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Archive for October, 2011

I’ve covered a lot of ground in these posts. Many of the tags I use such as ‘magic, pets, animals, humour, friends, etc.’ I’ve used over and over.  This will be my 175th post.  I advertize my blog on Twitter, Facebook, Likeden and I’ve used a wide range of titles. 

So other than people directly looking for me how do people find me?  Simple really.  They go to their search engines and they type in the words, ‘mouse poop’.  I have had more hits through search engines that way than any other words or combinations of words.  True they don’t all say ‘mouse poop’  there are wonderful variations such as;

How big is mouse poop?

Mouse poop on my desk?

Mouse poop at work?

Do mice poop in piles?

How do I clean mouse shit out of my wok?

…and the list goes on.  Don’t bother going to google and type in any of the above and see what comes up.  I did it, and there are pages and pages, an unbelievable amount of information dealing with the  ‘mouse poop situation’  And in my in-depth research (all of five minutes) in how people are finding my blog I have found that when I type in anything about mouse poop into many search engines, my blog does not make a showing.  So I still have no idea how they find me.   I did however come across one interesting youtube video  Which I think everyone should take a look at.  But before you do I caution you it has very little to do with mouse poop.  It is about Sasquatch poop.  It appears these folks were tracking Sasquatch and came across, in their own words, ‘The mother load’ a big heaping pile of Sasquatch poop!  Go ahead, re-read the last sentence but it’s not going to change the result.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3GetVzf1OE

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I am not a fan of the ‘bucket list’ the movie was not horrible, but the idea of writing down a list of all the stuff you wish to do? I don’t know, to me that sounds like a recipe for disaster, at the very least, as time goes by it becomes a list of regrets.

I think a more satisfying list would be the ‘I’m Not Going To Do It’  list. Such a list would be more achievable then a bucket list. So after lots of time and thought I have started a list:

Not going bungee jumping.  I am not going to die hanging upside down by my ankles because I jumped off a bridge secured by a rubber band.

 Not going parachuting. The only way I am jumping out of a plane is if the plane is going down in flames. And you know? Planes don’t have parachutes so, not going to do it.

 Not going to eat the seaweed salad at the Chinese buffet. That stuff just looks nasty. I’ve never seen anyone eat it, not sure why it is even there.

 Never going to appear on a television show such as ‘Survivor’.  Because that would just be silly

Never going to my high school reunion. I fought hard and long to get out of that place, why on earth would anyone think I want to go back? 

Never going to vote for anyone named Barrack Obama or George Bush.  Lets face it George put the hole in the boat and Barrack doesn’t have a clue on how to fix it.

Never going to go into outerspace.  Actually I will go if the ship is anything like the Star Ship Enterprise.  If I have to be strapped down and pee into a vacuum cleaner hose, it is never going to happen.

Never going to be one of those people who win 5 million dollars in the lottery and then proclaim, “yeah, I like my job I am going to keep working!”  If you are one of those people, please stop playing the lottery.  You have clearly missed the point.

Ain’t never going to be no ‘Hillbilly handfisher’.  I watched five minutes of it on the TV and that was enough, thank you very much.

Never going to appear on the TV show ‘Wipeout’.  While I love watching the show, those people are just retarded morons.

Never going to be a clown or a mime.  Isn’t being a magician nerdy enough?

Well I think eleven items on my ‘Never Going To Do It’ list is a pretty good start.  How about you?  Anything you are not going to do?

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The other day I was in the bathroom at work and I noticed a strobe light attached to the fire alarm.  I had to laugh.  First off, if the alarm goes off and I’m in the middle of…’delivering the mail’ the fire is simply going to have to wait, it is that simple.  Secondly if there is a fire do you really want a strobe light going off?   I think that would be a little distracting.  Imagine if you will, flames a leaping, smoke billowing, fire alarms screaming in your ear, you drop to the ground looking for a way out, but now not only are you hot and choking and in fear for your life, you have no idea where you are going because the strobe light is assaulting your senses.  How does that make sense?

Speaking of assault on ones senses I am seeking words that people believe are degrading but in truth they are not.  Admittedly there are a handful of words that are actually degrading, however most of the time it is all in the context in which one is speaking.  I’ve been thinking about this for sometime because not overly long ago a friend of mine posted on Facebook on how we should not use the word ‘retarded’ because it is degrading.   I took offence to this.  Retarded simply means that there is a developmental delay.  The diagnosis for mental retardation is when ones IQ is below 70.  Wikipedia does classify the word ‘retard’ as offensive of course anybody can put just about anything in good ole’ Wiki and others will swear it is the gospel.  I often call some of my best friends ‘retarded’ when they do something that isn’t always the brightest thing in the world to do, many times I don’t even have to tell them because two minutes after they do what they did they will often proclaim, ‘oh man! I’m such a retard’.  Now yes that can be seen as degrading but it is also meant with love and affection and it is in context.  No friend of mine would ever go up to a person who actually has such issues and call them a ‘retard’ because that is offensive.  So hate me or think me insensitive if you will, but retarded stays in my vocabulary.  It is up to you to be smart enough to put the word into the context in which it is meant.

The word ‘ignorant’ is another good example.  My loyal followers have heard this from me before.  Ignorant only means lacking knowledge.  Ignorant does not mean ‘rude’.  Somebody who offends you is not necessarily ignorant.  More than likely, they are offensive.  Somebody who is rude is not necessarily ignorant, they are probably just rude.  You know who is ignorant? The people who repeatedly use the word, ‘ignorant’ in describing somebody who is rude, even after I’ve explained to them what ignorant means, those people are ignorant or possibly just stupid.   

Bastard, I do enjoy the word ‘bastard’ I’m not sure why I don’t often use it in reference to people.  Really I don’t care if your parents were not married when they had you.  Heck I don’t even care if you were a test tube baby. Usually I use it in reference to objects such as computers of course computers are usually rat bastards.  I don’t think rats can even be bastards since marriage is an exclusively human concept, but the words go together well.

Stringing all these words together as in, listen here you ignorant rat bastard retard…’ that I can see as offensive, in just about any context.

Of course you could soften the blow with the placement of the word ‘honey’ let us try it shall we?  Listen here honey you are an ignorant retarded rat bastard!    Yeah that makes it so much better.  It is all about context.  Of course just about any sentence that starts with, ‘listen here honey…’ is not going to end well.

I also like the word ‘moron’ unfortunately moron is offensive. The definition of moron is that which describes somebody with mild retardation.  It is odd that the word is offensive but the definition is not.  Offensive or not, I’m sticking with moron. 

I think that ends this post. Uh Oh, listen up honey I think some moronic, rat bastard, ignorant retard set off the fire alarm.

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Well it is Yom Kippur.  The first issue with this holiday is the name.  To the un-initiated it sounds like Yum Kippers! There is a lot wrong with those two words, ‘yum+Kipper’.  First off, in reference to the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur there is absolutely nothing ‘yum’ about it! Mostly because you have to fast for twenty five hours and I mean fast, no food, no water, nada, zip nothing.  Secondly a Kipper is absolutely disgusting. A kipper is a whole oily little herring which has been split from head to tail, gutted and then salted or pickled.  My theory on such foods is pretty basic.  When you have to pickle or salt to cover the taste of the original food to make it edible, then it only stands to reason that the food being covered is pretty much disgusting.  I’ll give you another example. 

Gefilte fish, which is another Jewish delight, what is it you may ask?  Well there is no fish that is called a gefilte, so don’t even waste your time at your local petshop looking for one.  It is a white fish that is poached minced and stuffed into the fish skin.  Yum Gefilte!  But there is a way to make this food palatable.  How? You may be asking.  Well I’ll tell you, it is a little secret weapon called Horse radish.  Wait!  Don’t go running out to buy some gefiltes and horseradish because it can’t be any over the counter horseradish.  No it must be old school grandma made horseradish, or more commonly known as the moonshine of horseradish.  When grandma makes horseradish it doesn’t clear the sinuses it reduces a liquid pulp.  When you open the jar it brings tears to your eyes. 

Let us imagine you are not Jewish sitting down to eat at your Jewish friends house. Gefilte fish is on the menu.  But the first thing that assaults you is the overwhelming strong smell of the reddish sauce that sits in the middle of the table, that is the horseradish.  It is always fun to watch the newbie’s in this situation.  They see all the Jews shoveling heaping table spoons of this toxic sauce onto the plates.  Now the hostess brings out the gefilte fish.  They look harmless, in fact they look just like dumplings, except for the disgusting looking goop that usually accompanies them.  With a little care you remove the goop and plop a gefilte or two onto your plate, after the first bite the need for the toxic paint remover otherwise known as horseradish makes a lot of sense.  It doesn’t matter that it is burning your sinuses, it doesn’t matter that you can hardly see through the tears.  It doesn’t matter that it is so strong that the horseradish is eating away at the pattern embedded into the plates.  All that matters is that you get enough horseradish on the gefilte fish so you can no longer taste the fish, in fact the goal now is to simply kill your taste buds.  It has taken me years to realize that I just don’t have to eat any of it in the first place.

So, what does all this have to do with Yom Kippur? Nothing.

Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement for us Jews.  The day is supposed to be spent in synagogue, (Jewish church) in prayer.  You also don’t get to eat for 25 hours in a row.  Growing up there used to be Jews who would cheat and at least drink water.  But you are not supposed too.  What you are supposed to do is pray. You read your bible and you confess your sins and at the end of it all we trust that our sins have been absolved by god.

There is a benefit however aside from atonement of course and that is Leviticus 23:27 decrees that Yom Kuppur is a strict day of rest.  I like strict days of rest.  I decree that there should be more of them.  Unfortunately you cannot have a light without a dark to stick it in, because there are five other observances one must follow on this day of ‘rest’.

  1. No eating or drinking (already discussed above)
  2. No wearing of leather shoes, (like anyone can afford those anymore)
  3. No bathing or washing. ( Not a problem not going anywhere anyway, I’m resting).
  4. No anointing oneself with perfumes or lotions, (okay so it’s may get a little smelly)
  5. No Marital relations. (I choose to believe that means no fighting or arguing of any kind)

This day, especially this year Yom Kippur takes on an interesting twist, I was born on Yom Kippur.  That’s right on October 7th on Yom Kippur I was born.  The Jewish calendar does not change.  So most years Yom Kippur does not fall on my birthday, sometimes it’s off by a week or two, but this year, just as it did 46 years ago the two dates collide.

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