wife works!  And their time over lapped each other!

So we ended up supporting two local businesses, learning the gossip on our street, a working chipper shredder, a new riding mower, and a new roof.

Do you remember Nick?  Yeah, well after all was said and done Nick purchased one of our non-working mowers from Henry.  It is the circle of life I’m tellin’ you.  THE CIRCLE…

Quietly driving the to work, The radio is tuned to our favourite talk radio show,(yes we have reached that age) our friend, the very funny Kevin Nelson is host. I’m negotiating traffic, enjoying the views from the mountain top, just enjoying a quiet ride into work while my wife relaxes in the passenger seat with her eyes closed.  Suddenly my wife speaks up:

Denyce: I just learned I can wink out of both eyes independently.

Silence

Denyce:  If both eyes are open I can close my left eye without a problem however if I close my right eye the left side of my face wrinkles up.

Silence

Denyce:  If both eyes are closed I can open my left eye without a problem but if I open just my right eye my left eye opens just a little bit.

Me:  Well, it has been a while since I’ve been able to write a post for my blog.  But I think that’s about to change.

We both laugh and talk about my upcoming post, and how she got thinking about winking and blinking.

 a moment passes.

Denyce:  Maybe it is because my left leg is shorter than my right leg.

What is Your Lot in Life?

You know what I love about ancient history?  It was all one big blood bath!  Take Haman for example.  What you have never heard of Haman?  Let me enlighten you.  Haman, otherwise known as the Evil Haman was a descendant of Agag, funny name, but you deal with what life gives you. Agag was the King of Amalekites, (see despite his unfortunate name he became a king).  The Amalekites were the descendants of the Almalek and if you want to know who that is, look it up yourself because I’m getting lost in all the links I have to go through to tell this story.  However I wouldn’t waste your time looking that up because the Amalekites, (spoiler alert) were wiped out by King Saul and David as directed by God.  Back in 15BC when all this was taking place when God said jump well you had just better jump mister.  Obviously they were not all killed because we still had the problem of the Evil one who now served Artaxerxes II the King of Persia.  Looking at Artaxesrxes name I can only assume it was his grandfather who you can blame for the creation of taxes.  But that is just a hunch.

Pay attention because now we are back on track and getting back to the point of all this.  Sometimes I have to feel bad for you readers because at this point in the tale you have no idea what this post is really about.  Have a little faith and keep reading, it will all become clear.

Haman didn’t like the Jews, probably because Dave and Saul killed off most of his ancestors. I’m willing to bet that Haman didn’t take into account that his ancestors probably tried to kill off the Jews, again an assumption.  I’m not clicking on yet another link to unwind the entire tale.  So Haman plotted to kill all the Jews in Persia.  He tried to convince the King of Persia, (Artaxes) to start off by killing Mordecai.  Haman decided on Mordecai for two reasons, first he drew ‘lots’ and the name he pulled was Mordecai. Mordecai refused to postulate himself before the King making him a seemingly easier target to convince the King to have Mordecai killed.  But as we soon learn, Haman the Evil had yet another little known title which is ‘Haman the Stupid’

Earlier, Mordecai uncovered a plot to assassinate King Artaxes and because of Mordecai’s vigilance the plot was foiled and Mordecai’s service to the king was noted in the King’s royal ledger.

Is anyone out there still reading?  I hope so it is about to get interesting. Mordecai was a super nice guy.  He was so nice that when his cousin Esther became an orphan Mordecai adopted her and raised her as his own daughter.  Years later Artaxes had one of his wives exiled and took another.  This new wife was Esther!  Yes a Jew, yes the same Jew that Mordecai raised as his own daughter.

Mordy learned of the plot to assassinate the Jews of Persia and talked to Queen Esther.  Queen Esther armed the Jews of Persian cities to fight against Haman’s armies and the Jews, as usual were winning the battle. At this point King Artaxes rescinded the order to kill the Jews of the empire. Mordecai quickly became respected member of the court and Haman ended up being executed in the gallows that were built for the execution of Mordecai. 

In memory the Jews celebrate the narrow escape and celebrate the feast of ‘Lots’ because of the Lots that Haman drew when deciding which of the Elder Jews of the empire to assassinate first. 

The Hebrew word for ‘lots’ is Purim and March 7th was Purim so a late happy Purim to you all.

Last year I wrote a post about Passover, it was one of my more successful posts. Click here if you missed it, well worth the read in my opinion. A somewhat humours but accurate take on one of our more poplular holidays. 

The other day I was in the grocery store and came across this little gem and it occurs to me that life, despite the fact that technology is leaving me in the dust, is getting a lot easier.

Kosher for Passover cotton candy.  Perhaps I should think about celebrating the holiday again.

Batteries Not Included

We purchased a new living room sofa, and this badboy is huge, plus with the touch of a button each section reclines. There is a battery backup in the case of a black out but we have yet to put a battery in.  Why?  Because it takes two 9 volt batteries, they are 7.99 and we are cheap.  Besides we live in the woods in the middle of almost nowhere what are the chances of a power failure?

So the other day we did not have a power failure and we still don’t have batteries in the recliner because we are still cheap, but I did learn how we would get our lazy butts out of the chair if there was an outage.

My wife was sitting beside me on her side playing a video game on the computer, half asleep with three of the cats piled on top of her.  I’m on my side, playing a computer game on the ole’ Xbox, half asleep with two cats zoned out on my lap.   The dog is outside on her lunge line.  Suddenly I hear the sound of dogs growling.  Sequoia is more than ready to take on any dog that crosses her path.  I didn’t even think.  Pressing the button on the chair would take too much time.  I tossed the Xbox controller and just leaped off the end of the recliner which remained in its reclined position, my wife was hot on my heels. So yes it is possible to leave the electric recliners without power or a battery backup.

As for the dogs?

When I stepped outside Sequoia was nose to nose with a German shepherd and no, not a guy with a heavy accent herding sheep but the four legged dog type.  I’ve got to give the shepherd credit, he stayed just out of reach of Sequoia they could touch noses but that was it.  The dog took one look at me and headed for home. No blood, no wounds, no fuss no muss.  Just like that it was over.

What is the moral of the story?  We don’t need no stinkin’ batteries.