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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

Always Trust Garmi, Part One.

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, Small town life, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2010| 7 Comments »

I have a lousy sense of direction.  When I interviewed for the job I am currently in I was informed that we cover not only State College but Lewistown, Huntingdon, Lockhaven, Lykens, Tyrone and we help out our sister warehouse, (who my supervisor also supervises) Williamsport. I was asked if I had issues if asked to travel to any of these destinations.  I was perfectly honest about it and told them that I had no issues about traveling to any of the locations.  Lykens, being the farthest out is only two hours away.  So really it’s no big deal. 

“Nope, no problem” I responded.  However I immediately started thinking about the time I showed up to work at the bank and they asked me to help out in the Avis office. I wasn’t sure what a bank teller was going to do at a car rental agency, but what the heck. Then I remembered that there is a place called Avis Pa.  I had been there once before and my wife was driving.  I was told just go towards the mall and keep left, it should take an hour.   If you look at Google, to get from the State College branch of the bank to the Avis branch you would see it is a basically a straight line.

Two hours later I found myself at the Jersey Shore!  I had no idea when I crossed into Jersey, I didn’t even know Jersey was so close!  What I did know is that something went desperatly wrong.  It turns out that just as there is no Port in Port Matilda the Jersey Shore is not actually in Jersey!  Oh I’m sure there is a shore in Jersey but it is not this Jersey Shore which is probably a good thing because as much as I didn’t want to be lost, I really didn’t want to be lost in Jersey, (new or old) I didn’t have a GPS, I didn’t even have a cell phone, I was in the wilds of Pennsylvania and lost, eventually I had to (gasp!) ask a man at a local business how to get to Avis.  The man was very nice and pretended to understand how I missed the exit.  After all, it is really hard to see that large glaring Avis exit sign.  I think he saw my eyes gloss over as he gave me directions which were basically, ‘drive down this street and make a right’ And this very nice man got in his truck, yes a beat up red truck and had me follow him to the bank. 

In Montreal I never got lost.  Not that my sense of geography or direction was any better, I just didn’t drive.  I got from point to point by walking, transit, or bike.  And if I did get lost all I had to do was find the giant cross on top of the mountain and head for cross.  Once at the top of the mountain I knew where home was.

In Vancouver I never had to travel.  Everything I needed was in a four block radius.  And if I wanted to go downtown I took the skytrain which only went in two directions.  Even I could navigate that. 

My wife and I were hesitant about a GPS. Our only experience with one was through my father.  My folks came to visit, my father had a Tom-Tom and loved it.  We wanted to go to a restaurant in Altoona called Don Pablo’s.  My father punched it into Tom, we explained it wasn’t necessary as the only reason we ever go to Altoona is to go to this particular restaurant and it is easy to get too, it is right off the exit.  But my father insisted.  I watched Tom-Tom as we drove and I too was soon in love with the machine.  But Tom got it wrong.  It had my father get off the highway an exit too early.  We told him no, but he was going to listen to his buddy Tom.  Fine, it was just going to take a little longer.  Then Tom told my father to turn Right.  This was totally the wrong directions.  Images of a cab ride of long ago came to mind.  We convinced my father to disobey Tom.  Lucky my wife has a great sense of direction because now I was as lost as Tom.  My father refused to admit Tom was wrong.  He informed us that there must be another Don Pablo’s.  Why yes, yes there is as Don Pablo’s is actually a chain.  The next closest one to us is in Virginia!  We got to the restaurant and my father still refused to admit defeat, (he is loyal that way) and told the waiter what happened and if there was another Don Pablo’s in the area.  Yes, yes there is if you consider Virginia part of the ‘area’. the waiter understanding my father’s predicament did offer a way out.  He mentioned that there is a Mexican community on the other side of town and perhaps Tom-Tom new a Don Pablo that lived over in that direction.

Of course my father only listened to Tom when it was convenient.  For example we knew how to get to Don Pablo’s but on that occasion my father decided Tom knew better.   However when we were looking for a restaurant in Lancaster Pa, a restaurant non of us had been too, in an area non of us had ever been before, a time when we were at the mercy of Tom-Tom to guide us through the back roads of the Amish country side was the time when my father decides to disregard Tom’s directions with all of Tom’s fancy global positioning.  Tom was telling my father:

“In 500 hundred feet turn left”

“In 200 hundred feet turn left”

     …no turn signal

“In 100 feet turn left”

     …no turn signal no turn.

“Turn Left now!”

     …No turn.

“Recalculating, make a u-turn in 50 feet”…Father continues to go straight. 

Eventually and with enough of us pestering him he makes the U-turn and Tom leads us safely to the restaurant.

I was offered, and accepted the job two days after the initial interview.  My date of hire was a few days before my birthday.  We also had made plans to drive down to California to visit my father-in-law.  All things considered it seemed a great time to purchase a GPS. 

Stay tuned for Part 2.

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Word Up.

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, Small town life, tagged , , , , , on November 3, 2010| 3 Comments »

I enjoy words.  How words mean something.  How hard they are to take back.  The impression they make on people.  The impression you make on people using your words.  Often one hears the expression, ‘Actions speak louder than words’ the problem is there is usually more words than action (which says something in and of itself) but often times words are all a person has to judge by.

Here are some interesting words or expressions I have come across since moving to Central Pennsylvania.  I’m not saying that they are exclusive to Central Pa or even originated here.  I’m saying that this is where I’ve heard them.  Don’t judge my spelling I’m sounding them out so if you are reading them out loud the pronunciations should be correct.  My spell check is going to have a cow!

REDUP:

 A co-worker at the bank said to me, “I’ve got things to do, I really have to redup”

“Excuse me?” I said.

 “I’ve got things to do” She replied. 

“No, I understood that, it is the other part.”

“Redup?”

“That would be the part”

Redup equals get ready.

Yes, that day I hugged my Canadian citizenship.

LEFT:

Left, what is so odd about the word ‘left’?  Well, try this on for size;

“I caught a rabbit, but I left it go.”

GUYSES:

“Excuse me, I found this, does it belong to one of your guyses?”

BORROWED:

Nice normal word, usually.

“He didn’t have a drill, so I borrowed him mine.” 

Yes, I still cling to my Canadian citizenship, eh.

Heard this on the local news:

A tanker truck turned over, the newscaster looked into the camera and said: “Hazmat has been called because the roads are very slippy.”

Youins:

Texas has ya’ll but we have Youins.

Anyway I have a busy night. I have to left the dog out but I have to be careful because the driveway is awful slippy and I borrowed my flashlight to my neighbour.   I hope youins is enjoying my blog, but now I gotta go and redup.  Oh I found a set of keys the other day, does it belong to any of you guyses?

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Hit By A Truck

Posted in humour, tagged , , , , on October 21, 2010| 4 Comments »

Okay the title is a little misleading.  My friend Richard drove into a truck.  With his bicycle, the truck was not moving.  He didn’t really even hit the truck.  In fact he drove up the ramp and right into the back of a moving van.  No, he did not do this on purpose.  We were riding down the street side by side talking about whatever we happened to be talking about.  Parked on the side of the road was a large moving van.  Rich, did. not. see. it.  All I am saying is good thing there was a ramp otherwise he would have smashed right into the back-end of the truck and the outcome probably would have been a trip to the hospital.

I’m not sure why this is a pick on Rich post, but it is.

Rich, Steve, (Richards brother) and I spent a lot of time riding around on our bicycles.  Often times we experienced technical issues.  I was hit by a car, (nothing serious), Steve lost his front wheel, it just kind of rolled on ahead of us.  On this particular excursion we were headed to Mt. Royal.  Before the journey even began Richard proclaimed; “He who gets a flat tire walks!’  Richard got a flat half way down the mountain.  Steve and I were the ones that ended up walking.

Richard and I survived high school together, I honestly don’t think I ever would have survived if he wasn’t there.  People would look at us in an odd sense of wonder as we would argue and bitch at each other most of the day, yet we always walked home together.  We were in a lot of ways opposite. Richard is a blue-eyed blond german.  His father is direct from ‘The Mother Land’  he was not a nazi, not even close but he did fight in the regular army.  If I remember correctly Richards grandmother was pretty close to Hitler possibly a secretary.  I don’t know it was never really talked about.  Richard will correct me if I am wrong.

I on the other hand am Jewish,  not hard-core, but jewish enough. My great-aunt had the numbers tattooed on her arm.  I don’t like to think about the holocaust I don’t like to think about that particular war.  I’ve never seen Schindler’s List.  It is a sore subject with me and I can’t honestly say why, enough said. Regardless Rich and I were/are very close.  But we had our moments. 

Richard: “Bri, let’s go to McDonalds”

“Okay”  We would get there, order the food.

Richard: “I forgot my wallet, I’ll pay you back”

Richard currently owes me $2,723.36.  I’m starting to think he left his wallet at home on purpose.  I also have come to the realization that I’ll never see that money again.  I did get even.  Richard and I built an HO scale railroad in his garage.  While Rich would work on a particular part I would plug the track in at the exact right moment.  It is amazing how much electricity runs through a model railroad track.  It was kind of fun to watch the sparks fly from his fillings.

Richard built a model rocket, okay we both built model rockets.  The difference is Richard launched his INSIDE his basement.  His reasoning?  He didn’t think it would fly.  Man was his father pissed when he saw the ceiling.  Of course we do have Steve to thank as he sat there staring at the ceiling until his father looked up.

Richard and I purchased some lumber for a deck we were building onto his folks house, (it is a great deck) we strapped the wood to the roof of the car.  How does one secure wood to the roof of a car?  Why rope of course!  The employees at the lumber yard had a good laugh as we looped the rope through the windows and over the roof (and the wood) in the process we tied the doors to the frame of the car.  Of course we only realized this when we tried to get into the car.  Eventually we did the dukes of hazard thing and went through the windows.  unfortunately there was no Daisy Mae waiting for us when we got home.

I think that ends my little walk down memory lane.  Rich we will have to do the Skype thing one of these days.

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Things I actually like, Part 2

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , on October 19, 2010| 1 Comment »

This is an addition to Things I Actually Like.  I decided to add to this list because somehow I hurt my hip, not a big deal, it’s not like the majority of my job is bending or lifting, or reaching oh wait, add counting and that is pretty much my job.  In any case when you have pain everything is more annoying than usual.  I don’t count my crohn’s as pain, okay I do but that is normal everyday, not out of the ordinary.  My point is that a little positivity doesn’t hurt…much.  And this excludes the obvious such as friends and family.

1.  I love it when my eyes open at four in the morning and realize I am heading into Sunday and not Monday.

2. I love it when I wake up feeling no pain.  On the odd occasion that does happen, first I have to convince myself that I am really awake, and once I’ve established that I am awake I have to establish the fact that I am alive.  However once I establish that I’m indeed awake, pain-free and alive and it is Saturday or Sunday it feels pretty darn good…makes it even better if there is a possibility of sex. (especially the one in the winter).

3. I love it when my wife says something funny and it takes me a moment to get it.  Like just this moment for example, the dog was begging for candy but we were not sure where the candy was so my wife says to the dog, “One second Sequoia and I’ll find your candy”  No, it is not candy for dogs, it is candy for people, for us, but suddenly it has become the dogs candy. It took me a minute to realize what my wife said.  Of course the candy is not enough, now the dog is licking what is left of my wife’s popsicle.  No, the dog is not spoiled.

4.  A job done well. Okay that just seems like something you are supposed to say.  I guess it depends on the job.  Sometimes I honestly don’t care. 

5. I love it when I get to ‘5’ on a list like this and can’t think of anything else to add to the list.

6. I love sarcasm, (see number 5)

7. I love the fall, and I love getting the leaves off my lawn before my anal retentive neighbour gets his cleared off,  (a rare occasion)  I once had a competition with one of the technicians I work with, we were competing to see who could mow the lawn the least.  I won, hands down.  

8. I love people who use the word ‘ignorant’ wrong.  Such as, “That guy was rude to me, how ignorant!”  I’m not sure why it amuses me, it just does.

9. I love when a meal is so good I get saddened when it starts to noticeably disappear from my plate.

10. I love when my dog is so content she rolls over onto her back, paws in the air and starts to snore.

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Dispatcher Games

Posted in humour, tagged , , on October 10, 2010| 2 Comments »

In my ‘Ideas For Blog’ there is a note that simply says ‘dispatcher games’  I know what the note refers to, as will you by the time this post is finished what I can’t figure out is what prompted this note in the first place, not that it really matters.

I started out as a dispatcher, as dispatchers  we mostly talked to technicians.  We made sure they had their jobs in order, and we helped them troubleshoot problems they had in the field.  What the technicians didn’t know is that we dispatchers played some interesting games to make our day that much more bearable. 

My favourite game was the ‘word’ game.  At the beginning of the day we would all write a few words on individual sheets of paper.  The papers were then thrown into a hat and we would each blindly choose a slip of paper.  We then had to use that word in a sentence while talking to the technician.  Of course the technician never knew we were playing a game.  They probably thought we were just a little crazy.  There were only a few rules, the main rule of course is that we had to be respectful of and to the customer.  We would never put a technician in an awkward situation.  A bit of experience, meaning a week or so on the job and you knew in the first few seconds of a conversation whether it was safe to play or not. 

A few examples of the words we used are: Australopithecus, meatballs, nutmeg, bifutus regularis, bigfoot, amniocentesus, neoteny, beens and weeines, etc.  Keep in mind these were technicians installing modems and digital boxes in peoples homes.  So a conversation might go something like this.

Tech: “Hello Bri, this is Dan tech 8433.”

Me: “Hello Dan what can I do for you today.”

“I’m at job 3 I’m having some issues getting the modem on line and the customer is here in front of me”.  This is the technicians code for ‘the customer can hear everything that is being said.

“No problem Dan, can you give me the serial number and I’ll check to see if the modem is online on our end?”

“Sure thing Bri here you go”

“Okay Dan I can see the modem on our end. I see the modem is trying to get online, but keeps failing at a certain point.  The problem appears to be that the downstream signal level is deep in the red, perhaps you can try and give it some bifitus regularis and see if that clears up the signal issue?”

long pause from the techincian, on my side however the rest of the dispatchers are bent over in fits of laughter.

“…Uhm, thanks I’ll get that signal cleaned up and give you a call back'”

The lesson is, life is often what you make it, so you may as well work with the hand you are dealt and make it as enjoyable as possible.

 

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So, You Had A Bad Day.

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, State College, tagged , , , on September 28, 2010| 2 Comments »

This should probably have been titled Street Urchins Part Four, but it is not. It is titled, So You Had a Bad Day.

Saturdays at the bank were particularly slow, as a result we had one desk person (who takes on a supervisory role) and two tellers.  Check cashing at the bank was very strict, we had to be connected to the person cashing the check or the check itself, meaning the check either had to be drawn on the bank from an account in good standing, or the person had to be a customer in good standing.  The following happened on a Saturday and started about 11:30 and lasted an agonizing 20 minutes.

 The Painter:

I have decided to leave out the colorful swearing that the Painter liberally infused in his speech.  Suffice it to say that every second word was not pleasant.  He was loud, he smelled and his breath was horrific.

The painter handed me the check he wanted cashed.  The second thing I noticed about the check was that it was not drawn on our bank; The first thing I noticed was that it was written in crayon:

 “Sir,” I asked, knowing the answer, ‘Do you happen to have an account with us?”

“No, but you have to cash this check”

 ‘Sir, I am very sorry but I cannot cash this check…”

“You have to THIS IS AMERICA”

Obviously he knew by my ever present Canadian accent that I was not from America.

“Sir, please let me explain the probl…”

“THIS IS AMERICA! You have to cash my check, I worked for it, I deserve it that money belongs to me!  You cash it right now!”

“Sir I…”

“You cash the check! Are you an idiot? What don’t you understand?”

Here I have to point out, bank tellers don’t make a lot of money, certainly not enough to tolerate abuse.

“listen to me for jus…”

“American Money!  This is legal tender it is as good as cash, now cash the check now”

“Sir, if you interrupt me again I’m calling the police, plain and simple, a check is not as good as cash, the only thing as good as cash is cash,  it is not legal tender it is a check.  Legal documents such as a check must be signed in ink not crayon.  I can’t make out the signature, the check is not from our bank, and you are not a customer here….”

“I worked for that, hard-earned money!”

“I understand, I suggest you go back to the employer and get cash, or a check drawn fro…”

“Why?  Just cash my check now”

At this point the desk person, Kim, had come up behind the teller line and was standing at the teller window next to mine, phone in hand, giving me the questioning look.

“Sir, it is enough, one of two things are going to happen, you are either going to leave on your own, or I’m calling the police.”

“Why can’t you cash it? You can cash it, you have to cash it, it is the law”

“Sir, I have tried to explain why, and you keep interrupting, you can explain the law to the police when they arrive.”

At which point he glanced over at Kim who started to dial.  For some odd reason he decided to show Kim and I his middle finger, and if you ask me there was nothing special about his finger, except it had paint on it.  And with that, he left the bank.

The following Monday he walked back into the bank and waited for me to finish with my customer. As he walked over I picked up the phone.  It was Monday, Monday’s are my, ‘I don’t have any patience for crap’ days, (so are Tuesday through Friday):

“Sorry about Saturday it was a bad day and I wasn’t thinking.” 

“Yeah, we all have ’em.” I never did see him again.

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Street Urchins Part 3

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , on September 26, 2010| 1 Comment »

I will not forget my first encounter with David. I had been working at the bank for a precious few weeks. Out of the corner of my eye I spied him standing at the door.  David is a little over six feet tall, about two hundred pounds, he has a pocked marked face brown eyes and short greasy black hair. I know all this because as I watched him I figured I had better cement a description of him in my head so I didn’t look like an idiot in front of the police when they asked me for a description.  he seemed to be looking at us, the cameras, the windows, his toes were lined up at the threshold of the door and he stood absolutely rigid. When David finally entered the bank the lobby was almost empty. I looked around to see which of the other four tellers was going to help him. Imagine my lack of surprise when I saw that all of my co-workers had magically vanished!

Okay, so it was throw the new guy to the wolves day. David walked over to my window and proceeded to re-arrange the must have teller paraphernalia, the deposit slips had to be in a perfectly squared pile. The pile had to be two finger widths from the edge of the counter and two finger widths from the edge of the wall and yes he used his fingers to measure. The chain on the bank pen had to be just so, the pen itself had to be lined up along the deposit tickets. All of this was done repeatedly and in silence.

Finally he reached into his pocket and removed his wallet.  He held it up to his face, right up to his large nose.  He opened the money part just a fraction, just enough so he could peer in with one eye, then he closed the wallet and put it back in his pocket.  “May I help you?” He looked at me and removed his wallet again, peered inside it again.  Put it back in his pocket and re-arranged my deposit slips…again. He looked over at my coin tray,  “Do you have any Sacagawea dollars?”  understand he is looking at them in my coin tray, “Yes, looks like I have about eight dollars worth do you want them?”  Once again he reaches into his pocket and repeats the wallet ritual several times.  “May I see them?”  I spread them out on the table.  He carefully looks them over, but does not touch them. “What dates are those two?”  I turn them over so he can see the dates.  He goes back to his wallet ritual.  I look around for some help and I see the tellers have drifted back to their stations and they all had huge grins. 

He leaned in a little, looked around the bank.  “My name is David, but please don’t say my name out loud. I have an account here.  I also have a safe deposit box here.” 

“Okay, Da..sorry, Sir so what is it I can help you with today?”  Back to the wallet ritual.  “Can I have two dollar bills, four quarters and those two Sacagawea dollars? I have a five dollar bill in my wallet.”

“Of course you may, I start to gather the money while he starts his wallet ritual.  Lucky for me I adhere to bank policy, all my bills are face up and in the same direction.  I think David would have had a heart attack had I given him the bills any other way.  Finally he removes the five dollar bill.  I happen to notice it is the only bill in his wallet.  Now that it is out David has to check it repeatedly.  He held it up to the light, front and back, checked it at different angles, he checked to make sure it was indeed only one bill over and over.  He smiled almost shyly as he handed over the five and gathered his coins.  Interestingly, he didn’t even look at the money I gave him.

He leans in again, points to my coin tray, “Is that a half-dollar?” 

Now I have to admit there are times I do things or say things that I’m wishing I hadn’t done while I am still doing it.  And for some reason, perhaps nerves, perhaps a coping mechanism but looking at that half dollar with David standing in front of me I lost control.

“Yes, but I should let you know that it is a magic half dollar'”

“Magic?”

“Yes”

long pause while he is thinking this through.  Over the course of the next five years there would be many such pauses during conversations between David and Myself, sometimes to the point where he had to go sit down for a few minutes while he processed information.

“Magic, how?”

I picked up the coin with one hand and placed it in the other and closed my fingers around the coin.  I looked at David and slowly opened my fingers I watched his face as I opened my fist revealing that the half dollar had changed into a quarter.  And like Braveheart from a few years ealier there was no reaction.  None.  I patiently waited him out.

“That is just a trick, right?”

“Yes”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes”

“Can I see the quarter?”  And once again I don’t know what came over me.  I picked up the coin and handed it to him.  But when he held out his hand to recieve the quarter, it vanished completely.  

“Is that also a magic trick?”

“Yes”

“You are sure?”

“Yes”

“Where is the quarter?”

“Right here” Reaching into the air with an empty hand and producing the quarter at my finger tips. “And the half dollar is right here” Tossing the quarter into my hand, closing my fingers around it, and when I open them the quarter has changed back to the original dollar coin.

I’ve done this a zillion times to people, before David and after David, but to Davids credit he earned my respect in his next move, he did something nobody had ever done before and have not done since.  He reached into his pocket and counted the change I had given him earlier.  He looked up at me and smiled.

“I like you”

“Thanks your alright yourself”

“See you next time”

Much to the relief of everybody in the bank David became my customer.  I spent five years at that bank, and I think it is David I miss the most.

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I Don’t Take Pennies

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , on September 15, 2010| 1 Comment »

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts Perfect Magic Vancouver was located up stairs in a strip mall.  At the bottom of the steps just outside the door our resident beggar always sat on the little stoop asking for change. 

It was a beautiful summer day, nice and cool, the type of cool you get after a rainstorm.  I opened my two windows as wide as I could, breathing in the crisp air. 

 Through my open window I heard the beggar speak, “Excuse me Sir, could you spare some change?”  In my mind I could see her holding out her styrofoam coffee cup jingling the few coins, her cigarette in her free hand, (she didn’t care much about the smoking ban).

Much to my surprise the voice responding voice was Shawn Farquhar’s.  Those of you who know Shawn can tell you his voice is unmistakable as is his manner of speech.  And he is a very giving person. 

I rolled my chair over to the window and peered through the slats in the blinds.  Sure enough there was Shawn digging through his pockets and asking the beggar about her day.  He spent a few minutes chatting and started towards the door that leads to the steps to the magic shop.  As he was about to open the door the beggar calls back to him.

 “Excuse me Sir, thank you very much but I don’t take pennies”.

“Excuse me?”

“Here Sir, you can have your pennies back.”

Shawn looking like a deer in the headlights

“But…”

“No Sir, pennies are too much to keep track of and they weight too much so I don’t take them. Here take them back.”

  Having sorted through the change and extracting the pennies and holding them out to Shawn

“B…but you are begging for change!  What do you mean you don’t take pennies?”

Holding out her hand with money, a beggar in reverse

“I don’t take them Sir”

“Well then give it all back!”

“I’ll take the silver it is the pennies I don’t want”

“But you are begging!  Did you know 5 pennies make a nickel? Why not keep the pennies and give me back my nickel?’

“Because, I told you Sir, I don’t take pennies!”

Shawn steps through the door and up the stairs into the magic shop only to be greeted by me with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

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Funny Is?

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2010| 5 Comments »

Here in the Happy Valley student rush is upon us.  For me this means for the next 14 days…in a row…I pretty much show up to work and leave when I’m told I can.  So today, Saturday the 14th of August I found myself awake at 6:30am.  We always get up at 5:30, take the dog out feed the cats and get ready for work.  But today is Saturday! I can handle getting up at 5:30am and going through the morning ritual, but Saturday means I get to go back to sleep. That is the definition of Saturday.  But this Saturday I have to work. I can rest for a bit because my work is kind enough to supply us with lousy Pizza for lunch during this time so all I have to do is take a shower, jump in the car and go.  I took my shower and I am lying back in bed watching the clock, 6:30, I really don’t have to leave until 7:15 but I just can’t seem to get back to sleep, which for me is unusual, sleep is one of my favourite things.  But I can’t, so I turn on the television.  Do you know what is on the television at 6:30am?  Remember I work for a very large cable company, I get almost every channel,  I don’t know how many that is, but it starts at 3 and goes to about 900, some are repeated in regular, some in HD and there is a lot of sport channels I ignore, and the music channels, but even taking those out we still get a huge amount of television.  But at 6:3o on a Saturday morning the majority of the channels is paid programming.  I can’t watch paid programming.  I don’t want to see a bunch of clothes, shoes, shamwow’s, the latest garden tool that doesn’t work, the cheap jewelery, computers that are crap, a better lightbulb and a silverware cleaner, and of course steam cleaners.  I just don’t care.  The other option is cartoons, and I don’t like cartoons.  I’ve just finished a good book and not yet ready to start another.  Basically I am reduced to watching the channel listings,  page after page of ‘paid programming, sports, paid programming’  and then I see it!  up around channel 270, I can’t believe it but there it is, “I Love Lucy’ and it is on right now!

I found myself laughing so hard I was impressed I didn’t wake my wife.  Floyd, (one of the cats) was lying across my chest just under my chin and he was getting quite annoyed with my laughter, but I couldn’t stop.  There was Lucy, and Ricky, Ethel and the crew doing what they did best.  I remember watching the show as a child and laughing my ass off,  I remember watching as a teenager, and still laughing my ass off. I watched ‘I love Lucy’ and right after that I watched ‘The Honeymooners” Audrey Meadows was beautiful. I went to a Halloween party as Art Carney, ‘…hey there Ralphy boy!” and lets not forget, “Too the moon Alice, too the moon…” And I found myself, now in my mid forties, and still laughing my ass off watching ‘I Love Lucy’

This time I found myself not only laughing at the obvious, but the brilliant subtleties, the exasperated look Ricky gets, the look in Lucy’s eye as another whacked out idea runs through her head.  The look between Fred and Ricky when Lucy starts to scheme.  And at the same time it is all so wrong!  It is so politically un/in-correct for our time.  When Ricky gets mad, Lucy stops saying ‘yes dear’ and reverts to, ‘yes Sir’ Although I am extremely un-political, some of the phrasing and the tones even make me cringe but it is fleeting as the hilarity ensues. 

What is it that makes these shows timeless?  It can’t just be me because quite literally everyone I ask seems to be of the same opinion.   I sometimes run across stuff I used to watch, Eight is Enough, The Partridge Family, Charles In Charge, Different Strokes, I dream of Geni and the list goes on.  Sure some of those can be considered classics, But they will never touch I love Lucy, My Three Sons, The Honeymooners, The Dick Van Dyke Show.  Why, what is it?  It is not like we don’t have brilliant tv actors.  John Goodman is fantatastic in everything I’ve seen him in, but does he stand up against Jackie Gleason?  We have brilliant directors, Rob Reiner comes to mind, we have modern technology, I like to think we are more aware of the world around us now, the material is certainly out there in abundance.  So what is it? Is it the audience?  Did we change? is it the times?  Is it because these were ground breaking shows dealing with subject matter that was never talked about in public never mind viewed on TV?  Have we left that ‘age of innocence’?

I am sure everyone is going to have thier opinion, and I really would like to hear them, and while I’m eagerly waiting for your responses I think I’ll go find another episode of ‘I Love Lucy’

Archie Bunker: I know all about your woman’s troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time, I didn’t make you wear the truss. If you’re gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now. I’m gonna give you just 30 seconds. Now c’mon and change.
Edith Bunker: Can I finish my soup first?

P.S. ‘Lucy….you gots some eslplainin’ to do’

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Overheard at My Own Funeral

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations, tagged on July 16, 2010| 3 Comments »

Okay, I am trying something new, there is a web thingy called Plinky, it really is interesting.  The concept is that they ask a question or a challange of some sort and you write out your response and you can link it to your blog.  Some of the questions are very interesting and aid in jump starting writers block or are just fun to think about.  The question the other day was, ‘Overheard at My Own Funeral’  The following is what I came up with. 

“Great, its friggin’ freezing and now its starting to rain, that bastard just had to go and die in November.”

“…I hear his wife did very well with the insurance and benifits, I wonder what she is doing after the funeral?”

“How many times did I tell him, black wire is hot, green is ground, white is neutral. But did he listen?…nooooo!”

Powered by Plinky

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