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Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

What Doesn’t Kill Me…

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , on May 31, 2013| 8 Comments »

So I’m getting older. Yeah I know, what are the alternatives? In my head I don’t feel old but my body tells a different tale.

Sure I identify with those posts of Facebook. Yes I was born before we had home computers. I remember Television without a remote. I grew up in a world without a phone attached to my hip. And if you wanted HD you looked out the window.

But none of that is what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about struggling to finish one Big Mac meal never mind chowing down two like I did in the olden days back when a Big Mac was actually big. And what is with salt all of the sudden? Are they making it stronger? If I eat a Pizza I’m up half the night guzzling water and the other half is spent peeing. I used to order whatever I wanted and the more the better, now if the picture on the menu looks like it has too much food I order something else.

Back in the day I was captain of the relay team many years in a row. Now I don’t run. Run? Who am I kidding I don’t even bend. Two weeks ago I threw my back out removing clothes from the dryer.

At work we have bakers racks where we put equipment. There are four sometimes five shelves to a rack. I’ve never put anything on the bottom two shelves lately even that third has become daunting.

Socks! Don’t even get me started. It is not the socks so much as the feet. I’ve never been a huge fan of feet. But who in their right mind put them so far out of reach of my hands? I need a nap after putting on my socks.

And what happened to all the actors and actresses? Growing up all the stars were older than me and I could look up to them. Now all of them are so young, exactly when did the scale tip? But as young as they are, that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as Doctors. Doctors are supposed to be older more experienced wiser people. I really don’t like Doogie Howser telling me how I should live my life. (Google it)

I remember my father who used too, (still may) lie down after a shower while he was still wet. He would tell my mother, “I’m drying” Dad, I understand. I really do. I’ll stay in the shower a little longer to delay the drying process.

There are advantages. Sex for example is wonderful, especially the one in the winter.

I’m 47.

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Crazies At The Dentist

Posted in Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , , on November 28, 2011| 7 Comments »

As some of you know, because you were there, I was at the dentist again.  Upon entering the lobby the receptionist was busy with another person so I just sat down at which time the receptionist said, “Brian, I’ll let the dentist know you are here”.  The other person turns around and says, “Well we could have just rode in together”  by coincidence it was a friend of mine who is also having work done, also I am told by his wife that he is just as much afraid of the dentist as I am, but like me eventually pain rules and something had to be done.  Just as Chad, not his real name, (okay it is) sat down and I was about to start a conversation another lady comes into the lobby who I did not know and comments on the strange weather we were having.  Ignoring my first rule of all things social (do not make eye contact) I went straight to ignoring my second rule of all things social (do not engage).  Breaking both rules I looked at the lady, smiled and nodded.  She commented again on how warm it was and I responded, “yup”.  She then started a conversation with me that went something like this.

Weirdo:  I like you, you know why?

Me: No.

Weirdo: Because you didn’t ask me where I’m from.  Everybody always asks me where I’m from and I don’t understand why.  Why do they assume I am from somewhere else, I don’t have an accent.  I spent a little time in the south so maybe my vowels are extended but not obviously so.

At this point I will point out that this lady was easily in her 70’s and had a pretty thick accent, I thought perhaps Ukrainian and it turned out to be Polish. So I just sort of shrugged. I was just about to open my mouth to speak to Chad when she pipes up again.

Weirdo:  I don’t use Novocain or any drugs when I’m at the dentist

Me: Raised eyebrows

Weirdo:  I use self hypnosis, and once I am properly relaxed I press hard on my pinky.  If they are working on the left side I press on my right pinky until it hurts, but it doesn’t really hurt because I am in a very relaxed state and pressing on the pinky takes away the pain.

Me:  I’ll take whatever drugs they give me.

Weirdo: I don’t like State College very much there is nothing to do.  When I lived in Virginia there was so much I could do, go to the movies, see plays, go out and eat, see the gardens.

Me:  I like it here.  By the way, everything she mentioned, you can do in State College there is plenty of movies, restaurants, theatre’s, concerts.  But I wasn’t about to argue.

At this point Donna, Chad’s wife came out of the examining room, she seemed to be quite proud that I was at the dentist on my own like a big boy.  We laughed, She texted my wife and then the weirdo interrupted us and asked me.

Weirdo: Are you going to vote for Obama?

Me: No

Weirdo: Why not?

Me: I’m Canadian

Weirdo:  Do people kill themselves in Canada?

Me: What?

Weirdo: Do they kill themselves? I bet there are a lot of suicides because of all the rain.

For the first time in my life, I couldn’t wait to see the dentist. Anything to get out of that waiting room, remember my friend Chad?  He was of no help. I started to wonder, if I pressed on my pinky finger, would she go away?

Me: I guess it is like everywhere else. 

Weirdo:  I bet a lot of people kill themselves.  So do you like Obama?

Me: Never met him.

At this point a soldier walked into the room the conversation quickly changed.

Weirdo:  War is such a horrible thing.  Poland has always been occupied either the Russians or the French or the Germans always war.  And now war is so much worse I hate to think about it.

Me: Yup, not pleasant, it never was. 

At this point the hygienist came in and saved me, “Brian we are ready for you now”

I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast from the waiting room to the dentist’s chair. 

 

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DDS: Dey Died Screaming

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , on November 2, 2011| 7 Comments »

The other day I went to the Dentist.  I have needed to for awhile, I’ve been avoiding it because I don’t like the dentist.  I know what you are thinking nobody likes to go to the dentist.  You would be wrong.  I know people (not normal people) who do like to go to the dentist.  I’ve had major surgery twice, each time removing part of my intestine.  I’d rather do that again then sit for an hour in the dentist chair.  My chest gets tight, my head starts to hurt and I start to sweat just thinking about the dentist.  Unfortunately it is just one of those things you have to do.  I understand that dentists are our friends and they contribute greatly to our lives, they are the unsung heroes of modern medicine.  Ever have a toothache?  Nothing beats a dentist.  The advances in dentistry in recent times are mind blowing.  My dentist didn’t even use the old pick on my teeth instead they used an ultrasonic pick.  And yet, for some reason I just dread going.

In my youth I had a dentist I didn’t like at all.  He would lie to me.  He would tell me it would be over in 3 seconds, and then he would count out loud.  Normal people count 3 seconds as 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi.  Not good old Dr. Liar.  He would count “1 Mississippi…” is a southern state that shares its name with a muddy river, a river Mark Twain loved so much that he wrote a book about it, the book became a classic and is still being read in high schools all across the States and Canada, except where it is banned because of some racially explicit words which were very common at the time of writing…”2 Mississippi…” is also the birthplace of Oprah Winfrey, Muddy Waters and Elvis Presley.  The capitol of Mississippi is Jackson and the state bird is the mocking bird…”You doing okay Brian?”  He would ask me when my mouth was full of suctions, picks, clamps and gauze so there was no way I could answer .  Not that my answer would matter as we both knew the answer would be, ‘No I am not alright’. He would nod understandingly, he would turn on the suction and I could hear him above the whine of the drill.  “Okay this will hurt a little longer but not enough to re-freeze you, and after you can go look at the fish in the aquarium and pick a lollipop just three more seconds Bri and it will all be over ready?…good boy 1 Mississippi…” is a large producer of catfish and cotton, dairy products and rice. Mississippi became a state December 10 1817. And if you enjoy crawdad fishin’ Mississippi is the place for you…2 Mississippi….” 

Three seconds my ass!

My next dentist however was far better.  My father said he never sent us a bill.  My sister figured out why.  He was a Nazi still conducting experiments and was being paid by the defunct Neo-Nazi government.  Truth of the matter was he never hurt me while I was sitting in the chair.  For weeks after I felt like I had a mouth full of fresh lava.

My last few dentists have not been bad, the last one is the best. I even found some humour in my last visit.

Dentists have their own language.  Not only that, I don’t want to know what it all means.  I don’t care what it means.  In fact I am pretty sure it is better that I don’t.  When the dentist started to explain things to me I sort of stopped listening.  I knew there were problems she said she could fix them.  The details (except for cost) were unimportant. 

I had my eyes closed, the dentist on one side of me, her hygienist (?) on the other side.  The dentist had a mirror in my mouth and was talking to the hygienist they were mapping out my mouth. I listened to the conversation which went something like, but not exactly like this:

Dentist:  DOM on two but could also be amalgam.

Hygienist: got it

Dentist: Buildup on three and a SVU

Hygienist; Okay, wait was that an SVU or an SUV?

Dentist: Hmm, neither its a GMC

Dentist:  four and six pre existing SRO with POV

Hygeniest: Did you say POV or POW with an EDU?

Dentist: NCIS but five is an EDU with a possible VHS

Me: owwa domma ahhh phllliicckkk

Dentist: removing mirror from my mouth, What was that Brian?

Me: Patient is DOA!

And so it went around my mouth one tooth at a time.

I suppose it all could have been worse.  I could have been at the eye doctor where they ask you embarrassing questions like,

Eye Guy: “Brian what is the first letter on the chart on that wall?” 

Me: “Chart?  What chart, all I see is blurry white square.”

Eye Guy: “hmm I see.”

Me: “well at least one of us does’

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