Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

Love An Honest Innocent Answer

Posted in humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on June 29, 2010| 1 Comment »

This past weekend my folks, one sister and my four-year old nephew were visiting from Canada.  It was also our 9th wedding anniversary, so we decided to have a little BBQ at our house, in all there were about 25 people and I think it is safe to say we all had a good time.  I lit a fire in the fire ring so we could make smores, the boy, (my nephew) was very interested in this process and pulled up a chair close to the fire,  he was making it quite clear in all his wiggling that he wasn’t overly comfortable. A co-worker/friend and I were standing off to the side where we overheard the following conversation between my sister, and her son. (who she calls in her blog, ‘the boy’)

My sister: walking up to my wiggling nephew and taking the seat beside him, “Boy are you okay?” 

Boy: “Yes”

“Boy you are wiggling around and can’t keep still, what is wrong?”

“My underpants are sticky”

His underpants were sticky because it was hot, and he was wearing long pants rather than shorts to protect him from mosquito bites. My friend went hysterical, he loved the honesty and simplicity of the answer.  Although we work together and see each other just about every day he clearly hasn’t been paying attention.  For my family such an answer is typical, even so I have to admit there was a poetic beauty about it, especially coming from a four-year old. 

Yesterday I was sitting in my office at work, my co-worker was in the other room helping out one of the technicians.  I always keep an ear open just in case there is something I need to deal with.  I heard the following conversation:

Technician: “Hey, what’s up?”

Co-worker: “My underpants are sticky!”

I almost died laughing.

Read Full Post »

Three Chairs or Four

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , on June 27, 2010| Leave a Comment »

Whizzing down the highway at 65 miles an hour, (okay 72 miles an hour) I noticed a lawn chair sitting on the shoulder of the road.  How did it get there?  I cannot help but think there is some guy at home putting the new lawn set together and thinking; WTF? “Honey, didn’t this lawn set come with four chairs?”

Read Full Post »

Language

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , on June 22, 2010| 7 Comments »

Gallagher has a great routine about the english language. English is hard, odd, inconsistent and there are so many ways to speak, write and even hear it.  Me?  I like the literal approach, perhaps it is because I’m dyslexic so I started off at odds with the language. Perhaps I’m just odd. 

I don’t really take things literally, I just like to act as though I do, and most people understand this about me,  although I’m sure I can be frustrating, but then, isn’t everybody?   As I’ve said before in these blogs, my wife often accuses me of having my ‘Mr. Literal cape’ on to tight.  But I like my literal cape, it makes me happy, it amuses me. 

So I’m working on some paper work while my co-worker is eating lunch and watching some police type show over the internet.  Some woman is holding up a corner  store.  A guy on the street looks in the window, sees what is going on and calls 911.  The cops arrive and the following conversation ensues between the two parties:

 Guy on the street: “Over there! That store, I started to walk in and a woman was holding a gun on the shopkeeper and there are some other people in the store and she kept telling them, don’t make me shoot!”

 Police officer: “Sir, are you the one that called 911?”

Guy:  “Yes”

Cops: “How did she sound?”

Guy: “Really nervous and she was shaking badly.”

 Perhaps it is just me, but I would have answered the ‘how did she sound’ question by saying, “She sounded confident, obviously knows her job, very professional, she kept me on the line while she called you guys and kept me informed about how long you would be.  She did an excellent… oh, you mean how did the holdup woman sound?”

It just so happens that during one of the re-writes for this blog I used the word ‘aspect’ and I suddenly realized from whom I learned to play with words.  My Dad!  In elementary school a teacher gave us a list of words which we had to use in a sentence, (I’m sure most teachers have done this).  I took my list home and was struggling over the word ‘aspect’ my wonderfully helpful father suggested, “If you sit on an eagle’s nest you get your aspect!”.

Read Full Post »

Sixtieth Post

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , on June 6, 2010| 11 Comments »

Sixtieth post and what have I learned?

  1. Positive might be better than negative, but negative is funnier than positive.
  2. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Meaning, you can write whatever you want, however you want, but people are going to take away from it what they want, and interestingly enough, that’s a good thing.
  3. Ten posts ago I could not think of anything to write about.  There was a period of posts where writing was like pulling teeth, I was  pretty sure I was done.  Now I feel like I can write forever.
  4. Forever isn’t all that long.
  5. When I get an idea I have to write it down, too many ideas are lost because I’m too lazy to make a simple note. (although I’m still not writing down ideas)
  6. Sometimes my posts are technically difficult to write, other times they are emotionally difficult to write. I’m not sure which I prefer, but I prefer either one of those to the posts that are both easy and un-emotional.
  7. I don’t like the prep or the cleanup, the actual task is never all that bad.
  8. I pay way to much attention to my stats here on WordPress.
  9. HGTV is great, but it is never as easy as they make it seem.
  10. No matter how tired my wife is, if the right song comes on the radio, such as ‘Play That Funky Music’ she can paint, wiggle and sing at the same time (at least for the duration of the song).

Read Full Post »

Amusment Parks

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , on May 19, 2010| 5 Comments »

Growing up we went to amusement parks I never really enjoyed them.  I didn’t hate them I just don’t like the rides, the noise or the crowds. I distinctly remember my father once saying that out of the four of us children I was the cheapest to take to an amusement park.  All I need is a park bench a greasy slice of pizza and I’m happy. 

Many, (way too many) moons ago the family went to Knott’s Berry Farm in California. I remember two things very distinctly, 1) there were no cows.  What kind of farm has no cows?  Not a very good farm, that’s what kind of farm.  The other thing I remember is the flume.  I hate sudden drops, I don’t like get splashed and I’m not a freak for speed.  Why on earth would I go on a flume?  I get the distinct impression that the choice was not entirely mine.  The memories of being in the log, moving slowly up the tall hill are very vivid.  I remember knowing that we were soon going to be going down…very quickly.  I remember, off to the side just as we were about to crest over the top there was a stop sign.  I don’t know why it was there, but if you ask me stopping would have been a lovely idea but did we?  Nooooo.  Just beyond the stop sign there was a little booth, inside the booth was a lady sitting at some sort of controls.  I remember wanting to get off the ride and I remember they wouldn’t let me.  In fact the lady just waved as we plummeted to my death.  Okay maybe I didn’t die, but the possibility certainly existed.

I have quite a few such memories as we went to many parks,  but nothing compares to the cars at LaRonde, an amusement park in Montreal.  I’m talking about the little kid racing cars, and I was indeed a little kid and my little car was broken!  I know there are some people who will insist that it wasn’t broken but ask those people the following questions;  were they in the car?  Do they know anything about kid racing cars in amusement parks?  The answer to both is ‘no’.  Therefore the only person qualified to know if the car was broken is me because I was the only one in the car and I was the one driving the car.  The car only went to the right and it went in that direction until it wound up against the curb and could no longer move.  The guy in charge of the little cars tried to make it right by turning the steering wheel and pointing the car back on the track.  However the minute I hit the gas pedal the car would turn and end up nose first against the curb.  Why did do this?  Because it was broken.

When I was a little older I wound up on Space Mountain in Disney World, I knew it couldn’t go that high (as it is indoors) so there was no big drop involved, but I was worried about it going upside down. Just before we got on the ride and we could still change our minds my mother asked the attendant if the ride goes upside down.  He promised that we would not go upside down.  So we got in, the safety bar came down over our laps, the car had just started to move when the attendant called out to us.  “But it does go underwater” F’ing asshole.

It is not always the thrill rides.  There was the time, also at LaRonde, with my big sister and my friend Richard. Rich and I were hopelessly lost in the maze of glass.  The walls were all glass so you keep walking into the stupid walls not knowing where the real openings were.  Rich saw my sister on the outside and she decided to take pity on Richard and direct him through the maze.  She wiggled her finger indicating that he should walk forward.  Suddenly there was a loud bang and the entire building shook Richard, not knowing how devious my family can be trusted my sister completely and walked straight and hard into the glass wall.  Better him then me, but I’m smart enough not to put that kind of faith in family.  To this day I’m not sure how Rich escaped without a broken nose.

Then there was the runaway train.  I was terrified the entire time, holding my breath waiting for the sudden drop.  Then I saw the station coming up, the train slowed down to a stop.  I breathed a sigh of relief as the attendants stepped forward.  But it was a ruse, we had been tricked.  It really wasn’t the station, it was a mock station.  Suddenly the attendants were laughing as they stepped back, the train started moving faster, then the screaming as were suddenly  plunging straight down into the endless darkness. F’ing assholes.

After reading this one question stands out.  Why do I put myself in these situations?

Read Full Post »

Something about Apples and Trees

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , on May 4, 2010| 2 Comments »

for this post to make sense, you may want to read this one first.

My wife was in the kitchen, her back to the TV I was in the living room and I happened to see the commercial for the new Robin Hood movie.  The first thing I noticed is that Robin Hood is being played by an Australian.  I suppose that could be accurate, after all Robin Hood was a thief and Australia was a penal colony.

But what prompted this post was the conversation that followed the comercial of which my wife had not seen:

Me: “Hey it looks like that guy is going to play Friar Tuck”

Wife: “What in blue blazes are you talking about?”

Me: “You know that guy from the comedy”

Wife: (The Look)

Me: “You know that new movie, I think Friar Tuck is going to be played by that guy in the comedy we liked”

Wife: “You mean Still Standing?, and he was in A Knights Tale?”

Me: “Yes”.

Oh my God!

Read Full Post »

Blue Blazes

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on April 6, 2010| 1 Comment »

A few weeks ago we were sitting down at Denny’s to eat with the usual Tuesday night crew. I ordered a chopped steak, smothered in mushrooms, cheese and onions. When my new-found friend Airplane, (I call him Airplane because every time I see him not only is he holding an airplane, he can tell me the make and model, and if pressed, probably the maximum air speed and altitude as well) turns to me and says, “What in blue blazes is that?” I almost choked on my mouthful of food. Really, it was the last thing I expected from a four-year old.

I guess I’m pretty impressionable and children should watch their language around me because now I try to work the phrase ‘blue blazes’ into almost every conversation. To make matters worse we recently saw ‘Clash of the Titans’ so on top of ‘blue blazes’ I also manage to work in ‘Release the Kraken!” What makes things even more interesting, (in my mind anyway) is that my favourite word is Australopithecus.

“What in blue blazes… is that an Australopithecus? Release the Kraken!”

Am I the only one who finds this entertaining. I bet when Airplane starts to read more he would get a kick out of it. In the mean time the rest of you can help out a great charity. Thanks to those who have helped support the cause.

Read Full Post »

Decorating, Day Two

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , on March 30, 2010| 9 Comments »

 We are still working on the bedroom remodel, (yes it is going to be a long drawn out process). We  removed some more molding pulled out the TV and TV cabinet, and no it’s not one of those sleek little flat screens,  oh no my friends it is one of those really heavy monster TV’s that is the exact opposite of flat so it has the bonus of being bulky as well as heavy. 

We removed the baseboards and cut a whole in the back of the cabinet to accommodate the socket in the wall and put up the wall paper like stuff to cover the paneling.  Now the wall looks great the TV cabinet sits further back into the corner and flush against the wall so it takes up a little less room and looks fantastic.

Still my wife and I worked as a team with no issues between us. Wait, there was one small issue.  The wallpaper is pre-glued but the glue has to be activated, so you cut a length you want, (in our case 7 ft long and the paper is 18 inches in width) and then run the paper through a trough of water, each part must be in the water for a good 15 seconds.  There are probably a variety of ways to execute this particular task but we have decided the, ‘Aching arms, sore back stretched out ham strings’ method works best for us. 

Allow me to explain, the trough is 18.5 inches long 3 inches in width and 4 inches deep.  So you can only wet 3 inches of wall paper at a time.  We have a bath sized walk in shower so the trough goes on the floor in the shower, my wife gets on one side and holds (at this point the bulk of the wallpaper) I’m on the other side of the trough bent in half placing the leading edge into the trough and we count 1 one thousand, thousand, 2 one thousand, thousand all the way up to 15 one thousand, thousand.  We found if you rush this step your stick ability to the wall is less than great.  Then I pull up the leading edge 3 inches and my wife hunches down in half and holds the next three inches in the trough and begins the count, then I raise the leading edge another three inches and so on for 7 foot length.  It is a slow process and halfway through my arms are getting tired because holding up wet wallpaper is not as easy as it may sound and 15 seconds multiplied by 7 feet is longer then you might expect. It is hard to ignore the pain in the back and thighs that creeps in as you remain in a bent position for an extended length of time.  

So, we are in position and everything is running smooth, we have about 5 feet of the paper good and wet and then it happens, my lovely wife who is still crouched over manages to head-butt the end of the paper I am holding up.  Did I mention that because you don’t want to ‘loose’ the glue you go through the process with the glue side face up in the water, which means that the non glue side is facing me and the glue side is, well you guessed it, facing my wife who now has glue hair.  Okay it may be that my arms were getting tired and I may have allowed a little slack in the paper and it could be the paper met the top of my wife’s head as she was leaning forward just a little. 

The best part is we were able to laugh.

We were able to laugh even though the future of my job is questionable.  We were able to laugh even though this is my wife’s busy season at work and they are understaffed and under a lot of strain.  We were able to laugh even though our room is in total upheaval. We were able to laugh even though this remodel is going to be a long drawn out process. We were able to laugh even though we have a few pets having some medical issues.

We are able to laugh, and there is nobody who I’d rather be laughing with.

Read Full Post »

Too Fast

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on March 23, 2010| 5 Comments »

I was in Barnes and Noble where they are heavily advertising ‘The Nook” which if you don’t know is an electronic book. 

I was passing the information desk when I happened to hear the following conversation between Grandmother and Grandaughter (10 or 11 yrs old)

Grandaughter: “What is a nook?”

Grandmother: “Its a quiet little place where you can go to read”

I love technology and we will be getting a Nook but I really identified with Grandma.

Read Full Post »

Vacation

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on March 14, 2010| 14 Comments »

Sequoia the Beautiful

Sequoia at Christmas

My friend Brahm will tell you that he has the best dog.  I’d agree with him, but then we would both be wrong.

The truth of the matter is my wife and I have the best and most beautiful dog in the world we know this because A) Sequoia lives with us, so we know. B) People are always stopping us and telling us how beautiful she is. C) At the Grand Canyon she was a bigger draw then the canyon itself.

I don’t have a fear of heights, I can climb a ladder, I climb several every day at work, but I’m not fond of heights there is something especially nerve-wracking about standing on the edge of a cliff.  I knew I suffered from vertigo but I didn’t realize how badly until we stopped at the Grand Canyon.   I asked my wife to hold Sequoia while I went to take the perfect picture.  Once at the ledge I knew I wasn’t getting a picture, it is really hard to hold the camera when you have a white knuckle grip on the safety railing.  My saving grace was the really big guy beside me that was having the same issue.  Together we were able to nudge people out of the way as we moved slowly along the rail until we were safely off the overhang. 

It was the Grand Canyon and vertigo be damned I was getting my picture. My new plan of attack was to let my wife stand on the overhang with Sequoia and I would take a picture of them with the canyon in the background. When I finally located my wife I realized I just wasn’t going to get a picture.  There was my wife (who is claustrophobic and does not like crowds) standing at the edge of the world-famous Grand Canyon, the throng of people around her was not looking at the Canyon, they were all looking at Sequoia.  My poor wife couldn’t even enjoy the view due to all the people who wanted to ask about Sequoia, pet Sequoia and take pictures of Sequoia.  Even the park ranger who was trying to move people off the edge due to the approaching storm stopped to admire Sequoia.

The Grand Canyon, as I’m sure you know happens to be a large tourist gathering place where lots of different languages are spoken.  However, there is the international language of sign.  For example did you know that if somebody comes up to you and bends slightly at the knees, leans forward, hunches over while stretching out their hands and wiggling their fingers towards the floor means, “May I please pet your dog?”  Also when they bring their hand up to their face and bend their index finger at the knuckle several times while pointing at your dog  with the other hand means, “May I take a picture of your dog please?”  additionally, if when doing this they thrust their child at the dog it means, “May I take a picture of your dog with my child please?” What kills me is that I know these people are then going back to whatever country they came from and showing their friends the picture they took of their kid with Maya the dog from Eight Below.  And no, I have never seen the movie.

In short, because of the impending storm, claustrophobia, vertigo and throngs of people more interested in Sequoia then the canyon my wife and I will have to plan another trip to the Canyon so we can actually take in the views.

I’ve never met Alfred, (Brahm’s dog) but I’m betting he also is one heck of a dog!

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »