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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

A few years back I bought a belt.  After the purchase I realized the belt came with a secret ninja type bottle opener.  Can you imagine my excitement?  If you can, just let me know in the comments below!  Anyway, I was incredibly excited that I purchased a twofer, (two for one). Not only could I keep my pants from falling down, I could open a bottle anytime, anywhere!

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Disappointment set in quickly.  Almost every bottle, or at least every bottle I need to open is a twist top. Bottle openers are everywhere, on utility knives, survival tools, key chains and places I certainly would not have thought of, belt buckles being one.

Don’t you think that in this day and age somebody would have gotten in touch with the bottle opening people and let them know that bottles are now all twist top? They need to stop with the traditional bottle openers and start selling twist top openers so we can all save our fingers from getting shredded!  

Now my friends, if one person stands up and demands a change in bottle openers, well they will think you are crazy, but if three people stand up, can you imagine three people standing up and demanding a change in bottle openers?  Why they will think its a movement, but could you imagine if we all stood up, hundreds if not thousands of us stand up and demand a change in bottle openers?  Why they would think its a revolution, and friends that is just what it would be, The 2018 Bottle Opener Revolution!  All you Arlo Guthrie fans will understand the above reference. The rest of you may want to find half an hour and have a listen to Alice’s Restaurant. 

Now to get back on track with this blog.  We are just waiting for it to come around on the keyboard. Here it comes!

A year went past, and another one and I never got to use my secret belt buckle bottle opener.  And then it happened. Walking through the grocery store we found a four pack bottle of soda, limited edition, with, you know it, non-twist off bottle caps!

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The first bottle I totally messed up.  I was at home in sweatpants.  I reached into the fridge took out the bottle and without thinking tried to twist the top off shredding my fingers in the process.  Pissed off I reached into a kitchen drawer and used the traditional kitchen bottle opener to open the bottle and only thought of my belt buckle moments later.  Damn!

The second bottle was a success(?) I was at work and had brought one of the bottles of soda.  When I went to open it I realized I didn’t have a bottle opener.  I looked around at work, no bottle opener.  I have a few unorthodox methods of opening a bottle and was looking for the proper surface to do just that when it struck me!  I was wearing my belt! Yay.

Then I found another problem.  In order to use my secret bottle opener I had to unbuckle my belt and losen it some as the opener is located on the underside of the buckle.   I don’t know about the rest of you, but undoing my belt at work and using it to open my soda bottle is not what I consider appropriate.  Heading into the washroom with a bottle of soda is also not something I would recommend either, Finally I slipped into the warehouse hid behind a pallate of boxes and did the deed.  Finally I got to use my belt to open a bottle. 

Money well spent.

 

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Here is an interesting observation.  Every sound in and around our house has the exact same ending.  An example?  Okay, a bird chirping in a tree sounds like this, “Tweet…tweeet….twweeeWOOF WOOF GGRRRR WOOF WOOF!”  A car pulling into a driveway four houses down sounds like this, ‘VroooWOOF….WOOFWOOFWOOOF…GRRRWOOF’.   The neighbor in his kitchen opening a beer, ‘PfffWOOF…WOOOFWOOOOF…’.  How about an ant farting under a leaf? ‘…..WOWOWOOFGRRRRWOOF…WOOF.’   Every sound day or night.  I’ve lived here what 16 years now? Until we brought a Great Pyrenees into our home I never noticed the similarities to the sounds.

Perhaps it is because our house is in the woods and often damp that food here left un-attended, almost instantly turns into a tiny puddle of slime.  Just the other day I took three cookies out of the bag. I ate one and put the two remaining on the counter while I went to get a drink.  When I turned around to pick up the cookies they had reduced themselves into a small pile of drool like substance.  We made pizza the other night,  my wife had her plate on the end table as we ate and watched television. When she went to reach for the last piece on the plate, it had transformed into a spot of slime.

Our self-cleaning counters also cleans the dishes.  True thing!  Place your plate on the counter, turn your back and when you turn around plate is clean, although sometimes there is a tiny puddle on it.

I never knew that inanimate objects had hair.  Our couch has hair, as does our floor and clothes heck even our carpet has a carpet on top of it. Sure you can vacuum it up, which we do but it just grows back and grows back fast.  If only what is left on the top of my head would do the same.

But you know? Even with the hair, drool and barking.  Even with the brushing, walking, vet, Even with the fights to get them a bath or clipping nails I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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With Easter quickly approaching I thought I’d fill you in on some of the more important Easter facts.

Did you know?

1 It is not an Easter Bunny it is an Easter hare.

2 It is not an Easter Hare because it doesn’t exist

3 There is no place in the scriptures that mentions such a beast.

4 There is no religious significance attached to the Easter Bunny

5 The Easter Bunny is the most prominent symbol for the highest Christian holiday.

6 Eggs are a symbol of fertility and bunnies are a symbol of procreation, (somebody mooshed them together)

7 Easter eggs were brought over to USA in the 1700’s when the Germans settled in Pennsylvania.

8 The German children prepared nests for the colourful egg laying creatures (hence the Easter baskets)

9 The Pope had decreed that Christians should give up eggs for lent and then gave them back for Easter.  Thus people began giving eggs as Easter gifts.

10 The Russians hacked Easter and upped the ante by decorating the eggs in gold and precious gems.

11 We, as a consumer driven society upped the ante once again.  By making it one of the largest consumer holidays.

12 Because nobody is sure when the resurrection happened, nobody is sure when Easter really is.  The First council of Nicaea created two rules for Easter.  1 it had to be independent of the Jewish calendar. 2. It had to have worldwide uniformity.  Ever try to get the world to agree on anything? Every date suggested somebody had other plans. It took centuries to establish the celebration to take place on the first Sunday after the ecclesiastical full moon soonest after March 21st.

13 Hunting Easter eggs is a cruel and barbaric sport where children are released to find defenses unsuspecting albeit colour full eggs.

13 The above mentioned eggs may or may not be cage free eggs.  I’m sure soon after this blog is published and it becomes known that they may not be cage free eggs there will be a movement to only use cage free eggs. As if the eggs know the difference.

And finally, this year 2018 Easter falls on April fools day.  With that in mind here is a little tip if you haven’t thought of it yourselves.  This year you don’t actually have to hide the eggs.  It is okay to just say you did.  April fools!

 

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It is hard enough finding motivation to write.  So it is really frustrating when I want to write and cannot come up with a topic.  That said, here are some random thoughts buzzing around in my head.

Who decided the current toilet paper roll dimensions? Was there some sort of committee?  I’m not complaining, they did an excellent job, I’m just curious as to how it all came about.

The original Smurfs, there were 100 of them and only three are women. Makes you wonder what goes on in those mushroom shaped houses.

In the chilrdens’ rhyme “This Little Piggy” You know, the one usually counted out on an infant’s toes?   The rhyme starts out ‘This little piggy went to market’.  Only recently I learned that first piggy did not go shopping!  I’m still trying to ‘process’.

Elves, can we come to some sort of agreement?  Are they beautiful mystical creatures that strive for a peaceful way of life but when pushed become fearsome protective warriors?  Or are they pudgy little bumbling toy and cookie makers?  Seems the closest we can all agree on is they have pointy ears.

I am 52 years old, I have been listening to Meatloaf for the majority of my life.  I’ve finally figured out what all three things are in Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.  Yes, sometimes I am a little slow.

Speaking of Lyrics:

“And she was blinded by the light, oh cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night….”

I am settling this for once and for all.  In New Jersey, the home town of Bruce Springsteen ‘Cut loose like a deuce’ refers to a break up.  So she broke up with her boyfriend and ran home.  I understand that the lyrics were changed by another,  to revved up like a deuce, so everyone thought the lyrics referred to the Ford Deuce Coupe. By everyone I’m referring to the 0.2 percent of the listening population who understood the lyrics unlike the rest of us who thought he was calling somebody a douche.

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“In 1340 the black death arrived on the shores of Italy and quickly spread across Europe.  By the time the plague was done a third of the world population was dead. when somebody would show symptoms of having the dreaded disease they were ushered into a room in the house and locked in, nobody ever left those rooms alive. It is believed that the souls in those rooms attached their spirits to the keys that locked them in.  A great many of these keys still exist, obviously this is one”

At least that is what I told the ladies in the antique store as the skeleton key I was buying rolled over in the open palm of my outstretched hand.

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My wife and I were wandering through an antique mall just before it was closing.  In the back of the store I found a bunch of skeleton keys less than five dollars each.  One of my favorite effects from my magic days is a little something called the, Haunted Key.  A skeleton key is laid across my palm and all on its own it slowly turns as if it is in a lock.  It is an incredibly haunting effect that always gets a great response. The effect does not work with any skeleton key so once you know the secret you just have to keep trying them until you find one that does.  I always buy the keys when I find them because I am always losing them.

When we walked up to the cash there was one other customer in the shop.  I handed the cashier my prize. My wife pipes up,  “Aren’t you going to show them why you are buying that key?”  The cashier fell right in and said, “Yes, why are you buying this key?”

“Because it is haunted” I said offhandedly. Both the cashier and the other woman froze.  “I’ll show you” I took the key laid it on my palm and we all watched as the key ever so slowly turned in my hand.  After the very loud momentarily silence that followed the cashier asked, “Do all keys do that?”

“No, only the haunted ones”

“I want to test my keys at home, can you show me how you held it?”

I repeated the effect and again both watched intently.  “Are you serious? Is it really haunted?”

I didn’t even get a chance to reply as the other customer did that for me.  She said, “I think he is very serious” at which point I couldn’t help myself.  I had to bring home the effect and opened my mouth,

“In 1340 the black death landed on the shores….”

Both women bought the story hook line and sinker.   On the drive home I said to my wife, “I probably should have told them I am a magician and it was a trick”

“No” my wife instantly responded, “It is not your job, they can believe what they wish” and we laughed all the way home.

In 1974 my father opened up Perfect Magic.  42 years later that shop still exits both brick and mortar and on the web with my parents at the helm.  Why not pay them a visit at PerfectMagic.com and if you want the Haunted Key which they still carry, tell them Brian sent you.

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I know this is a question that has been burning deep within us all. Why did the dinosaurs leave Europe? As you all know, over 200 million years ago some of the dinosaurs packed up and migrated from Europe. A few points of interest here. 1. They moved after Pangaea (The earths super continent) broke apart . 2 Immigration laws were just as lax then as they are now. 3. Scientists know they migrated because of Facebook. No my wonderful but silly followers the dinosaurs did not document every single aspect of their lives by posting on Facebook, their fingers were far too clumsy to type. Instead scientists used Network theory, the same process used to track and study internet data like how we connect and move through Facebook. Because I value the readers of this blog I went to all the trouble to look up network theory so I could explain it to you. Unfortunately it requires a lot of words and graphs and all sorts of stuff.  I got rather sleepy after the first few words. So if you really want to know about network theory I suggest google, and please feel free to post your findings in the comment section below.

You may be wondering why I’m discussing this? You are not alone as I often wonder why I talk about certain things. Actually what caught my attention was the more specific question of, How did they cross the great waters? After all the super continent had broken up and I doubt T-Rex would have taken a boat even with an all you can eat buffet, I just don’t see it.  And air travel is out, their carry on would never fit in that little compartment above the seat.  If you have not traveled by air as of late, let me tell you the airlines have become very picky about that sort of thing.

The answers are two fold. 1. Land bridges of course. The second was more interesting. One scientist decided that they swam across the great waters. And how did he come up with this scientific theory? Through great research? No? Through fossil evidence? No, he surmised that elephants can swim, therefore dinosaurs should have been able to swim. Makes perfect scientific sense to me.

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I saw a YouTube video featuring dogs catching treats in slow motion. What makes it hysterical is most of the dogs could not catch. If you have a few minutes after you finish reading and commenting on this blog I recommend you head over to YouTube and type in the search bar “Dogs Catching Treats In Slow Motion’.

While watching television my wife threw a piece of popcorn to Quinn. Quinn is the most food driven dog I have ever come across. He watched it sail through the air and land on the ground he nosed it around, ate it and came looking for more with Clary on his heels. Denyce threw another piece which bounced off of Quinn’s nose. Clary’s response was the same. The popcorn would bounce off her head and hit the floor where she would scoop it up. Quinn to his credit started to “catch” on. A more pieces and he was bobbing his head and running around with his mouth open hoping this mana from heaven would fall into his mouth. Clary seemed to stick with the “bounce it off the face” method.

We suddenly heard an odd sucking noise which seemed to be coming from Clary. I tossed another piece of popcorn. It sailed threw the air bopped her on the nose and in the next second she opened her wet drooley mouth (which was indeed the source of the sucking sound) in an attempt to catch the popcorn which was already on the floor.

Persistence pays off. Most of the time their timing is so bad it brings us to fits of laughter, but now, weeks and several sessions later they sometimes manage to snag a little something out of the air especially if we aim at their mouths.

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