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I May Be Odd, But So Is My Dog!

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on January 25, 2011| 4 Comments »

               

I don’t eat blue food.

My dog begs and does tricks for a chunk of cheddar cheese every morning.  She won’t touch it at night because it is morning cheese.

                I like rainy days, but I hate being in the rain.

Sequoia will not tolerate anyone blowing on her, yet she gets in the car and all she wants to do is stick her face out the window nose to the wind.  As a responsible pet owner, I beg you only to do this at slow speeds, it is not funny when dogs get hit in the head with flying rocks.

                I don’t eat organ meat of any sort

We purchased some knuckle bones for Sequoia, she would not even lick at them until we covered them in BBQ sauce and put them on the grill.

                I won’t eat spaghetti in public.

Sequoia will go into Petco and beg for treats, (and get them from the staff) yet if we purchase any of those treats and bring them home she won’t eat them.  It does not matter that she loved them in the store because those are Petco treats.

                When I moved to Pennsylvania I brought along my cat Kaliban.  She passed away a few years ago but I think of her often.

If you say ‘Kaliban’ in Sequoia’s presence she throws her head back and howls I like to think that Sequoia is also missing Kaliban and is singing to her.

                I may be hairy

Sequoia is a hairy beast.

                I’m lazy and sedentary

Sequoia, very un-husky like is also quite sedentary.  She does not destroy the furniture; she has every toy we have ever given her.  Every morning just before I open her door, I say, quite loudly, “Release the Kraken” almost every morning she comes out stretching and yawning, makes it about two steps past her door and lays down again.

                While I spent most of my life demonstrating magic tricks, I don’t like to be the center of attention.

When Sequoia enters a room, she makes sure everyone knows she is in the building.

                I’m not overly fond of people.

Sequoia positively hates other dogs, they are the enemy!  However, every Friday in August at 6pm, Wiscoy has its annual Ice cream social for dogs. She spends a great deal of time growling at the other dogs, yet she loves the event.

                I don’t like ketchup

We like to call Sequoia our Sequoiamatic, give her a plate and she will clean it like new that is unless there is ketchup, she thinks it is evil.

                I’m possessive

 Sequoia doesn’t like other animals touching her stuff of course ‘her stuff’ is everything in her line of sight. 

               I’ve heard it said that pets and their owners rub off on one another. 

I believe this to be true, all my clothes are covered in Husky hair.

                I snore on occasion.

Sequoia is a snoring fool.

                 Everybody who comes in contact with Sequoia always tells me how beautiful she is.

Never has anybody told Sequoia how beautiful I am.

                 My wife tells me that sometimes I don’t listen.

If you don’t have food, Sequoia is not the best listener either.

                Sometimes Sequoia doesn’t know when to stop whining.

Sometimes I don’t know when to stop typing.

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The Door Is Latched

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , on January 18, 2011| 6 Comments »

It was a time before the snows fell, a time when gas was still under three dollars a gallon and there were still only 12 Zodiac signs. The leaves were already off the trees and the forest floor was spongy from the rains. Nairb opened his eyes just before dawn, in truth he didn’t know or care when Dawn opened her eyes, it didn’t matter as Dawn has nothing to do with the tale being told. The sun however, had not yet crested the horizon. One thought entered Nairb’s head ‘check the sump pump!’ It had indeed been checked the previous night but like all things mechanical sometimes the sump pump fails.

Alone and miserable Nairb, fortified in jeans, a sweatshirt, light jacket and a trusty flashlight went out into the cold driving wind and rain. Down he went into the desolate world of spider webs, insulation and cement. The root cellar housed the heating unit for the house along with the main water intake and of course, the sump pump.

The cold dirty water flowed over the tops of his boots. Instantly his feet were freezing. Gritting his teeth against the cold in his boots Nairb sloshed over to the sump pump and deeper water. Quickly he tapped on the hose waking up the sleeping beast.

Nairb waited, his only comfort was the circle of light his flashlight provided. His feet so cold they were tingling, but hunched over the sump pump he waited to make sure the water went down. Eventually he saw the change, the water was slowly retreating. Nairb headed back into the driving rain his freezing feet swimming in his boots. Finally making it to the front porch, looking into the window he saw his beautiful wife, Ecyned getting ready for work after all it was only Thursday. Nairb bent, removed his boots and lifted them so his wife could see as he dumped the river from them. Ecyned’s eyes opened wide.

Nairb opened the front door and peeled off his soaking socks, the door closed behind him but did not latch, DID NOT LATCH! Almost crying from the cold it was all Nairb could do to make it to the bedroom and dry his burning feet. Ecyned, his loving wife and fast thinker got a second pair of socks and headed for the laundry room where she could toss them in the dryer to heat up to ease the pain in Nairb’s aching feet.

The laundry room doubles as Aiouqes bedroom (my apologies, Denyce backwards is hard enough to pronounce Sequoia’s is almost impossible).

In opening the laundry room door Ecyned freed the dog, Aiouqes into the rest of the house. And unknown to all the front door had not latched, THE FRONT DOOR HAD NOT LATCHED! Nairb, trying to warm his feet in the bedroom heard the dreaded call from the front room. “Aiouqes! Get back here! Aiouqes! Nairb Aiouqes got out!” Nairb threw on a fresh pair of jeans, didn’t even bother with socks. Donned his black sweatshirt, slipped his feet into his running shoes, and followed his wife and the dog out the door into the freezing rain and driving wind.

He caught a glimpse of Aiouqes as she darted behind the garage. Nairb followed heading into the woods calling out in his loudest voice ‘Aiouqes! Aiouqes!’ In the distance he could hear his wife also calling for the dog! Unfortunately it was the start of buck season. In central Pa most men live for two only two reasons, hunting and football. Neither Nairb nor Ecyned were wearing orange. Aiouqes with her large plume tale and red and white colouring could easily be mistaken by an overzealous hunter for a buck and both Nairb and Ecyned could easily be shot for running through the woods yelling and screaming scaring all the deer away.

Freezing tired and soaked to the bone Nairb kept trailing Aiouqes it was a difficult task as he would catch glimpses of her but if he followed too close Aiouqes would think it was a game and keep running. But if he gave up it was a good bet that Aiouqes would just run and be lost forever, that is what huskies do, they run.  Finally Aiouqes turned and headed back towards civilization, Nairb chased her through the yards of many neighbours. He spied his wife through the trees; she was in the car driving up and down the road. Aiouqes was heading in the right direction, heading for home via the backyard of a neighbour. Nairb managed to jump up and down attracting the attention of his wife, using hand signals (stupidly he neglected to pick up his cell phone as he ran out the door earlier) he let Ecyned know that the dog was heading towards the house. Nairb turned a corner around the side of a house and lost track of Aiouqes she simply vanished in the driving rain.

Nairb ran onto the street calling her name. Exhausted shivering losing feeling in his fingers and toes Nairb stood on the street calling and calling. From behind he heard a voice. The neighbour in full hunting gear was standing on his door step demanding to know what was going on.

“My dog got away from me”

“The red and white husky? It is a miserable day for her to be out and about”

“Yes I know, I managed to keep her in my sights but lost her in your backyard”

“Well I just got back from my hunting camp and didn’t see her, but I’ll keep an eye out”

Suddenly there was movement from behind. There she is! Nairb was tired and at a crossroads. Aiouqes stood deep in the lawn across the street. Nairb knew that if he approached Aiouqes would run again. He got onto his knees on the wet pavement, patted his chest and called out to her. Aiouqes went into play bow enjoying the game and would not come.

“If I called her would she come to me?” Said the large man in his hunting fatigues

“You could try, she likes strangers.”

He called her name and whistled, Aiouqes unable to resist anybody new moved a step closer. A car was coming down the street, Nairb seeing the possible light at the end of the tunnel stepped into the street blocking the car from advancing, the large man called again. Without missing a beat Aiouqes went running to the large unfamiliar man calling her name. The large hunter closed his front gate trapping Aiouqesvon his porch. Nairb standing in the street frozen, wet and weary asked the hunter,

“Do you want a husky? Only five dollars and I’ll give you the fiver.” The hunter only laughed and Nairb thanked the hunter as he secured the leash to the collar and led the wet dog down the porch. Ecyned drove up the road in the car, relieved to see Aiouqes safe and secure. Ecyned opened the car door, both Aiouqes and Nairb were only too happy to jump in, Nairb thanking the hunter again before closing the car door.

Tonight, gas is up past three dollars a gallon there is snow on the ground, an extra zodiac sign has been added to the zodiac calendar, Nairb and his lovely wife Ecyned sit in their recliners, finally enough time has passed that Nairb can tell this tale without feeling that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach while Ecyned plays a video game.

Aiouqes? She is lying on her back in the kitchen, paws in the air, (like she just don’t care) in her mouth is a utility bill which she has grasped by the corner and is wiggling on her back making the paper flop back and forth across her cheeks. I think I’ll keep my five dollars and my dog. But now, no matter what we make sure the door is latched. THE DOOR IS LATCHED!

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Onward Christian Soldiers

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , on January 11, 2011| 2 Comments »

For weeks there was a stray German shepherd struggling to survive behind the Saint Joan of Arc Catholic church in Cambria County in central Pennsylvania. It was reported that the God loving Pastor of this church encouraged his flock to ignore the dog, probably in hopes that it would just go away, like any good sheep they obeyed while the dog needlessly suffered.

If another unfortunate set of circumstances would not have unfolded the way they did this dog would have died cold, alone, afraid and starving a few feet from a house of God while it’s parishioners warm and well fed prayed, asking God to recognize them as good people.

A woman approached the dog and the dog snapped at her, the husband then shot the dog in the head.  The dog survived and was rescued by a local dog rescue called Dogs Deserve Better.

The story gets interesting as more facts come to light. After the dog was shot it was one of the parishioners who eventually made a report to the authorities.  Once the report was made and word got out Dogs Deserve Better stepped in and rescued the dog who then offered a $1000.00 reward for information on the shooter.  It was only after the reward was offered that the woman stepped up to the plate and admitted that it was her husband who shot the dog.  The latest update is that the police concluded their investigation and the shooter is being charged with animal cruelty.

I don’t understand why all this happened?  When the dog first appeared couldn’t the pastor simply call the Humane Society of Cambria County?  How can one call themselves a good Christian and then knowingly allow one of God’s creatures to suffer?  Suffer a few feet from where they worship and intentionally do nothing about it?  I laugh at the person who ratted out their husband in order to collect a thousand dollars, only to have him charged with animal abuse.  The whole pathetic lot are just a bunch of Rat Bastards!

I am thankful that the dog was eventually rescued and will soon be in a good home. 

Calling yourself a good Christian because you go to church, is like calling yourself a mechanic because you have a car in your driveway.

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I Hope

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged , , on January 6, 2011| 9 Comments »

I was thinking about the New Year.  At first, even though I don’t make New Year’s resolutions I thought about trying to be more positive.  After every negative statement I would say something positive.  Giving this more thought I realized that if I was going to do that, then why would I say anything negative to begin with?  Okay, so I won’t say anything negative.  Giving this a moment more thought I came to the conclusion that if I wouldn’t say anything negative I’d probably never speak again.  While some may view that as a positive, I view it as a negative which is why I don’t make resolutions.

So what does the New Year hold?  I don’t know.  I can however hope.

I hope:

                My friends and family stay happy and healthy.

                The positive always outweighs the negative.

                The economy improves and people start finding work again.

I hope:

                To finish off some home renovations, to get our garage under some sort of control, to put my tools to good use

                To make the term ‘Rat Bastard’ popular again!  If you are with me on this then put a ‘Hell Yeah’ in the comments section, if not, then you are part of the problem you Rat Bastards, you know who you are.

                To make some new friends and keep up with the old

                They don’t cancel the show, ‘Wipe Out’

                To keep my wife from sticking her finger in my ear, (don’t ask)

I hope:

                This year with my wife will be as wonderful as the last 9 years.

To You:

                To paraphrase Mr. Spock, ‘Live happy and prosper’

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Irish Mist and the New Year

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , on January 4, 2011| 5 Comments »

Every year my wife and I manage the ritual of forcing ourselves to stay awake till midnight on New Year’s Eve.  Every year the countdown starts and I find myself rushing to the kitchen uncorking the wine splashing some into each glass and sitting back down on the couch beside my wife we both call out in our in our half asleep voices in unison with Dick Clark 4…3…2…1!  Happy New Year!  We sip our wine give each other a kiss tell each other we love each other and then we haul our tired, lazy asses off to bed as the neighbours irritatingly set of fireworks.

In the morning we dump the remaining wine from our glasses down the sink and for the next 8 months we shuffle the half corked wine bottle around the fridge in an effort to make space until somebody bites the bullet and dumps the remains.

We both enjoy a drink.  We both enjoy wine; wine is for special events or company and considering how little company we get, company itself is a special event.  Yet special events come and go and there the bottle sits.

Beer never goes to waste and there is never a partially opened bottle to shuffle around. Liquor never goes to waste.  Liquor lasts forever and stays in the pantry rather than taking up much needed room in the fridge.  I have no problem adding a splash or two of Captain Jack’s spiced rum to my soda.  Being the owner of a Jimmy ‘Buffet Margarita Maker’ we always have different flavours of rum and vodka in the house along Tequila, Triple Sec and various bourbons and of course you never know when you will need a shot of whiskey.

This year we decided to do things a little differently.  We were not going to open another bottle of wine.  And we were not going to force ourselves to stay awake till midnight.  We would go to bed at our usual time 10pm, if not earlier.

December 31 we found ourselves running errands and decided to see what we could find in the alcohol store.  We are not connoisseurs by any stretch of the imagination.  We look for the coolest looking bottles we could possibly afford.  Speaking of which, I don’t know how people can afford to be alcoholics.  A bottle of cheap common vodka is eight dollars, want a little better? The price jumps to twelve dollars and up, and up!  Even Nyquil is a fortune these days, but I digress.

My wife shows me a bottle of something called Irish Mist.  We like Irish, my wife has some Irish blood and a friend in Vancouver is of Irish descent and she is cool.  The back of the bottle describes the liquor as a distinctly Irish smoked and honey flavor.   The little tag has some directions for drinking, (I suppose that is for idiots like myself how can’t figure out how to drink) you can either add a shot to cola (cola=pop or soda depending on where you come from) with a twist of lime, or pour over ice and then drain into a shot glass.  I was thrilled, usually when they give you additional recipes you have to spend another three hundred dollars on the spirits.

We finally made it home and it was time to attend to Irish Mist. I got two short glasses placed an ice cube in each and added a shot of Mist.  We sat down on the recliners and I had my first sip.  I closed my eyes as the honeyed liquid velvet slowly whispered its way into my soul. My second swallow finished the shot. I looked over at my wife, she was already sucking on the ice cube and holding her glass.  In her best Oliver Twist mimicry said: “More Sir, please more”

Two more ice cubes, two three more shots.  My wife the tequila drinker tells me she is feeling tipsy but perhaps just one more shot.  Plink, plink two more ice cubes.

Some habits are harder to break than others.  Long past our bedtime, the dog is snoring on the couch and suddenly the countdown has started and once again I’m in the kitchen two more ice cubes three more shots I manage to sit down as Dick Clark takes over from Ryan Seacrest and slurs out the last 10 seconds (really Dick, you’ve done a great job, we all love you, but perhaps it is time to retire).  Four, three, two, one…Happy New Year!  We kiss each other, kiss the dog.  The neigbours set off the fireworks but for some reason they are not so irritating this time around.  We drift off into a peaceful slumber with Irish fairies dancing in our heads.  

And so a new tradition is born!

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Bye Bye 2010

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged on December 31, 2010| 1 Comment »

2010 is drawing to a close and what can I say?

I still have my job, for a while it was touch and go as the powers that be re-structured the entire department. While I can celebrate keeping my job it was bitter-sweet as two of my co-workers lost theirs.

For the first time we got a real tree at Christmas, overall it was a good thing and an interesting experience.

I’ve averaged two posts a week for my blog which was my goal.

I got on twitter, I have 9 followers and I am following 17, granted I really don’t keep up with tweeting.

We did not add another pet to our menagerie, which is a good thing because we are out of room.

 We did have successful release of possums and squirrels and a few mice that we caught in our live trap.  However other mice that avoided the trap fell victim to our cats.

We got a good start to some home renovations and we have plans for more.

We have made some new friends that we have enjoyed spending time with and we have kept up with old friends.

We have had profound learning experiences mainly that no matter how devastating certain situations seem there is always a positive side.

When you get knocked down, you just have to stand up, and when you stand up, you have to help out those that are still down.

While we have our health issues, we are all alive and kicking.

Sequoia’s (our Husky) health issues were really trying but thanks to some great advice from two great vets (both here and away) she seems to be her old self.  One of our older cats has some ongoing issues but she seems to have leveled out a little bit so we will just have to wait and see.

We actually went to a Penn State Football game, it was my first, and if I have anything to say about, my last.

It seems like this was a big year with many ups and downs.  But as I sit here with 2 and half hours left of the year I really can’t think of everything that transpired, which reminds of something a friend of mine once said.  “I am not sure what I do all day, but I’m always tired at the end of it”

Have a wonderful new year.

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We Don’t Have Children Because…

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , on December 18, 2010| 4 Comments »

Two recent events brought me to the writing of this post.  The first was that somebody asked me if I had any children.  For the last year or so I have responded to that question by saying, “Well, we did have a boy but he was allergic to the dog so we had to adopt him out.”  I really enjoy it when the response is a look of horror, in which case I add, “Well we had the dog first!”

As to why we don’t have children? There are a multitude of reasons and be aware I have gathered the following information from years of observation and the list is in no particular order:

1)      I am cheap, kids are expensive.

2)      They really don’t make good listeners

3)      They make noise, sometimes they make a lot of noise

4)      Poop, pee, puke, yes the three P’s.  I’m not fond of cleaning up after myself why would I commit to years of cleaning somebody else’s.

5)      Confrontation, I try to avoid confrontation at all costs, why would I want something living under my roof that almost by definition is going to be confrontational? 

6)      I’m tired.

7)      At a certain age they ask, “why” all the time.  The only answer I have to “Why?” is “Because” don’t believe me? Ask my wife.  I know it is annoying, I know it is not always an appropriate answer, but seriously it is usually the only answer I have.  Why? You ask? Because!

8)      Both my wife and I hate repeating ourselves, it is bad enough when we have to for each other because one or the other is mumbling while in a different room with our back turned while the television is blasting away and the washing machine is on. But to repeat ourselves because the little monster just doesn’t want to do what is being asked?  That would not bode well. 

9)    When they eat, they are rather messy.  For some reason people think it is cute to carry around a picture with the child’s face covered in food.  For me it is just disgusting.  

10)  While in a drug store my wife thought it would be funny to show me a snot-sucker.  I felt sick for a week.

The second event which brought me to write this post concerns a friend of ours.  They went to a pizza joint where they give the kids some pizza dough, and with that pizza dough the kids can make any shape they want and the restaurant then makes a pizza out of the child’s creation.  I was informed this is supposed to be a mushroom.  A mushroom was not my first guess.

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Oh Tannenbaum!

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on December 14, 2010| 5 Comments »

 My wife, who is non-Jewish decided that we should, for a change, get a real Christmas tree.  “Sure.” I responded as if I had a choice in the matter.  A few years ago we did spend a gazillion dollars and thirty-seven cents on a fake pre lit Christmas tree.  We spent a gazillion dollars and thirty-seven cents on the fake tree because they last forever, in theory we would never have to buy another tree again.

So off we went to Tannenbaum farms to get our first real live Christmas tree.   It turns out Tannenbaum farms is a pretty big deal.  Being a rather nice day the snow was melting creating a horrid mess of the ground. We were directed to a parking spot, my wife and I, (both in running shoes) parked the car in the mud, looked at each other, took a breath and the adventure began.

The scene was frightful, Children running around screaming, fathers grunting and mumbling under their breath while trying to negotiate the muddy rutted road with their freshly cut tree hanging off the rickety dolly, I was worried about the orange hack saws they wielded, were the hack saws for the trees, or the rest of the family?   Mothers were trying to coral their over excited children,  dogs were slopping around, I can only imagine our woolly coated husky covered head to toe in mud, although she would have enjoyed the chaos I am glad we decided not to bring her.

My next thought was, ‘now what?’  Everyone seemed to know where they were going and what they were doing, but to me it looked like a chaotic free-for-all.  My wife managed to find the little office and explained to the man who looked like he wanted to be anywhere else than where he was, (he was wearing a paper crown that his daughter had made for him) that we had no idea what we were doing.  “And you are asking me?” he replied.  He did do his best to put some order to the chaos.  He took us to the door and pointed towards the mud and told us that down near the road were some sample trees.  All you have to do is find one you like and ask one of the guys in overalls where that type of tree is located.  The overall guy will then direct you to the part of the forest where that type of tree is grown.  Then you get yourself one of those little saws and a rickety cart.  Cut down your tree and bring it back here where we will wrap it up for you.  All trees regardless of size were $35.00.  I had a horrific vision of walking for miles in the mud deciding on a tree then getting down on my knees with this little saw to cut down a five foot tree.  I really wanted my chain saw and I really didn’t want to crawl under the branches in this muck to get to the trunk and cut down a tree.  What I wanted was to go into my garage and get our gazillion dollar and thirty-seven cent pre-lit fake Christmas tree.  But it was far too late for that.

“Or” the man continued you can go over to that fence over there and choose one of our pre cut trees.  He explained that because they cut them they would be a little more expensive but they were all freshly cut that morning.  My wife and I glanced at each other, two souls one thought.  Expense be damned!  Show us to this wonderful magic fence!

At the fence there was another man, okay a man-child who asked us if we needed help. “Yes 5 foot, narrow yet full.”  He showed us a really beautiful tree but it was a little wide.  The next one was perfect.  He looked at the tag and told us it would be $55.00.  I didn’t care!  My wife went to pay for the tree while the nice man-child hefted the tree into the air and walked it to the office (no rickety little cart through the muddy rutted road for this Jew).  Behind the office were two large machines one was a box like thing that he stuck the base of the tree into when he flipped a switch the entire tree started to vibrate like mad.  All the loose debris came flying off the tree, along with any bugs, birds, rodents, hawks and a nest of children in a tree houses.  Nothing could survive that shaking.  Once my man-child was satisfied he took the tree and put it through this other machine which ‘folded’ for lack of a better word, the branches and contained them in twine turning my full tree into a large manageable toothpick.  He then offered to put the tree into our SUV.  While I desperately wanted him to lug the toothpick across the muddy road to the car, (all of 20 feet) I thought it would be best to keep a little dignity and handle it myself.   Twenty minutes after we got out of the car and $60.00 later (yes my wife wisely spent an extra five on a watering tube that has made life easier, did you know that a live Christmas tree drinks about a gallon a day?) we were heading home.

What we didn’t think about was the sap.  I got out my chainsaw and cut a ‘cookie’ off the bottom of the tree as directed by my wife who looked up ‘care and maintenance of a Christmas Tree’ online.  We hefted the tree placed it in the tree holder clamped it down so it was plum and cut the twine. Our beautiful tree unfolded to its former glory.  The aroma of pine enveloped our house, we sat back and admired our tree, yes we have 11 wooded acres, yes we planted three fir trees in our front yard but we have never had a live tree inside.  And even I, the Grinch of all things holiday (except Halloween) was very pleased with our tree. 

My hands were sticky.  My wife’s hands were sticky.  My wife went to wash hers.  Five minutes at the sink and panic started to set in.  My wife who doesn’t mind handling all sorts of unmentionable and gross stuff at her work, my wife who has a degree in meat science, my wife who has worked on a kill floor skinning and eviscerating carcasses doesn’t like sticky stuff that doesn’t come off, meaning…sap! 

“Brian!” I heard the panic in her voice. “It won’t come off, do something!”  I searched the cabinet and found Goo-gone.  Thankfully that worked and a full blown panic attack was narrowly avoided.  Hands all nice and clean and protected behind latex gloves the decorating of the already beautiful tree began.

Earlier, months earlier my wife said, “I want a real tree this year”.

“Okay” I said, as if I had a choice.

“What colour lights would you like on the tree?” She asked.

“Don’t care, I’m Jewish.”  I replied.

“I want you to be part of this so you have to choose, coloured lights or white lights?”

“White”

Long pause, a bit of laughter from us both.

As you can see the tree is not yet fully loaded, but you get the idea.

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Things that make me shudder inside

Posted in Lifes Observations, Small town life, State College, tagged , , , on December 13, 2010| 4 Comments »

This is akin to things that annoy me, only they really don’t annoy me, they just make me roll my eyes:

The term ‘Ink Pen’

Them: “May I borrow your ink pen?”

Me: “Sure would you like some pulp paper as well?”

The Phrase, ‘In my life’ as in:

Them :”Never in my life as I seen such a thing!”

Me: “Really have you seen it in somebody elses life?”

3-6 of  ‘Angry Birds’ 

Oh, I not only beat it, but I conquered it.  But it took way to long to accomplish something so utterly stupid.

Phrase, ‘It doesn’t take a rocket scientists’ 

Why do we even have rocket science?  It seems nothing takes rocket science.  I am beginning to wonder if rocket science actually takes rocket scientist.

Long Story Short:

unfortunately I am guilty of saying this as well.  But seriously if you are using the statement, ‘long story short’ your story is already 3 words too long.

I was recently reminded that you can’t have a light without a dark to stick it in.   So to keep things balanced the following is something I enjoy. 

Troy Craig is one of my favourite bloggers.  I would love to be able to write the way that he does.  I first learned of Troy while he was working as a DJ on a local radio program, ‘Qwik Rock’.  Now he has taken some time to go and teach English as a second language in Korea, but he keeps us informed on his wonderful blog.  Today the title of his latest post has quickly risen to the top of my favourite phrase list, Hurricane of Stupid.  

Troy, although I’ve never met him personally, fits in with my, small town life theme.  A friend of mine Kevin Nelson is a long time DJ (Kevin and Pat in the morning). who works for the same company that owned both ‘Kevin and Pat in the Morning’ and ‘Qwick Rock’.  The marketing Director where I work, used to be the marketer for Troy’s show and is also friends with both Troy and Kevin.  It really is a small town.

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So this is Chanukka

Posted in Being Jewish, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , on December 6, 2010| 6 Comments »

When I was in University a friend asked me if it was true that Jews created Chanukka because they were jealous of Christmas.  Yup, was my reply, 500(ish) years before the first Christmas we Jews knew that Christ was going to be born and the Christians, (who didn’t exist yet) were going to make a huge deal out of his birthday. Right there and then we decided that we were going to compete with that future holiday and have our own eight-day festival of light! We even created Chanukka Harry who would visit the kids and give them gifts of chocolate coins and the really good Jewish kids often got socks! To push it over the top we would play games with a dreidel.  Talk about raising the roof!

Living where I do I realize there is a lot of people who don’t really know the story of Chanukka.  Some of you may find this surprising, (others, not so much)  but I don’t know a lot about the holiday myself.  But, as a good Jew I have decided to take what little knowledge I have and fill you, my readers, with the story of Channuka…so put on your yarmulke.

Antiochus, (which rhymes with tuchas) IV Epiphanes, the King of Syria desecrated King Solomon’s temple.  Naturally this upset us Jews.  Truth be told Antituchas didn’t desecrate Solomon’s temple.  Antituchas desecrated the replacement temple built by Cyrus the Great.  Solomon’s temple was destroyed years earlier by the Babylonians but that story is for another time.  Cyrus did a great job and the Temple was dedicated in 515 BC. (see?  I know stuff). In modern times (20BC) Harod the Great renovated Cyrus’s via Solomon’s temple.  Word is the temple developed a nasty leak, in any case Harod did such a good job the temple became known as Harod’s temple.  I often never wonder what King Solomon thought about all the transformations, but alas, we have wandered off topic.

Where were we? Oh yes.  Antituchas desecrated Cryus’s temple which seriously pissed off the Maccabees.  Everyone knows you don’t piss of a Maccabee, after all they were a fearsome rebel army who took back and ruled Judea.  They founded the Hasmonean Dynasty, reasserting the Jewish religion and ruled from 164 to 63BC. 

Sorry I keep getting side-tracked.

So, Channuka is the rededication of this ‘second’ temple, the problem is that the Maccabees ran out of Olive oil.  Their wives must have been very upset.  I know my wife gets upset with me when I use the last of the evoo (extra virgin olive oil for you non-followers of Rachel Ray) and don’t let her know.  And I can only imagine how upset Rachel Ray gets.  Oy Vey!

I’m thinking the grocery stores didn’t have any evoo on hand because this shortage created more problems than one would think possible.   However all was not lost because we are, ‘The Chosen People’ and although there was only enough olive oil to keep the eternal flame alight for one night a miracle transpired and the oil burned for eight, yes count them eight days!  As it happens, eight days is the exact time that was needed to consecrate more oil!  And that my friends was how the festival of light began. 

Personally I like to take a moment or two each Chanukka to remember what it means to be a Jew.  You see there is another story linked to Chanukka.  The story of Hannah and her seven sons.  Hannah was a serious Jew, not Jew-ish like me.  It is because of people like Hannah and her sons that make the Jews the sturdy proud people that they/we are:

Shortly before the revolt of the Maccabees,  Antituchas arrested Hannah and her seven sons and tried to make them eat pork.  Being good Jews and putting their faith in the Lord they refused to eat the pork.  Jews don’t eat Pork, not even bacon!  Hannah watched as her sons were brutally tortured and eventually killed all because they took a stand to protect their beliefs.  They refused to give up all that they were just because another wanted them too.  It is for them that I put on my yarmulke.

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