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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

A Visit

Posted in humour, tagged , , , on July 6, 2013| 3 Comments »

So the parental units came a visiting from Montreal. They were waiting for us in the hotel lobby when we got off work. We shook hands hugged and kissed and agreed that we all looked wonderful. Then we had to ask the big question, where to go for dinner! While this may seem trivial in most families it is a serious issue in mine. We decided that we would take the conversation up to the hotel room because it was just too big of a decision to make sitting in the lobby.

And then the fun began.

The four of us, my mother, father, wife and myself packed ourselves into the tiny elevator to make the journey to the third floor. Before the elevator doors closed my mother looks at my father, “Phil, you left my purse in the lobby!” She runs out of the elevator while my father tries to hold the doors open leaving my wife and I wondering when it became my fathers job to keep track of my mothers purse.

Finally we are all in the elevator with all our belongings, the doors shut, my wife and I on one side, my father and mother on the other. My father at the controls. We engage in the usual chatter about the drive up the unusual amount of rain and just as I’m thinking that we are in a very slow elevator my wife says to my dad, “did ya happen to push the button?” We all had a good laugh and my father sheepishly pushed the button and like magic the elevator began to rise.

My mother looks at me and says, “I smell a blog coming” I looked at the floor, chuckled and as I looked down it struck me, my father and I were wearing the exact same shoes.

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What Doesn’t Kill Me…

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , on May 31, 2013| 8 Comments »

So I’m getting older. Yeah I know, what are the alternatives? In my head I don’t feel old but my body tells a different tale.

Sure I identify with those posts of Facebook. Yes I was born before we had home computers. I remember Television without a remote. I grew up in a world without a phone attached to my hip. And if you wanted HD you looked out the window.

But none of that is what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about struggling to finish one Big Mac meal never mind chowing down two like I did in the olden days back when a Big Mac was actually big. And what is with salt all of the sudden? Are they making it stronger? If I eat a Pizza I’m up half the night guzzling water and the other half is spent peeing. I used to order whatever I wanted and the more the better, now if the picture on the menu looks like it has too much food I order something else.

Back in the day I was captain of the relay team many years in a row. Now I don’t run. Run? Who am I kidding I don’t even bend. Two weeks ago I threw my back out removing clothes from the dryer.

At work we have bakers racks where we put equipment. There are four sometimes five shelves to a rack. I’ve never put anything on the bottom two shelves lately even that third has become daunting.

Socks! Don’t even get me started. It is not the socks so much as the feet. I’ve never been a huge fan of feet. But who in their right mind put them so far out of reach of my hands? I need a nap after putting on my socks.

And what happened to all the actors and actresses? Growing up all the stars were older than me and I could look up to them. Now all of them are so young, exactly when did the scale tip? But as young as they are, that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as Doctors. Doctors are supposed to be older more experienced wiser people. I really don’t like Doogie Howser telling me how I should live my life. (Google it)

I remember my father who used too, (still may) lie down after a shower while he was still wet. He would tell my mother, “I’m drying” Dad, I understand. I really do. I’ll stay in the shower a little longer to delay the drying process.

There are advantages. Sex for example is wonderful, especially the one in the winter.

I’m 47.

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Ahh Karma, Where Art Thou? Oh, There You Be.

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on May 27, 2013| 2 Comments »

We went to see the latest Star Trek movie.

We like to sit in the very last row of the theatre. We were the first to arrive and we took our usual seats. We watched as a family of five walked in and sat directly in front of us. Really? There was nobody else in the theatre! They could not sit at least one row in front of us. When dad and teenage daughter leaned back the back if his chair was touching my knees. My wife commented on how rude they were and we got up and re-located a few seats down.

The theatre never filled up.

As the end credits started to roll the five of them left. A few minutes later the two adults came back and were looking on the floor and between the seats, obviously they lost something. We also saw the kids looking threw the trash.

karma is such a wonderful bitch.

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November Comes A Cryin’ Part Two

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , on November 24, 2012| 2 Comments »

What does a bent hotdog skewer, a folding step ladder, a husky and laundry room have in common?  Read on, read on.

Once a month on a specific Wednesday I have to be at work a little earlier than usual and this was one of those Wednesdays. As I stepped out of the shower I hear a clap of thunder.  No surprise every time I have to do some traveling for work it manages to rain.  But it wasn’t thunder my wife who just had knee surgery calls out that something must have fallen in the kitchen.  ‘Okay I’ll get dry and have a look”  My wife  thinks it may be that her mother has fallen so she hobbles out of bed and out of the room in search of the disaster that awaits outside our door.   As I’m exiting the bathroom my wife hobbles back in the room and informs me that there is nothing going on out there but the dog is whining in the laundry room, but she was just in too much pain to check on her properly not to mention that the dog always whines at this time in the morning.

I get dressed and head out to check on the dog.  I can’t open the laundry/dog room door.  Sometimes the dog sleeps in front of the door so a little extra shove is needed but this was not to be the case because I hear her prancing around.  I turn the knob and give a harder shove.  The door remains closed.  I drop to the floor and by ‘drop’ I mean slowly lower my achy 47 yr old body to the floor and get my eye on the ground and peer underneath.  At first I see nothing but some dog paws the ground is clear from the door to the washing machine.  Then I notice a metal bar along the edge of the bottom of the washing machine.  We have a folding stepstool behind the door, that metal bar is the base of the frame of the stepstool.  The G*d  D****d  M****r F***ing  step stool is wedged between the bottom of the washer and about a foot up from the bottom of the door!

I let Denyce know the situation and I head to the garage to find something to slide under the door so I can move the step stool.  I found a piece of wood and a hotdog skewer, the kind used to roast a hotdog over a fire.   Sliding the piece of wood under the door did no good, the bottom end of the stool was jammed under the washer, I was pushing so hard on my end of the wood that I was sliding along the linoleum floor, but that stool was not moving.   The hotdog skewer proved to be of less help.   My last option was the window.

As I was heading out the door to get the ladder my wife reminded me to bring my knife to cut the screen. I maneuvered the ladder up the embankment and against the window frame.  I was very excited to see that the storm window was part way up.  I cut the screen and pushed the storm window all the way up.  The inside window was firmly locked in place.  But it was one of those locks that have been around since the dawn of time, surly I could think my way around this lock.  I pressed against the window and there was plenty of wiggle room, I could slide something between the upper and lower frames and wiggle the mechanism out of the catch.  And I had the perfect tool!  A carpet knife is a really thin blade with a hook on the end.  I figure I can hook the edge of the lock and work it backwards. No problem and I still had time to get to work ahead of time.  I slide my knife between the frames and guess what?  No go.  It seems somebody had thought of this before me.  It appears the way this stupid window was built was to keep people out once it is locked!  Can you imagine that?  The frame is offset where they meet so you can’t slide an object between the two!  My last option is to break the window.   Standing on the ladder I look carefully at exactly what I have to do because now it is about to get serious.  I take inventory.  I need a hammer, gloves, eye protection.  I’m going to break the window slide my hand inside open the lock and open the window.  From there I’ll crawl on top of the dryer and voila!  I go over it in my head once again before heading down the ladder.  Is there another way?  I don’t want to break the window.  I’m missing something, I take another look at the window and with a humbling view I do a self assessment of myself.  I’m no longer the scrawny 12 yr old that could wiggle through this window.  I could get my head and shoulders through the window and then I would reach a sudden unpleasant and humiliating stop.  Now What?

I could still break the window and try to entice my 12 year old 60 pound husky to jump on the dryer and wiggle out the window and then we would be both be balanced atop a precarious ladder, nope, not going to happen.

Entering the house my wife informs me that even if I break the window, she doesn’t think I would fit through, yeah already thought that one through, thanks.

I sit on the floor listening to my husky loudly complaining on the other side of the door.  My wife asks if I knew the non emergency 911 number.  She calls and talks to the dispatcher who is going to call the fire chief and have him call us back.   Did I mention that my wife and I belong to a C.A.R.T (County Animal Response Team) team?  Yeah and we can’t even get our dog out of the laundry room.  And not only am I going to have to call my boss and tell him I’m going to be a little late, I’ve got to call and tell him I’m not going to be in at all.  And then I’ll have to tell him why.  But I still have time…

While waiting for the call from the fire chief I go back to playing with my hotdog skewer under the door.   My wife suggests that I bend the hotdog skewer at a 90 degree angle.  I bite my tongue at the first thought, and the second.  Not sure what good it will do I go ahead and make the bend, I have no better idea and my wife is usually right about such things.  I slide the skewer back under the door and wiggle it around.  Perhaps it will give me more leverage.  Perhaps I can grip the edge of the step stool between the forks and wiggle it out of the way.  Nothing, then a light clicks on in my head.  With the skewer bent I can use it like a lever, from there with a little swearing and patience I manage to maneuver the skewer into position and push down on my end.  The step ladder moved just a fraction but it moved.  I pressed against the door and it opened just enough for me to see the dogs nose.  Still pressing down on my side of the skewer my wife shoved the door a little bit more.  Together we freed the dog! Reaching around I pull out the offending step stool.  With a sigh of relief my wife calls back the 911 dispatcher who cancels the call

In seconds my wife and I are in action.  I clean the dog pee off the laundry room floor.  Five minutes later we are in the car heading for work.  While I’m not going to be early, I’m going to be okay I can still do what I need to do providing there are no more delays.  Everything is moving nicely.  I’m calculating my time.  While I am going to be late it will only be by a few minutes.  I can call the guys and ask them to wait another 15 minutes for me it won’t delay their day that much, life just got a lot better.

Turning off the exit to drop my wife off at her work we run smack dab into rush hour traffic.  Bottleneck, dead stop!  I call my boss.  I have a wonderful boss and he tells me not to worry, just do what I can.  Of course he doesn’t know the whole story just that I’m held up in traffic.  Later in the day I would fill him in.

Finally I’m at work about half an hour late, I hop in the work van and make the 40 minute trek to Lewistown where they guys are waiting for me. Of course I owed it to them to tell the whole story, in four part harmony.  They laughed and one wondered why I just didn’t take the opportunity to cut out a doggy door?

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Best Movie Quotes

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on May 21, 2012| 6 Comments »

Okay so I decided to list ten of my favourite entertainment quotes:  Feel free to add some in the comments section.

1 “Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in Hell”  From the movie 300

2 “next time someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!”  Ghostbusters

3 “Release The Kraken!”  Clash of the Titans

4 “I could have had a pissed on carpet”  The Big Lebowski

5 “Fill your hand you son of a bitch”  True Grit.

6 “Timmy’s in the well”  Lassie

7 “Poop in his hand! Poop in his hand!”  G-Force

8 “I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.” High Fidelity

9 “Get your stinking paws off me you damned dirty ape”  Planet of the Apes

10 “Nobody puts baby in a corner” Dirty Dancing.

(bonus quote),  “My precious…”  Lord of the Rings.

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And the World Keeps Shrinking

Posted in humour, Small town life, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012| 5 Comments »

We needed a new roof.  We chose a black metal maintenance free roof that is guaranteed for life.  But should you try to call us on the telephonic equipment don’t be surprised if we don’t answer. We only have cell phones and the metal roof blocks the cell signal in certain spots within our house.  Not to worry though, you call always call Millheim Pa ask the Amish person who picks up the phone to speak to Henry, then tell Henry you are trying to reach the guy who lives across the street from Amy, the one with the new lawn mower and the shiny black metal roof, who is making a racket with his working chipper shredder.

Okay, since you asked so nicely I will explain.

Millheim Pa sports a large Amish community has a population of 907 people consisting 322 families. Millheim also happens to be located 45 minutes away from our home.  We were in Millheim because my wife works with Jamie, Jamie’s husband, Nick is a general contractor who owns his own contracting business Nickolas Klaue Construction.  We were hiring Nick to put on our new roof. For you locals, if you are working on a project I’d give Nick a call.  His rates are reasonable.  He does good work, he was done in the time he said it would take and when done he cleaned up everything.  We could not be more satisfied.  My wife started talking to Nick about our two lawn mowers that don’t work.  Nick suggested that we visit Millheim small engine repair because even if the mowers are not worth fixing, Henry the owner would probably take them as a trade.  My wife and I loaded up the ole’ SUV with the incredibly heavy chipper shredder that I have not been able to start in two years and went off in search of Henry and his Millheim Small Engine Repair.  We spoke to Henry and told him Nick sent us.  We discussed the mower situation and he said bring them on down and we can work something out, after all we are friends with Nick.

Two weeks later we went to pick up our chipper shredder.  Rather than bring the mowers down we decided to take pictures.  From the pictures alone Henry offered us a deal.

While filling out paper work the woman who works for Henry noticed our address and says to my wife.  “Do you know Amy?”  To which my wife replied yes we do, Amy lives across the street from us and is the sister to our neighbor John with whom we are good friends.  The woman explained that she knows Amy and her husband quite well but does not know John, but knows of John because Linda’s daughter is currently dating John.  “Really” we said, we know John is dating but we didn’t know who, nor do we know this Linda.  The woman explained that she knows Linda well but not Linda’s daughter and it is Linda X.  The name to me sounds familiar.   Suddenly I perk up, I know a Dean X we work together or at least in the same company, just different departments.  Dean also lives on our street.  Yes the woman explained, Dean is Linda’s son so John is dating Dean’s sister.

So 45 minutes from home, a complete stranger is informing us of the socio-geographic landscape of our street.  Nothing like life in small town, but wait my big city friends, the saga continues.

The woman helping us with the paper work notices that my wife works at Penn State.  “Oh, I used to work there” she says, “where do you work at Penn State?”  My wife starts to explain and the woman interrupts my wife because the woman used to work at the same lab my wife works!  And their time over lapped each other!

So we ended up supporting two local businesses, learning the gossip on our street, a working chipper shredder, a new riding mower, and a new roof.

Do you remember Nick?  Yeah, well after all was said and done Nick purchased one of our non-working mowers from Henry.  It is the circle of life I’m tellin’ you.  THE CIRCLE…

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It is Always Amazing, What I Don’t Know

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , on January 25, 2012| 9 Comments »

I’m sitting here watching the auditions for American Idol.  I can’t sing at all but I often wonder what song I would sing if I was auditioning.  I really don’t know, I’m very eclectic in my listening pleasure.  For the most part I don’t like jazz or opera everything else is fair game.  Often I forget how much I like a specific song.  It is kind of like watching TV.  I always forget how much I love watching I love Lucy or the Honeymooners until I’m channel surfing accidently fall upon one of those shows.

So I’m sitting here watching American Idol and wondering if I’m ever going to post anything on my blog again.  I can’t think of anything to write.  Nothing too exciting is going on and frankly I just can’t seem to find the energy to write, although I do miss writing. 

While I watch Idol I’m surfing the web trying to find something to write about.  First I go to Face Book.  My friend Ray Parker (The Mad Hatter) posts a clip of Sammy Davis Jr. performing Mr. Bojangles.  I’ve love that song, especially when performed by Sammy. I once knew it word for word but I never knew Mr. Bojangles was a real person. Bill (Bojangles) Robinson was an American tap dancer and actor of both the stage and screen.  So I watched a clip of Bill Robinson in action, a clip from the Shirley Temple movie ‘Little Colonel’ and Bill Robinson is teaching little Shirley Temple a tap routine.  I watched the Sammy Davis Jr. clip again with a new understanding of the song. 

So I said to myself, I said, “Self, you can blog about this”  doesn’t matter that nobody else cares.  My blog, my rules. So I started typing.  Then I started thinking.  What if Sammy David Jr. Didn’t write the song?   He didn’t!  Jerry Jeff Walker wrote Mr. Bojangles.  Okay, many singers don’t write their own songs, there are song writers that do that sort of thing.  And yes Jerry Jeff Walker is a song writer, but he also performs.  He is a country western dude and much to my surprise Mr. Bojangles is a country song.  And my third least favourite type of music is Country music so I’m sure you can appreciate my surprise when I found that I really liked Jerry Jeff Walker’s performance of the song.  More amazing is that Jerry Jeff Walker didn’t write the song about Bill Robinson.  While Jerry Jeff was in jail for intoxication there was a white man who refused to give his name to the police and called himself Mr. Bojangles.  In an attempt to lighten the mood in the cell Mr. Bojangles started tap dancing and the song was born.  Then I said, “Self, who else sang this song?”  I started listening.  Neil Diamond did a decent job, Nina Simone absolutely incredible, John Denver was typical John Denver.  Everybody and his mother recorded this song, but nothing like Sammy, I think it was because for some reason this song was very special to Sammy.  But then I clicked on one more version.  Sorry Sammy, I’ve always loved watching and listening to you and probably always will.  But in this instance David Bromberg takes this song to a new level of greatness.

And you know without the internet I would probably never even thought to look any of it up. 

I knew a man, Bojangles and….

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Walkie-Talkies

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , on December 22, 2011| 4 Comments »

Do you remember walkie-talkies? This was light years before cell phones. This was back to a time when phones were not only attached to the wall, but most had rotary dials. Walkie-Talkies were a little larger than a small transistor radio, You would press the button on the side and talk into it communicating with your friend who had the other one. When you finished your message you would say ‘over’ so your friend would know it was his turn to talk. More often than not there would be no reply because all you ever heard was static. Sometimes there would be little pauses and patterns in the static. I like to think that the static was actually noise from space, quite possibly the sounds that existed when our world was created Or perhaps noise from aliens!  You never know, it could be.  In the end we always resorted to yelling into them which worked because we were usually standing not more than 10 feet away from each other.

Many, years later just before cell phones became common place another little walkie-talkie type device hit the market. These were a form of short wave radio’s that actually did work. Like a walkie-talkie they came in pairs and were set to a particular and unique frequency. With an average set you could easily be on one side of a modern day shopping mall and talk to your partner who could be anywhere in the mall or even in the parking lot. While this was easily a billion dollar industry, it was short lived because cell phones hit in a big way about two years later.

So why, you are asking yourselves, am I even talking about this? Well because I am about to pick on my parents again.

About eight Octobers ago my parents came for one of their regular visits. My mother told us she wanted to buy us these ‘walkie-talkies’ We told her thanks but we really didn’t see a use for them. “Neither did we.” She said, “Now we don’t know how we manage without them!” We compromised, we would wait and see how invaluable they were between my parents and then we could better decide if we thought they would be useful for us.

The first test was upon the walkie-talkies as we were heading to the mall. For my parents going to the mall is a leisure activity. They walk in the front door synchronize their watches and make a plan. The conversation between my mother and father goes like this:

Mother: Okay, it is 1:30 where do you want to meet?
Father: I don’t know.
Mother: How about we meet back here?
Father: Okay what time?
Mother: It is 1:30 now, how much time do you need?
Father: Doesn’t matter to me, I’m good whenever, we just need to meet back here so we can make a plan for supper.
Mother: Okay it is 1:30 say we meet at…when?
Father: Well, hmm, what time did you say it was 1:30?
Mother: One thirty, oh wait did my watch stop? No its one thirty.
Father: Well, what did you want to do for supper?
Mother: I don’t know we can discuss that later, when did you want to meet back here?
Father: Whenever you want, I just have to hit a few stores and then I’m good.
Mother: Okay its 1:45 now, how about we meet at 3:30
Father: 3:30? That doesn’t leave much time does it?
Mother: Well we can meet at 3:30 and if we need more time we can always pick a new time.
Father: but then we have to come back here and then go through this again.
Mother: Okay how about 4?
Father: Hmm.
Mother: You said it doesn’t matter to you!
Father: Okay 4 pm. Did you want to meet at the food court?
Mother: No, here.
Father: Okay back here at 4pm. What time is it now?
Mother: 2:10.

And off they go, and they may pass each other in the corridors but they are pretty much on their own, until dinner of course.

My beautiful wife and I hit the mall with a slightly different plan. We view the mall as an evil place filled with zombies. The mission is simple, in and out as fast as we can. We don’t separate we have each other’s back. If the mission is more than 20 minutes it is considered a failure.

Being the accommodating cheerful people my wife and I are, we agreed to the plan. We watched as my Mother and Father went their separate ways and faded into the throng of Zombies. My wife and I headed for the nearest bench. After a time we spotted my father.

Me: Have you seen mom?
Dad: No.
Me: Why not call her on the walkie-talkie?
Dad: I left it in the car.

So far, test failed. A few moments later my father is back with walkie-talkie in hand. He calls my mother. No answer, he waits a moment and calls again.

Me: Problem?
Dad: It’s probably at the bottom of her purse and she can’t hear it.

Second Test: FAIL!

Later my wife and I spot my mother.

Me: have you seen Dad?
Mom: No.
Me: Why not call him on the walkie-talkie.
Mom – rummaging around in her purse finally finds it and turns it on.
Me: It wasn’t even on?
Mom: No I can’t hear it in my purse so I save on the battery by turning it off!

FAIL!

Mom – calls my father, no answer and tries again…and again.
Me: Problem?
Mom: he is not answering, maybe his battery is out.
Me: No he tried calling you awhile ago but you had yours off, so it is not his battery.
Mom: Well he is not answering.

FAIL!

Finally the time arrives and we all meet up:

Me to Dad: So, after you tried calling mom, we found mom and tried calling you on the walkie-talkie that you guys can’t seem to live without, but you didn’t answer.
Dad: I turned it off.
Me: Why?
Dad: To save the battery because your mother can’t hear it if it is in her purse. So why should I have it on?
Me: I’m not sure why you even carry them.
Dad: Why? They are wonderful.
Me: Well thank you very much for wanting to buy us a set but really I think we will pass.

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DDS: Dey Died Screaming

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , on November 2, 2011| 7 Comments »

The other day I went to the Dentist.  I have needed to for awhile, I’ve been avoiding it because I don’t like the dentist.  I know what you are thinking nobody likes to go to the dentist.  You would be wrong.  I know people (not normal people) who do like to go to the dentist.  I’ve had major surgery twice, each time removing part of my intestine.  I’d rather do that again then sit for an hour in the dentist chair.  My chest gets tight, my head starts to hurt and I start to sweat just thinking about the dentist.  Unfortunately it is just one of those things you have to do.  I understand that dentists are our friends and they contribute greatly to our lives, they are the unsung heroes of modern medicine.  Ever have a toothache?  Nothing beats a dentist.  The advances in dentistry in recent times are mind blowing.  My dentist didn’t even use the old pick on my teeth instead they used an ultrasonic pick.  And yet, for some reason I just dread going.

In my youth I had a dentist I didn’t like at all.  He would lie to me.  He would tell me it would be over in 3 seconds, and then he would count out loud.  Normal people count 3 seconds as 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi.  Not good old Dr. Liar.  He would count “1 Mississippi…” is a southern state that shares its name with a muddy river, a river Mark Twain loved so much that he wrote a book about it, the book became a classic and is still being read in high schools all across the States and Canada, except where it is banned because of some racially explicit words which were very common at the time of writing…”2 Mississippi…” is also the birthplace of Oprah Winfrey, Muddy Waters and Elvis Presley.  The capitol of Mississippi is Jackson and the state bird is the mocking bird…”You doing okay Brian?”  He would ask me when my mouth was full of suctions, picks, clamps and gauze so there was no way I could answer .  Not that my answer would matter as we both knew the answer would be, ‘No I am not alright’. He would nod understandingly, he would turn on the suction and I could hear him above the whine of the drill.  “Okay this will hurt a little longer but not enough to re-freeze you, and after you can go look at the fish in the aquarium and pick a lollipop just three more seconds Bri and it will all be over ready?…good boy 1 Mississippi…” is a large producer of catfish and cotton, dairy products and rice. Mississippi became a state December 10 1817. And if you enjoy crawdad fishin’ Mississippi is the place for you…2 Mississippi….” 

Three seconds my ass!

My next dentist however was far better.  My father said he never sent us a bill.  My sister figured out why.  He was a Nazi still conducting experiments and was being paid by the defunct Neo-Nazi government.  Truth of the matter was he never hurt me while I was sitting in the chair.  For weeks after I felt like I had a mouth full of fresh lava.

My last few dentists have not been bad, the last one is the best. I even found some humour in my last visit.

Dentists have their own language.  Not only that, I don’t want to know what it all means.  I don’t care what it means.  In fact I am pretty sure it is better that I don’t.  When the dentist started to explain things to me I sort of stopped listening.  I knew there were problems she said she could fix them.  The details (except for cost) were unimportant. 

I had my eyes closed, the dentist on one side of me, her hygienist (?) on the other side.  The dentist had a mirror in my mouth and was talking to the hygienist they were mapping out my mouth. I listened to the conversation which went something like, but not exactly like this:

Dentist:  DOM on two but could also be amalgam.

Hygienist: got it

Dentist: Buildup on three and a SVU

Hygienist; Okay, wait was that an SVU or an SUV?

Dentist: Hmm, neither its a GMC

Dentist:  four and six pre existing SRO with POV

Hygeniest: Did you say POV or POW with an EDU?

Dentist: NCIS but five is an EDU with a possible VHS

Me: owwa domma ahhh phllliicckkk

Dentist: removing mirror from my mouth, What was that Brian?

Me: Patient is DOA!

And so it went around my mouth one tooth at a time.

I suppose it all could have been worse.  I could have been at the eye doctor where they ask you embarrassing questions like,

Eye Guy: “Brian what is the first letter on the chart on that wall?” 

Me: “Chart?  What chart, all I see is blurry white square.”

Eye Guy: “hmm I see.”

Me: “well at least one of us does’

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Finding Me

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on October 24, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I’ve covered a lot of ground in these posts. Many of the tags I use such as ‘magic, pets, animals, humour, friends, etc.’ I’ve used over and over.  This will be my 175th post.  I advertize my blog on Twitter, Facebook, Likeden and I’ve used a wide range of titles. 

So other than people directly looking for me how do people find me?  Simple really.  They go to their search engines and they type in the words, ‘mouse poop’.  I have had more hits through search engines that way than any other words or combinations of words.  True they don’t all say ‘mouse poop’  there are wonderful variations such as;

How big is mouse poop?

Mouse poop on my desk?

Mouse poop at work?

Do mice poop in piles?

How do I clean mouse shit out of my wok?

…and the list goes on.  Don’t bother going to google and type in any of the above and see what comes up.  I did it, and there are pages and pages, an unbelievable amount of information dealing with the  ‘mouse poop situation’  And in my in-depth research (all of five minutes) in how people are finding my blog I have found that when I type in anything about mouse poop into many search engines, my blog does not make a showing.  So I still have no idea how they find me.   I did however come across one interesting youtube video  Which I think everyone should take a look at.  But before you do I caution you it has very little to do with mouse poop.  It is about Sasquatch poop.  It appears these folks were tracking Sasquatch and came across, in their own words, ‘The mother load’ a big heaping pile of Sasquatch poop!  Go ahead, re-read the last sentence but it’s not going to change the result.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3GetVzf1OE

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