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Posts Tagged ‘children’

Two recent events brought me to the writing of this post.  The first was that somebody asked me if I had any children.  For the last year or so I have responded to that question by saying, “Well, we did have a boy but he was allergic to the dog so we had to adopt him out.”  I really enjoy it when the response is a look of horror, in which case I add, “Well we had the dog first!”

As to why we don’t have children? There are a multitude of reasons and be aware I have gathered the following information from years of observation and the list is in no particular order:

1)      I am cheap, kids are expensive.

2)      They really don’t make good listeners

3)      They make noise, sometimes they make a lot of noise

4)      Poop, pee, puke, yes the three P’s.  I’m not fond of cleaning up after myself why would I commit to years of cleaning somebody else’s.

5)      Confrontation, I try to avoid confrontation at all costs, why would I want something living under my roof that almost by definition is going to be confrontational? 

6)      I’m tired.

7)      At a certain age they ask, “why” all the time.  The only answer I have to “Why?” is “Because” don’t believe me? Ask my wife.  I know it is annoying, I know it is not always an appropriate answer, but seriously it is usually the only answer I have.  Why? You ask? Because!

8)      Both my wife and I hate repeating ourselves, it is bad enough when we have to for each other because one or the other is mumbling while in a different room with our back turned while the television is blasting away and the washing machine is on. But to repeat ourselves because the little monster just doesn’t want to do what is being asked?  That would not bode well. 

9)    When they eat, they are rather messy.  For some reason people think it is cute to carry around a picture with the child’s face covered in food.  For me it is just disgusting.  

10)  While in a drug store my wife thought it would be funny to show me a snot-sucker.  I felt sick for a week.

The second event which brought me to write this post concerns a friend of ours.  They went to a pizza joint where they give the kids some pizza dough, and with that pizza dough the kids can make any shape they want and the restaurant then makes a pizza out of the child’s creation.  I was informed this is supposed to be a mushroom.  A mushroom was not my first guess.

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A few weeks ago we were sitting down at Denny’s to eat with the usual Tuesday night crew. I ordered a chopped steak, smothered in mushrooms, cheese and onions. When my new-found friend Airplane, (I call him Airplane because every time I see him not only is he holding an airplane, he can tell me the make and model, and if pressed, probably the maximum air speed and altitude as well) turns to me and says, “What in blue blazes is that?” I almost choked on my mouthful of food. Really, it was the last thing I expected from a four-year old.

I guess I’m pretty impressionable and children should watch their language around me because now I try to work the phrase ‘blue blazes’ into almost every conversation. To make matters worse we recently saw ‘Clash of the Titans’ so on top of ‘blue blazes’ I also manage to work in ‘Release the Kraken!” What makes things even more interesting, (in my mind anyway) is that my favourite word is Australopithecus.

“What in blue blazes… is that an Australopithecus? Release the Kraken!”

Am I the only one who finds this entertaining. I bet when Airplane starts to read more he would get a kick out of it. In the mean time the rest of you can help out a great charity. Thanks to those who have helped support the cause.

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