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How stupid do you need to be?

March 19, 2010 by Brian

My last post got me to thinking about good old INS.  I had one unpleasant experience with them, I won’t go into details but lets just say I paid for a travel visa which they never gave me, and they never give money back, it is simply chalked up to a ‘processing fee’.  Eventually I did get a travel visa but that was part of a whole other process. 

I like INS they are a major player in keeping this country as safe as it is from countries that really don’t like the USA.  obviously I don’t know the inner workings but from what I’ve learned and observed  they have incredibly difficult jobs with limited resources (although they do wield a ridiculous amount of power) they seem to do their jobs well and have always been polite and courteous to me.

As in my last post about INS, this post is not really about INS and it’s not about Sequoia, it’s not even about animals.  It’s about stupid people.

To get the full impact I have to guide you through some of the steps involved with going to an INS services building.  You just don’t ‘show up’  You go online with your issue and fill out the proper forms you find out exactly what documentation you will be needing and you hit send.  Then you wait, and when you are done waiting you wait a little more.  Eventually, in the mail you will get a letter telling you exactly when and where your appointment is and a reminder of what documents you will need and how much it is all going to cost. 

For those of you going through this, or may be going through this in the future here is a tip.  Make an INS file and keep up with it, and bring it every time you go to INS,  even though you may have submitted everything, and they acknowledge that they have it, if you get there and they don’t have it you are screwed.  Doesn’t matter why or who, simple fact is if for any reason it’s not in the file it is your problem not theirs.

If you show up at the INS office without the appointment letter you are not getting in the front door.   I’ve been there in the cold and they don’t care.  You wait in a line outside and they walk down the line and ask to see id and the letter.   They let a few people at a time into the front lobby where you empty your pockets take off your jacket and head through the scanners.  No backpacks, strollers, food nothing extra. 

Once inside you hand your letter to the check in person and they hand you a number and point you to the chairs where all the other cattle sit.  And sit is what you do.  So you may have number 17 and they call 15, alright two away you can already smell home but surprise the next number called is 125. WTF? so you go to the little window woman and before you even open your mouth she says,

“Was your number called”

“No but…”

“Please sit in the chairs till your number is called”

“But they called number 15 and….”

“Please Sir, sit down and wait until your number is called”

“but…”

“Sir, we are doing everything we can to move this along, now please sit down and wait for your number to be called”

“Bu…”

“Sir!”  At this time one usually notices at least one the two officer’s  easing over to you from opposite directions with their gun hand resting on the butt of their pistol.  Most people manage to sit down without any further problems, most people.

The thing is,  while they give out the numbers sequentially in order of arrival, each number is then registered with the department  you need to see.  So you may have number 17 you don’t know which department the other numbers are for. The guy holding  15 may be in for green card renewal, but lets say the 17th guy through the door is in for a travel visa and the 125th person through the door is also in for a green card renewal.  Well  they may be done with 15 so that department has a space open now so 125 gets called before 17.   INS doesn’t tell you this, but it doesn’t take long to figure out and when you do its clear as mud.

Keep in mind if an INS agent thinks for any reason that you are a threat of any kind they can make your life miserable, they can make it so deportation is the least of your problems. 

So there I sat counting the ceiling tiles when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a gentleman stand up and walk towards the counter, but no number had been called, collective gasp!  We watched as he made his way to the check in clerk.  unfortunately I have to say this was after 9/11 and this gentleman happen to be from the middle east, complete with turban.  I couldn’t hear what he was saying but I have a pretty good idea as the check in woman said, ‘Sir, please take your seat” he didn’t, instead he started to argue, again I heard the check in woman “Sir take a seat and wait for your number to be called”  Again this guy argued, clearly he was not about to sit down.  I don’t know if he saw the agents approaching,   I don’t know if he saw two more coming through the door with their fingers wrapped around their holstered pistols.  What I do know is that in less than a minute he was quietly being ushered through some heavy doors and nobody involved looked very happy.

So I ask, how stupid do you really need to be?

 

Posted in Lifes Observations, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments »

Where is my cookie?

March 17, 2010 by Brian

Because I am not an American citizen my wife and I get to travel to the City of Brotherly love (Philadelphia) to deal with INS (Immigration & Naturalization Services). The positive side of this is I get to stay in the USA legally and even better we have some pretty interesting stories from these adventures that may end up in these pages.

However this story has little to do with INS and everything to do with travelling with a dog, Sequoia to be exact.

On our last trip to Philly we wound up at the Sofital hotel. The Sofital advertises that you can bring two pets of any size with no additional fee. I wanted to bring an elephant but we don’t have one, more importantly my wife said I couldn’t.

We were greeted by a doorman clad in a top hat and tails which normally would mean we were at the wrong hotel. Inside, the Sofital sported marble floors and countertops, mahogany walls, mood lighting from long chandeliers and really comfortable looking deep cushioned chairs. We were in jeans and T-shirts draggin’ our wheelies behind us with a 55 pound husky pulling at her leash. Talk about feeling out-of-place, I was expecting motel 6.

Just as my senses were taking everything in Sequoia let out one of her famous husky howls. Think Call of the Wild, her haunches went down, shoulders came up, muzzle all stretched forward and her nose high in the air. she was definitely channeling her inner wolf, I’m sure the wolves of Yellowstone heard her call. As expected every eye in the place turned towards us. When Sequoia howls she wants is demanding attention. If people don’t come running over to pet her and tell her how beautiful she is she just keeps on howling, which is exactly what she did, and attention is what she got.

Despite all the people coming over to pay proper homage to Sequoia, asking us questions and making the usual remarks, can I pet her? is she a wolf? oooh look one of the snow dogs, was she in the movie Eight Below? I had a pugh once…we managed to make it to the front desk where Sequoia promptly placed her paws on the marble countertop demanding more attention and perhaps a few treats. While I was dying of embarrassment the desk clerks were giving Sequoia cookies for simply being so cute.

Posted in Lifes Observations | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments »

Vacation

March 14, 2010 by Brian

Sequoia the Beautiful

Sequoia at Christmas

My friend Brahm will tell you that he has the best dog.  I’d agree with him, but then we would both be wrong.

The truth of the matter is my wife and I have the best and most beautiful dog in the world we know this because A) Sequoia lives with us, so we know. B) People are always stopping us and telling us how beautiful she is. C) At the Grand Canyon she was a bigger draw then the canyon itself.

I don’t have a fear of heights, I can climb a ladder, I climb several every day at work, but I’m not fond of heights there is something especially nerve-wracking about standing on the edge of a cliff.  I knew I suffered from vertigo but I didn’t realize how badly until we stopped at the Grand Canyon.   I asked my wife to hold Sequoia while I went to take the perfect picture.  Once at the ledge I knew I wasn’t getting a picture, it is really hard to hold the camera when you have a white knuckle grip on the safety railing.  My saving grace was the really big guy beside me that was having the same issue.  Together we were able to nudge people out of the way as we moved slowly along the rail until we were safely off the overhang. 

It was the Grand Canyon and vertigo be damned I was getting my picture. My new plan of attack was to let my wife stand on the overhang with Sequoia and I would take a picture of them with the canyon in the background. When I finally located my wife I realized I just wasn’t going to get a picture.  There was my wife (who is claustrophobic and does not like crowds) standing at the edge of the world-famous Grand Canyon, the throng of people around her was not looking at the Canyon, they were all looking at Sequoia.  My poor wife couldn’t even enjoy the view due to all the people who wanted to ask about Sequoia, pet Sequoia and take pictures of Sequoia.  Even the park ranger who was trying to move people off the edge due to the approaching storm stopped to admire Sequoia.

The Grand Canyon, as I’m sure you know happens to be a large tourist gathering place where lots of different languages are spoken.  However, there is the international language of sign.  For example did you know that if somebody comes up to you and bends slightly at the knees, leans forward, hunches over while stretching out their hands and wiggling their fingers towards the floor means, “May I please pet your dog?”  Also when they bring their hand up to their face and bend their index finger at the knuckle several times while pointing at your dog  with the other hand means, “May I take a picture of your dog please?”  additionally, if when doing this they thrust their child at the dog it means, “May I take a picture of your dog with my child please?” What kills me is that I know these people are then going back to whatever country they came from and showing their friends the picture they took of their kid with Maya the dog from Eight Below.  And no, I have never seen the movie.

In short, because of the impending storm, claustrophobia, vertigo and throngs of people more interested in Sequoia then the canyon my wife and I will have to plan another trip to the Canyon so we can actually take in the views.

I’ve never met Alfred, (Brahm’s dog) but I’m betting he also is one heck of a dog!

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations | Tagged , , , | 14 Comments »

Simple Explanations

March 8, 2010 by Brian

Seasoned magicians will tell you that some of the best effects have the simplest explanations. 

I’ve always had this fear of looking out the window only to find somebody looking back in, it is a fear I attribute to my brother.  When I was a child and home alone (although my mother was right next door) there was a thump on the window and a skull appeared on the glass. Terror ensued.

Of course the explanation was simple. My brother had forgotten his key, to get my attention all he could think to do was lob a snowball at the window which consequently broke into what looked to me like a skull.  Remember I was young.

Years later I was heading down stairs to the basement when I happen to glance out the window, and there, just on the other side were these yellow/green orbs hovering a few inches over the ground staring into my basement.  Once my heart restarted I was able to glance back at the window and the orbs were gone.

Coming home from school a few days later I noticed a few cats hanging around the basement window.  Yup, my orbs were the eyes of cats who were prowling the neighbour hood at night.   I had acquired 12 doves from Peter Reveen  I housed them in a cage in the basement by the window.   A few neighbourhood cats had taken quite the interest in the doves and would check in on them nightly.

Once again clean simple explanations.  Whats my point?  Keep it simple, you don’t always have to dig deep.

Posted in Lifes Observations, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 3 Comments »

So Exciting

March 3, 2010 by Brian

Many moons ago my parents, (who own Perfect Magic) used to host a magic convention in Montreal each year.  It was a big deal some of the biggest names in the industry would attend.  I won’t list them here as most of you are not magicians so it wouldn’t really mean anything to you, and those that are magicians can click here  to get the full list.  After the convention we would have a party with the invited guests (magic dealers, lectures, performers and friends who helped us out) and have a grand ole’ time.

At one such ‘after’ party a friend of my mothers, said to my Mother, “I envy you, you know all these entertainers and its such a different sort of life it must be so exciting!”  My mother laughed and replied, “What are you talking about?  We go to work, we figure out what we are going to eat for dinner, we watch tv and we go to sleep then wake up the next morning and do it again. It is you who lives the exciting life, you’re a teacher, you travel you’ve seen the world, now that’s exciting!” My mothers friend laughed and said, “Not really, we go to work, we figure out whats for dinner…”

Last night my wife and I were eating dinner at Denny’s with what has now become the Tuesday night crew.  After reading my blog one of our new found friends commented that we live such an exciting life compared to theirs.  I said, “not really,  we wake up, go to work, figure out what we are going to do for dinner…”

Posted in Lifes Observations | Tagged , , | 5 Comments »

Rude Awakening

February 27, 2010 by Brian

Saturday started off normal enough.  Got up at the regular time of 5:30am to let the dog do her thing and make breakfast for the pets.  As I crawled back into bed I noticed it was very warm in our room so I cracked one window open about an inch and half figuring that would let the cool air in while keeping the snow and wind out.

A few hours later I’m suddenly awake, my wife is asking telling me there is a bird in the room.  The six cats are jumping off the shelves, dresser and bed, launching themselves at the low ceiling and windows as a little bird zooms around the room.  My wife and I fly out of bed and ‘join’ and by join I mean ‘add’ to the pandemonium.  My wife decides to put all the cats in the bathroom so we can rescue the bird safely.  Putting the plan in motion she grabs a cat and in the bathroom it goes, I’m quick on her heels with another cat.  Two in, four to go.  In the back of my head I hear the voice of worry, is it really a good idea to shove six excited cats who don’t really get along into a tiny bathroom together?  My wife opens the bathroom door to toss in a third cat, in the process the first two escape.  I snag another cat, but when I open the bathroom door I free the captive cat in the process.  Keep in mind we went from a dead sleep to total pandemonium to the implementation of a plan in mere moments. 

“Wait!, where is the bird?” I asked. In the moment I took to try to get a better grasp of the situation I noticed that while the cats were still excited they seemed to be looking for the bird and not finding it.  Could it have found its way back out the window?  We stopped and looked and listened.  No sign of the bird surely if it was still in the room the cats would know, but they were also looking.  My wife went to open the curtains a little wider and she noticed Trouble staring intently, following his gaze my wife spotted the bird on a shelf.  Everybody spotted it at the same time.  Once again chaos ensues.  Now we were a little more awake the task was to toss the cats into the living room.  Once again every time we got a cat out the door, the previously evicted cat would sneak back in.  Finally we got all the cats clear of the room and opened up all the bedroom windows as wide as we could.  Once again we lost track of the dang bird!

As I am starting to freeze to death in our room my wife says to me, “Do you think the bird flew into the living room while we had the door open?” We look stupidly at one another, my wife heads into the living room while I keep watch in the bedroom.  Half a minute later I hear through the closed-door, “The bird is out here”  As I step out the door my wife is heading towards me with a cat in her arms, “Cats back in the bedroom” she calls out as she starts to pass me.

“Wait!” I yell in a panicked voice, “windows in the bedroom are wide open”

“Shit”

I ran back into the unbelievably cold bedroom and closed all the windows.  Once again we were faced with the task of herding all six cats through another door.  This time we had the added benefit of the dog howling away in the laundry room.  Finally we managed to separate the bird from the cats.  The bird (a Carolina wren) seemed to be in good condition and we managed to gently usher it through the door.  My wife and I sat down and took a collective deep breath. After a minute or so of silence I asked,  “So, breakfast at Denny’s?”

Posted in Lifes Observations | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments »

Thirty

February 24, 2010 by Brian

Regular readers know that every ten posts I write an introspective into my writing. 

So what have I learned?  Most glaring are the phrases ending in ‘then’  such as in if then and more then.  I almost always type it that way, lucky for me the nifty WordPress editor saves me and kindly suggests that I use ‘more than’.  According to the WordPress editor I am also guilty of using a ‘passive voice’ for using phrases such as ‘it seems’  too bad I like that kind of phrase.  It seems that I am also guilty of using something called ‘hidden verbs’ At first I did worry and tried to correct the hidden verb problem, (not that I totally understand it) but fear not, I got over my worry, now I just re-read the sentence to make sure it makes sense.  I’ve also been accused by the WordPress editor of making things complex. I find this complex issue both subjective and more importantly insulting to you the reader. For example if I use the term final destination the WordPress editor will highlight the phrase and tell me the word destination is too complex and I should replace destination with place.  I understand the theory  I just happen to (passive voice) disagree with the theory (complex, replace theory with reason).  Don’t get me wrong, I am lousy with punctuation and sentence structure and I strive to get better so I am glad for the help,  but I am not about to change my writing style (which I happen to like) to appease (complex, change to please) the language gods.  I will of course make corrections if I think it will help, otherwise I will use my favourite feature the Ignore Suggestion button.

I read an article by Stephen King.  apparently (submissive voice) he used to get upset when critics told him he couldn’t put a proper sentence together.  He would get past it by looking at his bank book and suddenly what the critics had to say didn’t carry much validity (complex?) his fans didn’t care, and lets face it his fans pay the bills.  Nobody is paying me to write this blog, but we did enjoy a free meal at Denny’s courtesy of the management (thank you) because of what I said on my previous (complex replace with earlier) post.

Subject matter is becoming an issue.  I have been trying (complex, replace with have tried) to stick to a few specific themes, the problem is that I don’t want all my posts to sound the same. The challenge becomes expanding my subject matter but manipulating it so it fits.  I’m not sure why I find this a daunting task but I do.  I’ve also been working on ways to expand my readership.  I’m working on a few ideas and I’ll let you know how it all works out.  Perhaps in my 40th blog. 

Thanks for reading.

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations | Tagged | 4 Comments »

Denny’s

February 22, 2010 by Brian

Yes my wife and I eat at Denny’s.  I’d be the first, okay the second to tell you that the track record with Denny’s has not been great. My father would be the first.  However even my father likes the Denny’s in State College.  The food is good, the location is perfect for us and I even know some of the wait staff by name, which for me is an incredible feat.  There is Dana who is so good at her job and is such a fun person to be around, that she got my father to admit that there is hope for Denny’s and is now willing to eat there when he visits, of course we have to make sure that Dana would be taking care of us.   We have also gotten to know Mark quite well, in fact my wife is talking to him on Facebook as I write this blog. Even when not sitting in Mark’s section he makes sure we are taken care of properly.   Carrie always makes sure she comes by our table to say hello and enquire about us and the dog and is joy to talk too.  We don’t see Marvin (one of the managers) much anymore, but when we do he always stops by to say hello. There are others I like who I will apologize to now seeing as I can’t remember their names off-hand, such as the young woman who is usually at the cash and always laughs at my corny jokes. 

The other night as a couple sat down at a table across from us the woman nodded and waved at my wife.  My wife asked if we knew them from somewhere.  The womans response was that she has seen us in the restaurant a few times now so she felt like she knew us.  I thought it a little odd, but my wife being who she is started up a conversation.  I don’t know how the conversation ended up where it did, but it turns out that this couple were also volunteers for Sparrow, the wild life rehabilitator. They help her transport the animals when transport is necessary.  I realize that Sparrow is the only wild life rehabilitator in the area, but how many people are involved in this endeavour.  How many of you release wild life? or transport wild life? or even know a wild life rehaber?  I’m not seeing many hands.  Yet I’m eating at Denny’s and my wife strikes up a conversation with a complete stranger and of course we know the same people and have the same interests. 

A family at another table was obviously listening to our conversation and they decided to chime in.  While they are not involved in animal rescue on any ‘formal’ level they do have six cats and like our six cats they rescued them all.  They also happened to be looking for a good vet, and seeing as we just found a good vet in the area we were able to help them out on that front. 

After all this time I’m not sure why I am still surprised over incidents like this, but I am.  What worries me is I’m getting used to it, what worries me more is I am starting to think that it is a good and positive way to live.  What pisses me off however is that now I learn that Sparrow has people to transport animals.  Where the heck was this information before the skunk incident?

Posted in Lifes Observations | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Perspective Please

February 20, 2010 by Brian

If we truly believe that actions speak louder then words, then why is it that the squeaky wheel gets the grease?

If it is really so lonely at the top how come we are all in such a rush to get there?

If we should not judge a book by its cover, then why weren’t we made inside out?

If I can’t have my cake and eat it, then why would I want it in the first place?

If the early bird gets the worm, what message are we sending to the worms?

Posted in Lifes Observations | 2 Comments »

La TNT

February 17, 2010 by Brian

French class in high school lasted an hour a day for our entire youth, we were forced to do two things,  conjugate every verb on the planet and read the book,  “La Dynamite”.   ‘La Dynamite’ was about these guys who had to transport TNT over an old logging road to get to the job site.  The previous drivers died on the way because the truck hit a pothole and the TNT exploded.   

One fall day my wife and I found ourselves driving home with two pet carriers full of  skunks in our back seat.   Yes we were holding our breath for fear of setting one or all of them off.    Sparrow the wild life rehabilitator promised they would not spray.  I wasn’t sure how she could make such a promise, after all they are wild skunks, but she promised and we trusted.  Sparrow failed to mention, (and we didn’t know enough to ask) that skunks stink even when they don’t spray.  

With the windows open and the air cranked, we cringed at every stop light, turn and bump on the road.  As the skunks chattered away in the back seat I thought about those two guys in ‘La Dynamite’ and really, they were idiots! Why the heck didn’t they just keep the blasting caps separated from the TNT?  

 

  

 

Posted in humour, Lifes Observations | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments »

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