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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

Nope, Not Going To Do It!

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , on October 17, 2011| 2 Comments »

 

I am not a fan of the ‘bucket list’ the movie was not horrible, but the idea of writing down a list of all the stuff you wish to do? I don’t know, to me that sounds like a recipe for disaster, at the very least, as time goes by it becomes a list of regrets.

I think a more satisfying list would be the ‘I’m Not Going To Do It’  list. Such a list would be more achievable then a bucket list. So after lots of time and thought I have started a list:

Not going bungee jumping.  I am not going to die hanging upside down by my ankles because I jumped off a bridge secured by a rubber band.

 Not going parachuting. The only way I am jumping out of a plane is if the plane is going down in flames. And you know? Planes don’t have parachutes so, not going to do it.

 Not going to eat the seaweed salad at the Chinese buffet. That stuff just looks nasty. I’ve never seen anyone eat it, not sure why it is even there.

 Never going to appear on a television show such as ‘Survivor’.  Because that would just be silly

Never going to my high school reunion. I fought hard and long to get out of that place, why on earth would anyone think I want to go back? 

Never going to vote for anyone named Barrack Obama or George Bush.  Lets face it George put the hole in the boat and Barrack doesn’t have a clue on how to fix it.

Never going to go into outerspace.  Actually I will go if the ship is anything like the Star Ship Enterprise.  If I have to be strapped down and pee into a vacuum cleaner hose, it is never going to happen.

Never going to be one of those people who win 5 million dollars in the lottery and then proclaim, “yeah, I like my job I am going to keep working!”  If you are one of those people, please stop playing the lottery.  You have clearly missed the point.

Ain’t never going to be no ‘Hillbilly handfisher’.  I watched five minutes of it on the TV and that was enough, thank you very much.

Never going to appear on the TV show ‘Wipeout’.  While I love watching the show, those people are just retarded morons.

Never going to be a clown or a mime.  Isn’t being a magician nerdy enough?

Well I think eleven items on my ‘Never Going To Do It’ list is a pretty good start.  How about you?  Anything you are not going to do?

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Offensive? All in Context

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , on October 12, 2011| 8 Comments »

The other day I was in the bathroom at work and I noticed a strobe light attached to the fire alarm.  I had to laugh.  First off, if the alarm goes off and I’m in the middle of…’delivering the mail’ the fire is simply going to have to wait, it is that simple.  Secondly if there is a fire do you really want a strobe light going off?   I think that would be a little distracting.  Imagine if you will, flames a leaping, smoke billowing, fire alarms screaming in your ear, you drop to the ground looking for a way out, but now not only are you hot and choking and in fear for your life, you have no idea where you are going because the strobe light is assaulting your senses.  How does that make sense?

Speaking of assault on ones senses I am seeking words that people believe are degrading but in truth they are not.  Admittedly there are a handful of words that are actually degrading, however most of the time it is all in the context in which one is speaking.  I’ve been thinking about this for sometime because not overly long ago a friend of mine posted on Facebook on how we should not use the word ‘retarded’ because it is degrading.   I took offence to this.  Retarded simply means that there is a developmental delay.  The diagnosis for mental retardation is when ones IQ is below 70.  Wikipedia does classify the word ‘retard’ as offensive of course anybody can put just about anything in good ole’ Wiki and others will swear it is the gospel.  I often call some of my best friends ‘retarded’ when they do something that isn’t always the brightest thing in the world to do, many times I don’t even have to tell them because two minutes after they do what they did they will often proclaim, ‘oh man! I’m such a retard’.  Now yes that can be seen as degrading but it is also meant with love and affection and it is in context.  No friend of mine would ever go up to a person who actually has such issues and call them a ‘retard’ because that is offensive.  So hate me or think me insensitive if you will, but retarded stays in my vocabulary.  It is up to you to be smart enough to put the word into the context in which it is meant.

The word ‘ignorant’ is another good example.  My loyal followers have heard this from me before.  Ignorant only means lacking knowledge.  Ignorant does not mean ‘rude’.  Somebody who offends you is not necessarily ignorant.  More than likely, they are offensive.  Somebody who is rude is not necessarily ignorant, they are probably just rude.  You know who is ignorant? The people who repeatedly use the word, ‘ignorant’ in describing somebody who is rude, even after I’ve explained to them what ignorant means, those people are ignorant or possibly just stupid.   

Bastard, I do enjoy the word ‘bastard’ I’m not sure why I don’t often use it in reference to people.  Really I don’t care if your parents were not married when they had you.  Heck I don’t even care if you were a test tube baby. Usually I use it in reference to objects such as computers of course computers are usually rat bastards.  I don’t think rats can even be bastards since marriage is an exclusively human concept, but the words go together well.

Stringing all these words together as in, listen here you ignorant rat bastard retard…’ that I can see as offensive, in just about any context.

Of course you could soften the blow with the placement of the word ‘honey’ let us try it shall we?  Listen here honey you are an ignorant retarded rat bastard!    Yeah that makes it so much better.  It is all about context.  Of course just about any sentence that starts with, ‘listen here honey…’ is not going to end well.

I also like the word ‘moron’ unfortunately moron is offensive. The definition of moron is that which describes somebody with mild retardation.  It is odd that the word is offensive but the definition is not.  Offensive or not, I’m sticking with moron. 

I think that ends this post. Uh Oh, listen up honey I think some moronic, rat bastard, ignorant retard set off the fire alarm.

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My Key Is Down There!

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , on September 25, 2011| 7 Comments »

Last Thursday night I really had trouble going to sleep. Every time I would get even close to a light doze our hooligan cats would start running around, jumping off of furniture hissing and snarling at each other. It was one of those rare occasions where I could not wait for morning to arrive.

Finally it was time to get up, my wife got up to take her shower after a moment I heard some sort of muted scream, seconds later she crawled back into bed. She looked at me and said, “I can’t deal with it, you have too.” With great trepidation and sinking heart I headed into the bathroom and found nothing out of the ordinary. I pulled back the shower curtain, evidently at some point during the night a full blown slaughter had taken place. The first thing I noticed was the mouse butt and back feet, the front of the mouse was missing. Over in the corner I found part of the head, under the shower seat there was another chunk, amongst the cat puke I noticed some other mouse parts.

I did manage to clean up the mess without puking, but I came awfully close, I did spend the next 2 hours in deep focused concentration reciting the mantra in my head, ‘do not throw up, do not throw up,’ For the next day and a half every time thought about the mouse parts I had to concentrate on not throwing up. Even now three days later I still feel a little nauseous in this retelling of the tale.

This is our prime suspect.

Saturday night we decided to pick up some pizza. We took the dog and as usual she jumped into the back of our SUV I leaned in the side door and secured her into the back. We do this so she does not become a projectile should we get into some sort of accident. Everything looking good I jumped behind the wheel and backed out of the garage. CRRUUNNCH! My wife and I look at each other, WTF?

Neither my wife nor I closed the back of the car. When the back hatch is up it won’t clear the lip of the garage door. While the hatch was bent out of shape, we could open and close it but the door simply would not stay shut. It took us half an hour to figure out how to secure the bloody door so we could still drive the car. The inside of the door is smooth as is the outside, no holes, no latches nothing to secure a rope too. Eventually we were able to pry the back panel up just enough to spot a hole on either side of the door, I fit a bungee cord into each hole and I hooked the other end onto the mounts for the child safety seat. Worked like a charm. Now of course we have the bother of sorting things out with the insurance company and having the door either replaced or fixed. Not sure if they can fix it, and they are no longer making Saturn’s so it should be interesting.

This evening we had some errands that we had to run. Once again I made sure the back of the car wouldn’t spring open and off we went. Upon arrival back home I unlocked the front door, and as I was pulling my key out of the lock the key somehow slipped off the key ring and fell through the less than the quarter inch gap in the boards of our deck.

My key is down there.

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Is Technology Moving Too Fast?

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , on July 19, 2011| 2 Comments »

There is a term in the Air Force known as the bio-line.  Psychologists started looking hard at this bio-line back in the 80’s. Basically flying a plane uses the left half of the brain, all the additional (military in this case) information is processed through the right brain.  During certain situations pilots were passing out in the cockpit during simulations.  If a pilot of a fighter jet passes out or becomes unresponsive the jet levels out.  Which is a bad thing because then the enemy can lock onto its target.  They figured out that there was so much information that the right brain was starting to encroach on the duties of the left brain which over stimulated the pilot who would then black out.  Oddly this only happened in simulations.  Only when the pilots were able to answer question anonymously did the truth come out.  When in flight pilots instinctively knew that they were being overwhelmed and would turn off all ‘non essential’ equipment and would fly into battle using their wits more than anything.  I understand that thankfully for the most part this issue has been resolved. But it does go to show that sometimes technology can be too much.

There is a large cable company that deals with cutting edge equipment in the communications field.  There is a constant stream of new products hitting the market and ending up in our homes.  The problem is the future really is now.  This stuff is coming out so fast and furious it even leaves the installers confused at times.  Not all that long ago a TV had two ports, one for the plug so that it plugs into the wall and another for the cable that went from the wall to the back of the TV.  Then came the cable box which was still pretty simple, cable goes from the wall, to the cable box, and from the cable box to the TV.  Now there are a multitude of cable boxes, just for standard digital TV itself, not that pesky analogue stuff of 8 years ago.  We also have a multitude of HD boxes and let’s not forget about HDDVR’s. There are boxes that have HDMI cords, others have component cables.  There are host boxes where you can have one DVR and watch that DVR from the ‘slave’ boxes which can be in other rooms in the house.  Some cable boxes are the size of two decks of cards, others are as large as an old record player, (remember record players?).  Basically there is a lot of equipment that technicians have to deal with.

The following conversation took place between a technician which installs this type of equipment and a co-worker who works behind the scenes with the different types of equipment.  In no way is this conversation a reflection on either of the two parties, it is however, a reflection on how fast things are changing in the field.

Technician: “I’m bringing these cable boxes back to you because the DVR portion of the box is either shut off or broken”

Co-worker:  “The cable box in your hand?  That’s the one that you are having DVR problems with?”

Tech: “Yes, and I have three more that I tried and they are all having the same problem.”

Co-worker: “Well the problem is that this particular box is not a DVR it is a straight HD box.”

Tech: “No it is an HD DVR combo box”

Co-Worker: “No I’m telling you this is a straight HD box.  There is another box that looks just like this one which is an HD DVR, but this particular box is HD only.”

Technician flips over the back exposing the bottom of the box and points at the cooling fan. “See there is the fan so it is a DVR.”

Co-Worker: “Cooling fan or not this is an HD box. I can tell because this one says DCH3200 and I know that the DCH3200 is an HD box.  The DCH3416 which looks exactly like a DCH3200 except that it says DCH3416 is the DVR.  The other way I can tell you is if you look inside the box, between the air vents you can see there is no hard drive.  If there is no hard drive it cannot record and if you can’t record it is not a DVR”

At this point another technician enters the conversation.  “You can tell by weight” he says, “This box is light in comparison to a DVR and that is because the hard drive is heavy, no question this is an HD box.”

Original technician realizes his mistake and is starting to chuckle.  “Okay” he says, “It’s an HD box but I don’t like it anymore, can I still give it back and get some DVR’s?”

Co-Worker goes and gets the tech some DVR’s which are completely different, different colour, different dimensions, different look figuring it would be easier for the tech to spot the difference amongst all the other pieces of equipment on the truck.

Tech: “This is an HD DVR?”

Co-worker: “Yes”

Tech: “How do you know for sure?”

“Because it says right on the front DCX3400”

“Wouldn’t it be easier if it said DCX3400 DVR”

“Yes, yes it would.  But then we wouldn’t get to talk nearly as much.”

“Well there is that.”

“Plus this box is a little heavier, it does have a cooling fan, and if you hold it at an angle and look through the grating you can see the hard drive”

“I’m getting to old for this.”

“I hear you brother, but now we have the difficult task of finding the correct power cord that powers this puppy!”

Technician looks like he wants to cry as they wander over to the 5 shelves of power cords

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It Will be Okay

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on May 26, 2011| 4 Comments »

Don't Worry, It will be okay!

Currently there are three Snapple bottles sitting on my desk.  Two empty one almost full.   For those of you who don’t know Snapple puts ‘interesting’ facts on the underside of the lid.  My three caps read:

Fact #912 Meteorologists claim they’re right 85% of the time. Personally I’d like to see some independent study in order to back of the claim. 

Fact #905 The side of a hammer is called a cheek.  Good to know, however in the odd time (probably never) I need to refer to the side of a hammer I’ll probably just avoid the confusion and call it, ‘The side of a hammer’.

Fact #879 Most Koala bears sleep about 22 hours a day.  Just one more reason to love, idolize and emulate Koala bears.

In other strange news the ‘weird news’ section of the CDT or Centre Daily Times ran a story from the associated press about a Dairy Princess who is lactose intolerant.   I too am lactose intolerant, which is probably a benefit of suffering from Crohn’s disease.  All I have to say is Go Princess!  And when the time comes, I hope to be at her inauguration when she becomes Queen.   I wonder if she will marry a vegan who has to eat meat.

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A Conversation

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , on May 23, 2011| 10 Comments »

My folks usually come to visit during the summer with my sister and nephew in tow.   The other day I get an email informing me they will be visiting on the 24th and could I get a room for them at a hotel.  I’m assuming that since the 24th is a Friday they will be spending the weekend, meaning they would need a room for the 24th, 25th and 26th.   But I have found it is always good to get confirmation.  So I called home and had the following conversation. 

Me: So, you are coming up on the 24th.

Mom:  Yes

Me:  So you need a hotel for what dates exactly?

Mom:  We will be leaving on Monday.

                This is where the conversation took a turn.  Normally I would assume that would mean they are leaving State College on the Monday.  But it could also mean they are leaving Montreal on Monday.

Me:  Are you telling me you are leaving from Montreal on Monday and getting here on Friday? Or, are you telling me you are leaving State College on Monday for Montreal?

Mom: We are not making our usual stops this time we are only coming out to see you.

Me: Okay, what dates do you want me to reserve a room for?

Mom: Monday is St. Jean Baptist day which is a holiday in Quebec so we have an extra day.

Me:  Pulling my hair out in fist full’s why does this have to be so hard?

Mom:  It is not so hard.

Me: Okay then what days do I need to reserve a hotel room for.

Mom: It usually takes us a few days to get there, but since we are not stopping anywhere else it will only take us two days, but we may try to make it in one.

                I try another tactic:

Me:  Are you staying for 3 nights and four days or 2 nights and 3 days?

Mom: Let me talk to your father for a minute.  I hear mumbling in the background, my wife is sitting beside me trying not to laugh.

Mom:  We are going to be there 3 days.

Me: Friday, Saturday and Sunday?

Mom: Yes we will be leaving on Monday.

Me: I’m really glad we are having this conversation.

Mom: Why?

Me: I’m running out of things to post about on my blog.  But I’ve got something now! This is what I am going to do.  I am booking you in the hotel room for three nights, the 24th, 25th and the 26th.

Mom: Okay, sounds good. 

Unfortunately I still have one more question to ask.  I ask with great trepidation.

Me: Do I need to book one or two rooms?

Mom: The girl (my niece who usually stays home) is getting to old to leave behind on these trips.

Me: So she is bringing both my nephew and my niece? I say hopefully

Mom: No

Me:  So, one room or two?

Mom: Your sister just got back from Vegas.

Me: So…?

Mom: I think she is out of vacation time from work.

Me:  Okay, this is what I am doing.  I am reserving one room for the 24th, 25th and 26th of next month.

Mom:  Are you following the elections here in Canada?

NOTE:

After editing this several times I find I feel a little bad for my wife, who sometimes asks me why I can’t answer a simple question.

…and of course one has to wonder what the views are on the other end of the conversation.

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Cat Puke the Untold Story

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , on February 24, 2011| 7 Comments »

We have six, that’s right, count ‘em, six cats.  Did you know that they get viruses just like people?  Not only that they catch it from one another. 

It started with our 15 year old cat Brianna, or Beezer as I like to call her.  Beezer has always been an inflammatory kitty meaning her body doesn’t seem to like her very much.  She suffers from inflammations it happens on her lips, chin and even her legs once swelled up and I am sure that her insides do the same.  She has a habit of eating and throwing up which is something I never get used too but I have learned to accept.  Beezer also has some sort of allergy problem which makes her itchy, in her later years she has managed to pluck off quite a bit of her fur making her a bald Beezer.

One morning Beezer decided to stop eating.  Yet she still ‘wommited’.  She continued to refuse to eat and still continued to ralph.  We were looking at a 15 year old orange, thinning, bald Beezer.  It was time to make an appointment with the vet. 

At the same time we came to the conclusion that Gumdrop had a urinary tract infection.  She is prone to them.  Lucky for us she started peeing in the shower.  And by shower I mean she positioned her little parts over the drain and peed directly into the drain, more than once!  Usually when a cat doesn’t use the litter box they are trying to tell you something is wrong.  Gumdrop however is hard to read and she really does love to sit in our shower.

While we were going to the vet anyway we made it a double appointment two appointments = twice the fun at twice the price. 

Did I mention that a few days before my wife found some rice at the base of Floyd’s tail?  Only it wasn’t rice it was a segment of a tape worm.  So Floyd was already being medicated for that but at least we now know who ate the mouse.  A few weeks ago we found a mouse kidney in our shower.  It could have been a liver but in the grand scheme of things does it matter?  I know what you are thinking, we have a high traffic shower!

Sunday evening another cat, fifteen year old ‘goat guts’ Deirdre stopped eating.  When Deirdre stops eating I know that the earth is off its axis.  She also started upchucking.  Gumdrop at this point was looking good and using the litter box again.  Perhaps she is just lazy and was in the shower already when she needed to pee.  So we replaced Gumdrop with ‘goat guts’ Deirdre.   Beezer however was starting to eat again and was looking a little better but we don’t take any chances with Beezer. 

Our vet confirmed that we had a virus. Seeing as Beezer is on the mend we did nothing.  Ole’ goat guts got a shot to help prevent further retching.  Despite the meds she still continued to hurl.

After we got home from the vets Gumdrop started to go downhill.  We have never seen Gumdrop  blow chunks.  She seriously doesn’t like it.  She pukes then runs around the room like she is possessed.  If she didn’t look like fretful porcupine it would be rather funny, okay it is funny but you have to feel bad for her.

I also learned this week that it is hard to sleep when your cats are sick.  Not just because we are worried but because our cats sleep with us, sometimes in the bed so we have to keep one ear open to listen for the sound of a cat starting to heave.   So far we have only had to change the sheets once at a rather ungodly hour.

Thankfully Brianna seems to be over it.  Deirdre while not a happy camper is starting to move in a more positive direction.  Gumdrop too seemed to take a more positive turn this morning.  Perhaps tonight sleep will come.

Of course there is still Katie, Trouble and Floyd to go.

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Please Shut the Door on Your Way Out

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , on February 2, 2011| 7 Comments »

Yes I am stealing the title of one of my sister’s blog, but only because the two are related, we are brother and sister, and the blog post is sort of related as well.  In fact to really understand this entry I encourage you to read hers so go ahead click on the following link, no worries it will open in a separate window and when you are done reading her post I will meet you back here and all will make sense so, Please Shut the Door On Your Way Out.

Ah, there you are, so nice of you to come back.

Just before we go to bed I take Sequoia out for her final walk of the evening.  She does her business, spends a few minutes checking things out and head back inside.  I get her dinner together set her up in her room and my wife and I go to bed.

Many a nights, about 15 minutes after we get under the covers Sequoia starts to howl.  When we decided to keep Sequoia my wife and I both made her promises and we tend to stick to those promises. One of mine was that if she really needs something after lights out all she needs to do is howl loud enough for me to hear and I’ll come and make sure she is okay.

For the most part the only time she called out was during thunder storms.  Then a few months ago when we were in the process of switching her meds she was not reacting well and all she wanted to do was drink water. Every night when I got into bed she would howl.  I would drag my arse out of bed and take her out, again she would do her business and we would head back in the house and call it a night.  Some nights I had to get up a few times and still in the morning I would have to clean her floor.

Now Sequoia is doing much better, but she still calls out at night.  Not all the time, but when it starts it goes on every night for weeks.  I figured it became part of the routine from when she was sick.  Sequoia happens to thrive on her routine. 

I was talking to the owner of Wiscoy who is very knowledgeable and she mentioned that she had a dog who, as the dog got older demanded more attention, Wanda (the owner of Wiscoy) thinks that maybe, just maybe as the dog got older she needed to know that Wanda was still there looking out for her.  Now this may be anthromorphising but there is a ring of truth to it, we also have an older cat who seems to be more snuggly than ever before.

I noticed that when I took Sequoia out she didn’t always pee.  Sequoia, more often then not would wander onto the grass, smell the ground head back to the house and make a bee line for her bed and that would be that.  Now if she calls I don’t even take her outside.  I just let her wander around the living room for a few minutes then all on her own she will wander into her room and curl up in her bed. It is almost like she just wants to make sure the world still exists outside her door and once satisfied that it does and we are still in it she is fine. 

And that is alright by me.

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The Door Is Latched

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , on January 18, 2011| 6 Comments »

It was a time before the snows fell, a time when gas was still under three dollars a gallon and there were still only 12 Zodiac signs. The leaves were already off the trees and the forest floor was spongy from the rains. Nairb opened his eyes just before dawn, in truth he didn’t know or care when Dawn opened her eyes, it didn’t matter as Dawn has nothing to do with the tale being told. The sun however, had not yet crested the horizon. One thought entered Nairb’s head ‘check the sump pump!’ It had indeed been checked the previous night but like all things mechanical sometimes the sump pump fails.

Alone and miserable Nairb, fortified in jeans, a sweatshirt, light jacket and a trusty flashlight went out into the cold driving wind and rain. Down he went into the desolate world of spider webs, insulation and cement. The root cellar housed the heating unit for the house along with the main water intake and of course, the sump pump.

The cold dirty water flowed over the tops of his boots. Instantly his feet were freezing. Gritting his teeth against the cold in his boots Nairb sloshed over to the sump pump and deeper water. Quickly he tapped on the hose waking up the sleeping beast.

Nairb waited, his only comfort was the circle of light his flashlight provided. His feet so cold they were tingling, but hunched over the sump pump he waited to make sure the water went down. Eventually he saw the change, the water was slowly retreating. Nairb headed back into the driving rain his freezing feet swimming in his boots. Finally making it to the front porch, looking into the window he saw his beautiful wife, Ecyned getting ready for work after all it was only Thursday. Nairb bent, removed his boots and lifted them so his wife could see as he dumped the river from them. Ecyned’s eyes opened wide.

Nairb opened the front door and peeled off his soaking socks, the door closed behind him but did not latch, DID NOT LATCH! Almost crying from the cold it was all Nairb could do to make it to the bedroom and dry his burning feet. Ecyned, his loving wife and fast thinker got a second pair of socks and headed for the laundry room where she could toss them in the dryer to heat up to ease the pain in Nairb’s aching feet.

The laundry room doubles as Aiouqes bedroom (my apologies, Denyce backwards is hard enough to pronounce Sequoia’s is almost impossible).

In opening the laundry room door Ecyned freed the dog, Aiouqes into the rest of the house. And unknown to all the front door had not latched, THE FRONT DOOR HAD NOT LATCHED! Nairb, trying to warm his feet in the bedroom heard the dreaded call from the front room. “Aiouqes! Get back here! Aiouqes! Nairb Aiouqes got out!” Nairb threw on a fresh pair of jeans, didn’t even bother with socks. Donned his black sweatshirt, slipped his feet into his running shoes, and followed his wife and the dog out the door into the freezing rain and driving wind.

He caught a glimpse of Aiouqes as she darted behind the garage. Nairb followed heading into the woods calling out in his loudest voice ‘Aiouqes! Aiouqes!’ In the distance he could hear his wife also calling for the dog! Unfortunately it was the start of buck season. In central Pa most men live for two only two reasons, hunting and football. Neither Nairb nor Ecyned were wearing orange. Aiouqes with her large plume tale and red and white colouring could easily be mistaken by an overzealous hunter for a buck and both Nairb and Ecyned could easily be shot for running through the woods yelling and screaming scaring all the deer away.

Freezing tired and soaked to the bone Nairb kept trailing Aiouqes it was a difficult task as he would catch glimpses of her but if he followed too close Aiouqes would think it was a game and keep running. But if he gave up it was a good bet that Aiouqes would just run and be lost forever, that is what huskies do, they run.  Finally Aiouqes turned and headed back towards civilization, Nairb chased her through the yards of many neighbours. He spied his wife through the trees; she was in the car driving up and down the road. Aiouqes was heading in the right direction, heading for home via the backyard of a neighbour. Nairb managed to jump up and down attracting the attention of his wife, using hand signals (stupidly he neglected to pick up his cell phone as he ran out the door earlier) he let Ecyned know that the dog was heading towards the house. Nairb turned a corner around the side of a house and lost track of Aiouqes she simply vanished in the driving rain.

Nairb ran onto the street calling her name. Exhausted shivering losing feeling in his fingers and toes Nairb stood on the street calling and calling. From behind he heard a voice. The neighbour in full hunting gear was standing on his door step demanding to know what was going on.

“My dog got away from me”

“The red and white husky? It is a miserable day for her to be out and about”

“Yes I know, I managed to keep her in my sights but lost her in your backyard”

“Well I just got back from my hunting camp and didn’t see her, but I’ll keep an eye out”

Suddenly there was movement from behind. There she is! Nairb was tired and at a crossroads. Aiouqes stood deep in the lawn across the street. Nairb knew that if he approached Aiouqes would run again. He got onto his knees on the wet pavement, patted his chest and called out to her. Aiouqes went into play bow enjoying the game and would not come.

“If I called her would she come to me?” Said the large man in his hunting fatigues

“You could try, she likes strangers.”

He called her name and whistled, Aiouqes unable to resist anybody new moved a step closer. A car was coming down the street, Nairb seeing the possible light at the end of the tunnel stepped into the street blocking the car from advancing, the large man called again. Without missing a beat Aiouqes went running to the large unfamiliar man calling her name. The large hunter closed his front gate trapping Aiouqesvon his porch. Nairb standing in the street frozen, wet and weary asked the hunter,

“Do you want a husky? Only five dollars and I’ll give you the fiver.” The hunter only laughed and Nairb thanked the hunter as he secured the leash to the collar and led the wet dog down the porch. Ecyned drove up the road in the car, relieved to see Aiouqes safe and secure. Ecyned opened the car door, both Aiouqes and Nairb were only too happy to jump in, Nairb thanking the hunter again before closing the car door.

Tonight, gas is up past three dollars a gallon there is snow on the ground, an extra zodiac sign has been added to the zodiac calendar, Nairb and his lovely wife Ecyned sit in their recliners, finally enough time has passed that Nairb can tell this tale without feeling that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach while Ecyned plays a video game.

Aiouqes? She is lying on her back in the kitchen, paws in the air, (like she just don’t care) in her mouth is a utility bill which she has grasped by the corner and is wiggling on her back making the paper flop back and forth across her cheeks. I think I’ll keep my five dollars and my dog. But now, no matter what we make sure the door is latched. THE DOOR IS LATCHED!

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Mouse Poop

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on November 29, 2010| 1 Comment »

My co-worker found some mouse poop on her desk today.  I have to admit there was a certain relief when I found some mouse poop on my desk too, I wouldn’t want the mice to think more of my co-worker then they do of me.  If they are giving gifts, don’t I deserve some too?  For me it is no big deal as I live in the woods, mice are just part of the lifestyle. You regular readers already saw the throw up mouse.  The other day I did find a tiny liver, (or kidney, or something) in the bathtub, pretty darn gross. I looked for the rest of the body but found nothing.  I worried it may have been behind a piece of furniture and it would be smelling in a day or so.  Lucky for us neither the body nor the smell ever materialized nor did any of the cats throw it up and we have seen no sign of worms, all in all an excellent hunt.

So why am I telling you all this?  My co-worker and I took this as a sign and decided it was a good time to wipe down our desks.  I cleared mine of clutter got some sort of germ killing cleaning spray and coated the top of my desk  and got it all nice and sparkly clean, (including cleaning out my keyboard) and then proceeded to put all the clutter back on my desk.  A few moments later my co-worker was doing the same.  While Steph is quite tolerant of bugs she draws the line at mouse poop.  Half way through her cleaning she said; “You should blog about this.”  My first reaction was, why?  My second reaction was what could one possibly say about finding mouse poop on one’s desk especially seeing as my faithful readers have already seen the really gross projectile vomited mouse. (clicky clicky, to get another delicious view)  As I sat here thinking about writing my next post her suggestion became a challenge.

So here I sit at lunch eating a Turkey sandwich, (yes still scrumptious leftovers from Thanksgiving) and blogging about my co-worker finding mouse poop.

My clean desk, after I put all my crap back on it.

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