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Archive for November 2nd, 2011

The other day I went to the Dentist.  I have needed to for awhile, I’ve been avoiding it because I don’t like the dentist.  I know what you are thinking nobody likes to go to the dentist.  You would be wrong.  I know people (not normal people) who do like to go to the dentist.  I’ve had major surgery twice, each time removing part of my intestine.  I’d rather do that again then sit for an hour in the dentist chair.  My chest gets tight, my head starts to hurt and I start to sweat just thinking about the dentist.  Unfortunately it is just one of those things you have to do.  I understand that dentists are our friends and they contribute greatly to our lives, they are the unsung heroes of modern medicine.  Ever have a toothache?  Nothing beats a dentist.  The advances in dentistry in recent times are mind blowing.  My dentist didn’t even use the old pick on my teeth instead they used an ultrasonic pick.  And yet, for some reason I just dread going.

In my youth I had a dentist I didn’t like at all.  He would lie to me.  He would tell me it would be over in 3 seconds, and then he would count out loud.  Normal people count 3 seconds as 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi.  Not good old Dr. Liar.  He would count “1 Mississippi…” is a southern state that shares its name with a muddy river, a river Mark Twain loved so much that he wrote a book about it, the book became a classic and is still being read in high schools all across the States and Canada, except where it is banned because of some racially explicit words which were very common at the time of writing…”2 Mississippi…” is also the birthplace of Oprah Winfrey, Muddy Waters and Elvis Presley.  The capitol of Mississippi is Jackson and the state bird is the mocking bird…”You doing okay Brian?”  He would ask me when my mouth was full of suctions, picks, clamps and gauze so there was no way I could answer .  Not that my answer would matter as we both knew the answer would be, ‘No I am not alright’. He would nod understandingly, he would turn on the suction and I could hear him above the whine of the drill.  “Okay this will hurt a little longer but not enough to re-freeze you, and after you can go look at the fish in the aquarium and pick a lollipop just three more seconds Bri and it will all be over ready?…good boy 1 Mississippi…” is a large producer of catfish and cotton, dairy products and rice. Mississippi became a state December 10 1817. And if you enjoy crawdad fishin’ Mississippi is the place for you…2 Mississippi….” 

Three seconds my ass!

My next dentist however was far better.  My father said he never sent us a bill.  My sister figured out why.  He was a Nazi still conducting experiments and was being paid by the defunct Neo-Nazi government.  Truth of the matter was he never hurt me while I was sitting in the chair.  For weeks after I felt like I had a mouth full of fresh lava.

My last few dentists have not been bad, the last one is the best. I even found some humour in my last visit.

Dentists have their own language.  Not only that, I don’t want to know what it all means.  I don’t care what it means.  In fact I am pretty sure it is better that I don’t.  When the dentist started to explain things to me I sort of stopped listening.  I knew there were problems she said she could fix them.  The details (except for cost) were unimportant. 

I had my eyes closed, the dentist on one side of me, her hygienist (?) on the other side.  The dentist had a mirror in my mouth and was talking to the hygienist they were mapping out my mouth. I listened to the conversation which went something like, but not exactly like this:

Dentist:  DOM on two but could also be amalgam.

Hygienist: got it

Dentist: Buildup on three and a SVU

Hygienist; Okay, wait was that an SVU or an SUV?

Dentist: Hmm, neither its a GMC

Dentist:  four and six pre existing SRO with POV

Hygeniest: Did you say POV or POW with an EDU?

Dentist: NCIS but five is an EDU with a possible VHS

Me: owwa domma ahhh phllliicckkk

Dentist: removing mirror from my mouth, What was that Brian?

Me: Patient is DOA!

And so it went around my mouth one tooth at a time.

I suppose it all could have been worse.  I could have been at the eye doctor where they ask you embarrassing questions like,

Eye Guy: “Brian what is the first letter on the chart on that wall?” 

Me: “Chart?  What chart, all I see is blurry white square.”

Eye Guy: “hmm I see.”

Me: “well at least one of us does’

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