Two recent events brought me to the writing of this post. The first was that somebody asked me if I had any children. For the last year or so I have responded to that question by saying, “Well, we did have a boy but he was allergic to the dog so we had to adopt him out.” I really enjoy it when the response is a look of horror, in which case I add, “Well we had the dog first!”
As to why we don’t have children? There are a multitude of reasons and be aware I have gathered the following information from years of observation and the list is in no particular order:
1) I am cheap, kids are expensive.
2) They really don’t make good listeners
3) They make noise, sometimes they make a lot of noise
4) Poop, pee, puke, yes the three P’s. I’m not fond of cleaning up after myself why would I commit to years of cleaning somebody else’s.
5) Confrontation, I try to avoid confrontation at all costs, why would I want something living under my roof that almost by definition is going to be confrontational?
6) I’m tired.
7) At a certain age they ask, “why” all the time. The only answer I have to “Why?” is “Because” don’t believe me? Ask my wife. I know it is annoying, I know it is not always an appropriate answer, but seriously it is usually the only answer I have. Why? You ask? Because!
8) Both my wife and I hate repeating ourselves, it is bad enough when we have to for each other because one or the other is mumbling while in a different room with our back turned while the television is blasting away and the washing machine is on. But to repeat ourselves because the little monster just doesn’t want to do what is being asked? That would not bode well.
9) When they eat, they are rather messy. For some reason people think it is cute to carry around a picture with the child’s face covered in food. For me it is just disgusting.
10) While in a drug store my wife thought it would be funny to show me a snot-sucker. I felt sick for a week.
The second event which brought me to write this post concerns a friend of ours. They went to a pizza joint where they give the kids some pizza dough, and with that pizza dough the kids can make any shape they want and the restaurant then makes a pizza out of the child’s creation. I was informed this is supposed to be a mushroom. A mushroom was not my first guess.
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